Hops,
I learned something this morning when I checked on this thread. It gave me a lot to think about today while I was at work.
It is true what I said, that I was reluctant to do this, and that was apparently detectable from the way I first responded. Yet I participated anyway, being "intrigued". I did note that I am terrible at conversation, perhaps as a disclaimer for any possible goofs and perhaps also as a heads up, that I could use some pointers too.
And then this leapt out at me:
(PP hon, praises to you too but I'll just give them to Anansi here...that okay w/you? If you want some feedback do tell me....oops. You did. I blew you off because I was showing off. Sorry about that. But if you know what I mean, it'd probably help A. more if I take you for granted--just in this thread and just for a while! Let me know if that's not okay.)
I truly understand what you are saying here and doing here.
What leapt out at me was the decades old familiarity of it. Not so much the words, no one has ever said it quite like that before, but the results and possibily the motivation.
This , my friends of the VESMB, is the story of my life. And not typed with one ounce of sarcasm in it. This truly is the key to my place in this life. My place in groups, in the family (except my current family, where my husband has assumed my usual role of "can take care of yourself, doesn't need remediation as much as whoever and whatever"), at work, in stores, restaurants, school, etc.
People can tell when I'm uncomfortable or struggling or whatever, and they apparently can also tell that I'll be just fine and will carry on anyway and they can then be free to use their finite resources on more pressing problems. I save a lot of people a lot of effort in this way. And I have been doing this to myself all my entire life! But I never before saw it so clearly.
And so it is more than okay that you said this. It kind of frees me up too.
Because--I thought maybe I should also explore why I felt reluctant to participate, and also why I was willing to participate anyway. Reluctance to partipate. It is not so much my erratic conversational abilities. It is the source of those erratic abilities.
I don't really believe in small talk. Nor idle conversation either. I like to talk about real things with real people I have a bond with. I may well have trouble identifying who those people are sometimes. But that is the goal. And with real people I have a bond with, I even enjoy small talk and joking and even being obnoxious and over the top. It's okay when there is the bond. Sometimes I
am too friendly too fast or too excited. Some people, I think, like that about me sometimes. Afterall, they can have boring lives sometimes, too. So, now that I have thought about this, here is the freeing up part:
Anansi, I didn't even give you a chance to tell me how you have been lately, but I have decided to change my mind and maybe listen in on some gentle table talk instead. I will be at the next table with my chai latte and probably some kind of cheesecake. I will be eavesdropping and trying to hide it. Looking everywhere but at your table where you and a companion will be sitting and learning about each other. I will wish I had brought my copy of Sun magazine with me, but I didn't, so I will listen to the ball going back and forth.
Hopsy, you're a very good coach. In a completely natural, and probably unintended way, I learned something important because of your honest response. This is one of those things that really makes a difference for a person. I'm actually quite impressed. It feels like I broke through a window or something.
So, off to check on the other new posts, then back to work for awhile where I might get to watch my Nfriend get all excited to be seeing his new supply source, knowing that even if he weren't N, he probably wouldn't worry about how I am with watching it because I am always fine eventually. Or at least I give that impression sometimes. And now I finally know how it is that that happens. At least some of the time.
Towards the end of his life, my father told me he knew what it was he had done that had contributed to the breakup of his marriage. But he also knew that at that time he was incapable of doing things any differently. So with this, I have learned something important, when I was capable of doing something about it. Perhaps life will become a different shape for me now. At any rate, I will be very observant for signs of positive change.
PP
