Beth:
Hello?? You were the victim?????
Yes, Beth. But, why was I the victim? When I gathered up the courage to take a very honest look at this situation I saw that it mirrored countless "like" scenarios. This woman was not the first person who had stuck her claws in me and devoured me like a roast chicken at a summer barbecue. This same scenario (although much less grand in nature) has played itself out throughout my life.
Guess what? I was the common denominator. Good news and bad news. Bad news was that I had to dig deep and walk through the core issues that prompted me to put myself in those positions. The good news was that I have all the power in the world to change me. The easy path would have been to say, "Well, I am a good person and I just keep running into bad people." But, the truth is that somewhere deep down I did not feel I deserved more. I have grown to be an expert in displaying otherwise to the world. But, deep down there is a voice that is always telling me, "Nobody
really wants to be your friend unless you can provide them some service" or "Unless you can
save someone in some way, shape, or form, they are not going to see any value in you".
Does this make sense? It kind of sounds like a self torture, but I see it as more of a painful truth. It has been so hard to get honest about this, but I also feel so freed because now I can begin to operate in the world in a different way. That voice is still talking, but I am slowly learning to quiet it down. I want to serve or help out of love and wholeness, not out of brokenness and neediness. I think the sadness is a natural letting go process. I love you for your enthusiasm and concern. Thanks for the response.
Hops:
I have a close friend going through a difficult court procedure and it struck me how drained and guilty SHE feels even though she is the one suing...
Thank you, Hops, for sharing that. Yes. I feel drained. This has taken a tremendous toll. Tremendous. I did not want the job of turning this woman in, but I believe that God dropped this in my lap for a reason. This woman is 45 years old and has done this her whole life. She has devastated her family and countless friendships over the years. Of course, I found all this out after I cleaned her toilets for a year.
I am just trying my best to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I pray for this woman and for the family every night (sometimes I do it without clenched teeth, now). It is just a very stressful situation that I have no choice but to walk through. The personal growth has been painful, but necessary. I cannot honestly say that I am thankful for it all just yet. I would have preferred a memo or something less dramatic in regards to achieving this new state of awareness, but that is not how this message came.
God is good. He brought me here. I have found solace and comfort and support here. I pray for you guys at night - like I know you personally. Thanks for listening and offering a shoulder...
ANS
