Dear Dragonsamm,
Reading this last post of yours has brought some questions and thoughts to my mind which you may or may not choose to address, of course, but I'll put them out here and see what happens. Just so you know, I don't feel that the time I spend to do this obligates you in any way to respond. I know that what I have to say may be like one of those birthday gifts received and immediately taken back to the store for exchange and if that's the case, no need to acknowledge at all. I'm convinced that (most) everything we put into writing here has the potential to help someone, at some time, even if the person helped is no one else but the writer him/herself.
First, regarding counselors. Fourteen years ago or so, my family was involved with several counselors who tried to help us work through issues relating to sexual abuse issues/my childrens' father. Personally, I had varying levels of trust for each of these individuals, but all were equally detached, as well they need to remain, I'm sure. At the time, I found them all equally maddening because of this attachment. They listened and occasionally offered questions, but never the answers I sought. One woman said to me, "Everything you need to know is already inside of you." This was not at all what I wanted to hear. I wanted someone to tell me what to do, to provide a formula for the restoration of my family (my personal dream) along with a guarantee of success. I believed that if I could just complete a certain sequence of steps, everything would be alright... just tell me what are those steps and I will meet the challenge! Well, I met the challenge, but obviously I couldn't drag anyone along with me on that journey and ultimately my family (my dream) fell apart anyway, despite my best efforts. The falling-apart phase consumed me for a period of 8 years, bringing me to the point of despair, at which time I met the most narcissistically disordered man I have ever known, beginning phase 2 of the destruction of my barely surviving dream. After all of this, I can say along with you:
All I can see at this point in time when I look back at my life is that i was living in a fantasy
From what you've shared here, I gather that your dream began with the finding of a sense of purpose. You envisioned another human being presenting that purpose and giving you opportunity to fulfill it? I did.
Something exciting and perpetually inspiring, something i could sink my teeth into, give myself completely to.
I tried to accomplish this dream via my husband, my children, a career... none of that was sufficient or "faithful" in the sense I'd imagined it should be. In other words, life isn't fair. Imagine that. How dare the universe not comply when I was working so hard to be good and to do well! I understand that you don't accept the Bible as the authority, but I hope you don't mind a couple quotes from the book of Ecclesiastes: All is vanity. And.. "of making many books there is no end; and much study is a weariness of the flesh." (I, too, read until I thought my eyes would fall out.) Cognitive understanding can build a databank of information, but getting that knowledge from head to heart is another matter entirely.
In an earlier post, you mentioned the "apparently pointless struggle". This sounds to me like that dark night of the soul which Stormy will possibly address when she can. In my own life, this was the bottoming out which brought me to my knees before God. Don't worry, no sermonizing here. I only want to say that I'm quite sure I'd still be in that blackest of pits if it weren't for His grace and mercy and tender touch on my spirit and heart 2 1/2 years ago. My marriage to a man with NPD left me financially destitute with 3 children still at home. I was stalked day and night by this man who considered me his possession and promptly got myself into an instant relationship with a seemingly very helpful guy who also showed signs of objectifying me. To my eyes, the entire world looked "N" and I only wanted to bail out. On top of all this, I had my own "litany of crap" with N+ish family members encouraging me to relocate back to their state where they could "help" me. No thank you very much... I'd rather stay in my pit alone.
To this: "I need answers. And I have a high expectation that they aren't out there" .... I have an answer:
I think you'll find exactly what you're looking for and if you expect nothing, that's just what you'll get. I did.
I think you know that in your heart, but what you fear most is... to hope. I had that fear and nearly settled for remaining in it. It was at just that moment when God released new hope in me, hence my screen name. I know that I cannot give you hope to own for yourself. I can only tell you that I lost it and then regained it by what I can only say were miraculous means.
You asked: What is the difference between "settling" and simply accepting what i CANNOT change?
The answer, I think, is hope. Hope is the difference. There's an essay (ok, it's more of a sermon) which says it all alot better than I can. "The Triumph of Hope - When Should We Continue to Fight? When Should We Accept Defeat?"
http://nehemiah.gospelcom.net/hope3.htmI hope that you'll receive this in the spirit in which its offered, Dragonsamm. You see, I don't believe in coincidence and here we both are... and to me it would be a crime to not at least offer you what I have to give, leaving it up to you to unwrap that gift or not. No strings attached, of course. Only alot of hope on my part... for you.
