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leaving N husband. advice??

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lynn:
Hello friends,

This is my first post.  

Not too long ago, I happened upon an article about Narciccism.  I read it in absolute horror.  My heart beat like crazy, I could barely breath.  I was reading the story of my life.  I felt scared, sad, angry, guilty all at once.

I have been married for 23 years to my N husband.  I don't have to explain the confusion and manipulation to you.  Presently, he is out of town.  He arrives back on Sunday.  In his absence, I have met with an attorney and made a plan to divorce him.  

He's not going to be happy.  Please... for those of you who have been through this... what advice can you provide on how to handle this.  Should I talk to him directly?  Should I take my teenage daughter to a hotel and send a clear message that I am serious?  What has worked for you?

Wish me luck and strength.

pp:
delete

Anonymous:
Hi Lynn,
Be careful with your joint finances and property. These are great weapons for a narcissist if they manage to get control over these things. Don't think that he'll be thinking of your best interests, he'll only be thinking about what's best for him. Mine went into nasty mode when he finally realised that I was serious and he couldn't entice me back with the same old lies (I love you, you're the only one, etc.). Luckily, I'm still living in the family home (our largest asset) so I still have some control. He refuses to respond to my lawyer's requests to settle (this has been going on for a year) and I know his lawyer is also having a hard time getting him to do what he ought to be doing. It becomes then a long drawn out process through the courts here in Australia.
What has helped me also is that I made a decision to not talk to my ex. This was learnt after many conversations with him and thinking that we were moving forward and resolving things and then he would do something completely contrary to what we had 'agreed'. I now only communicate with him through email, that way I have it in writing.
I wish you all the luck in the world and you'll certainly need all the strength you can get.
Karin.

Anonymous:
*put your affairs in order, as much as you can. Simplify your life.

*seek counselling & read about self-esteem and abuse issues.
( Patricia Evans The verbally abusive relationship and Lundy Bancroft Why Does He do That: inside the minds of angry or controlling men---- are the best basic books in this field )

*have a plan for how you will support yourselves ( practically/ emotionally/ financially ) if your n. refuses to cooperate.
Don't be worried if you are looking at a longer term plan of action than you originally thought.
Be patient, but work towards it, even when it means retraining or waiting for a court deadline.

*Be the stability for your child; don't worry unduly about her father's narcissistic influence: she'll learn and adapt with your support.
Don't listen to those without kids of their own who have an idealised notion of child-rearing.
Your kid will be fine so long as you love her and listen to her.
No family is ever perfect.

*Don't listen to the 101 negative voices you will hear in life during your next few years journey. In fact, filter out everything which is just critical and unhelpful. You will become a master at identifying useful information, and discarding the rest. No matter how close to you, if someone makes you unhappy or uneasy you cannot allow them to influence your life.

* support others on their journey: here you will learn as much if not more than anywhere else, and your life will be enhanced.

GOOD LUCK, Much LOVE from someone who has been there.

Anonymous:
lynn,

These kinds of separations are best done with advance planning. I don't know whether you have access to the finances, whether you will lose everything if you move to a hotel. You need to consult with your attorney asap.

bunny

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