Are you being poisoned?
The cause of Beethoven's demise remained a mystery for nearly two centuries following his death. The famous musician suffered from irritability, depression, and abdominal pain and stated in his dying wish that his illness would be discovered so that "the world may be reconciled to me after my death."
In 1994, two Americans launched a study to determine the cause of Beethoven's end. Chemical analysis of a strand of his hair showed his killer—lead poisoning.
http://www.abc.net.au/science/news/stories/s201189.htmI suspect that it was a little poison taken in as he engaged in everyday activities which ultimately took Beethoven's life. The above "News in Science" article states that:
It is uncertain how Beethoven contracted lead poisoning. It may have been due to environmental factors such as use of lead lined plates and cups which were common then or to extensive consumption of wine or of fish from polluted rivers. Foul play also cannot be ruled out.Death by poisoning can be a slow, insidious, devastatingly irreversible process if the toxin is not recognized and purged from the system. In my own relationships, particularly in the most intimate ones with my husband and children, I can see how bitterness and resentment work in much the same way, as these negative emotions are stored up not in a physical organ of my body, but in my soul, where they eat away at my capacity to give love freely and willingly, without restraint.
Sabrina Beasley is a writer and editor for FamilyLife, as well as president of American Christian Writers - FamilyLife Chapter. In an article titled "Don't Let Bitterness Poison Your Marriage" she refers to bitterness as "a blade meant for another that eventually severs the hand that tightly conceals it." As I meditated on that truth, I realized that I could end up bleeding out if I didn't release that blade... and there would be no one responsible for that soul-death but myself.
I may have very real, reasonable, and justifiable concerns re: my husband's behavior, for instance, and his angers may rouse some righteous anger within me. However, the solving of those problems and mending of the wounds incurred is not dependent solely on whether or not he changes. If I refuse to release the bitterness I feel toward him, then I am inviting into my very being a toxin which will effectively destroy all hope of true healing and reconciliation. On each occasion that I am disappointed, or hurt, or offended, and instead of confronting the problem I choose to silently add a notation to the file I keep on him in my heart, I'm making a decision to guard my own pride and selfish sense of entitlement rather than a choice to nurture the relationship which requires my own cooperation and compromise as well as his. Every time I add an entry to that file folder which contains a lengthening list of all the things he's ever done to let me down, I consume another dose of poison. That file I keep on him needs to be run through the shredder or my heart will grow so calcified that the only emotion it will come to recognize is frustration, then rage... and then finally... apathy and hopelessness.
According to Sabrina Beasley, "
Bitterness comes when you hold onto hurt and refuse to forgive the person that hurt you. Most of the time, this comes as a result of ongoing actions of a small nature—lack of understanding, misuse of finances, harsh comments—that build up over time. Each offense takes residence in the heart, and at some point there is no more room left before the wife has had enough. That's when bitterness is manifested and causes the most damage."
As I make the conscious choice to purge my own system of any toxic bitterness which has accumulated, I see that some of it is based on actual offenses that I've stuffed, so they've never been properly addressed; some remains from issues on which I've attempted to communicate but not yet seen any firm resolution, and others ... well, they are nothing but shades of the past... reminders seen in current behaviors which reflect to my heart the faces and voices of former abusers. Those are the really tough ones.
So the challenge to me is to focus on forgiveness, to love and cherish mercy at least as much as justice, to get all of the unspoken remnants out on the table once and for all, and to be willing to wipe the slate clean afterwards... regardless of whether feelings or even behavior change instantly. I believe that emotions begin in the mind as much as anywhere else. If a decision of the will is made, the feelings will follow suit, but those positive, good feelings don't have a chance until the root of bitterness is removed.
Ms. Beasley makes the point that bitterness spreads. She asks,
Have you ever seen a piece of moldy bread? It appears that there is only one ruined area, but if you looked at the bread through a microscope, you would see long roots spreading throughout the slice. What appears on the surface doesn't reflect what's really happening below. For myself, I can see how one slight, one small offense, can quickly contaminate every aspect of my being and be the cause of any number of seemingly unrelated manifestations in depression, headaches, back pain, just a general poor attitude and lack of energy or motivation. It's alot like that little bit of leaven which leavens the entire lump, too. I can see the downward decline in attitude of everyone in my family when I'm petting and stroking my own little pet collection of grievances. They may have no idea what's in my heart, but they can surely sense the negative energy emanating from me.
For me, the process of detoxification and removal of this bitterness and resentment is composed of the 4 steps cited by Sabrina Beasley in her article. Confession and repentence; prayer for strength followed by diligence in the commitment to pursue forgiveness; making a time to talk openly and gently, without criticism, about the most important issues, beginning with a statement of acknowledgement of my own failings; and finally ~ working on maintaining focus on changing myself, not him, knowing that I'm the one responsible for any bitterness left remaining in my heart and determining to not allow the poisoning to continue. To me, that is healing and it's dependent only on my willingness to be real and to engage in active, unconditional love.
I use this board as an opportunity not only to learn and share, but also to have a link of accountability. It's through this forum that I've been able to recognize the presence of alot of venom within myself ... not sure I would have seen it if I'd not participated here, and I'm grateful. I know that my posting this here may not have much impact on others who are naturally in different places dealing with various other issues, but for what it's worth, here it is. I hope that it may help others, as well.
With love,
Hope
