The Six Boundary Problems

[Certain Hope]

From http://www.joancasey.com/Article3_creating_healthy_relationships_relationship_advice_help_assertive_problems.htm

There are six boundary problem styles you use that damage your relationships at home and work, with family and friends. The first step to changing something, is realizing that you are doing it.

Do  you smother or take on others feelings and desires? You often feel wounded and victimized- you can't say "no"? Your way is the only way and your inflexible style alienates others? You await cues so you know "how" you are supposed to act? You leave a trail of angry people as you walk through life stepping on toes? You are unable to connect with others- even your friends don't know you have a heart?

Would you like to be confident and aware in the dance of all your relationship? Would you like to create relationships you really want? Read on....

The Six Boundary Problems: A Quick Comparison

Here’s a brief overview comparing the some of the differences between the six boundary problems. As you learn to identify your specific problem styles, you might notice that you blend them together or quickly change from one problem to another. Remember to also think of how other would classify you. Later in the book you'll learn the six boundary solution styles.

 
Rigid

He lets everyone know exactly where he stands and that he’s not moving. He is going to do things his way, even if it means doing it alone.

 Buzz words: Too closed, inflexible, no spontaneity, unyielding, non-negotiable, unchangeable, stubborn, adamant, hard

 Invisible

She knows what she wants and feels but she doesn’t do anything about it in the moment. She doesn’t tell others or assert her limits in a way that will be listened to.

Buzz words: Too open, non-assertive, push-over, over-adapts, feels used and hurt, her gut says “no” while her mouth says “yes”, passive

 
Distant

He is emotionally or physically unavailable. Others might never know what he wants, who he is or, sometimes, even where he is.

Buzz words: Far, unreachable, disconnected, absent, non-communicative, loner, aloof, cold, removed

 Enmeshed

She takes on her partner’s likes and dislikes as her own so she only wants what he wants. She is who he is.

Buzz words: Over lapped, yes-man, no opinions of her own, loss of identity, too close, clone

 
Intrusive

She pushes everyone to go along with whatever she wants, regardless of his or her desires. She acts oblivious to others discomfort or resentment.

Buzz words: Sends out too much, pushy, forceful, bulldozer, invasive, bossy, interfering, interrupter

 Hyper-Receptive

He has no time to realize what he really wants- he just is trying to make sure there is no conflict.

Buzz words: Takes in too much, tense, waits for cues, fearful, chameleon, vigilant, anticipates others desires

I can especially see the ways in which the enmeshed and hyper-receptive styles have played out in my own life. There's more info on each style available in the article linked above, but this hyper-receptive mode was new to me... and very enlightening... so I'll copy it here in case someone else might benefit.

Hope

Hyper-receptive-taking too much in

 Is it O.K. for me to introduce the next problem now? Maybe I should wait. You might need a little break. Umm...well it seems like you might be ready for more, but I’m not sure. Well, all right- here goes:

 “Finally, I’m home,” Matt pulled his car into the garage. Grabbing his brief case and balancing a hot pizza, he grinned. He was thinking about the new position opening up at work. He had a good chance to get and it was just the kind of computer program development he been wanting to do. “Just wait till I tell Greta.” he thought. Then, just before turning the knob, he could felt his excitement become still. His face dropped. “When should I tell Greta? What kind of mood would she and the kids be in?” He stepped inside, carefully scanning the living room and entry. Assessing quickly. Greta’s coat was tossed on the sofa. Her shoes kicked off in the hallway. Today’s mail tossed in a messy pile. He quietly ventured in further. Table not set. Greta already busy on the computer. Matt’s shoulders dropped.  “Well,” he thought to himself, “I guess the job thing is not that big a deal, I’ll wait till dinner to tell her.”

 Later at dinner he sat with his wife, Greta, and their two teenagers. His antenna alert, he automatically scanned them, looking for direction. “Would it be O.K. to tell them now?” Matt sat a the edge of his chair, his back stiff, eye darting. Listening to Joan and David talk about their high school football game. Nodding his head attentively to Greta’s complaints about delays on the blue prints she needed for work. Matt’s brag about the job, still waiting to be announced, seemed to disappear as he decided that the timing wasn’t right. He’ll wait. Greta wasn’t in a good mood and the kids were starting to disagree about the game.

 In using Hyper-receptive, Matt does not dare take action until he has carefully assessed the entire situation looking for any clues that will tell him how to act. His desires quickly fade away in the light of his perception of others moods and needs. He is constantly on alert. He seems like a chameleon- ready at any moment to change himself to fit the situation. “Don’t rock the boat” and “Peace at any price” are his mantras.

The Hyper-Receptive Problem

When you use Hyper-Receptive you perched on a chair awaiting the slightest hint from those around you. Your friend mentions a new type of coffee and you think, “Coffee! She must want coffee” as you jump up to make a pot. You respond to every nuance or clue- real or imagined. You aren’t able to relax, instead your presence is like that of an overly attentive butler.

 Where someone using Invisible doesn’t assert desires, and someone using Enmeshed takes on her companion’s desires, when you use Hyper-receptive you have only one desire and that is to not rock the boat. If that means being quiet- you’re quiet. If it means acting funny you’ll act funny. If it means agreeing with someone, you’ll agree. What ever it takes to keep the balancing act going- she’ll do it.

(In Hyper-Receptive mode, all arrows point inward, taking in too much.) You grasp for any clue that tells you what you can do to keep everyone happy. Everyone but you that is. But then you are too busy to even notice what you want. This is like the nervous “perfect hostess” who doesn’t have much fun at her own party.  She heaves a sigh of relief when everyone leaves and she realizes the party ended without any major mishaps. Unless you are very discreet when using this hyper-vigilant style, those around you feel tense or uncomfortable. They may try to get you to sit down and relax or they may be annoyed by your attentions. Or, if they are the type that thrives on others insecurities, they may play off your fears- pointing out imperfections and problems so they can watch your discomfort grow.

 The problem is you take in too much. You take in everyone’s energy and, in your fear, you let your fantasies and thoughts (real or imagined) impact you too much and, because of this, you don’t even have the time to consider what you really need or want. You can’t even relax. Your

 Internally, when you use this style you are constantly on the look out. It is as if life is a bomb which could be set off at any moment. An ongoing fearful conversation plays in your mind as you recreate past conversations or future disasters.  “Did I do it right?” “Is she mad at me?” and “What if...?” are common thoughts. The only time you feel like you can really relax is if you are alone.  It is not unusual for someone using this survival mode to have grown up in a household where life was unpredictable and, at times, unsafe. Now, years later, the “red alert” alarm is still on even though there is no fire. Imagine being in a group of people and relaxing. Doing nothing to try to keep them calm or happy. What happens? Can you stay centered and peaceful? Or do your fears begin to emerge?

 Parenting Effects

When parenting using this style, you become overly protective, looking for every possible danger and then some. “Look out” “Be careful” are common Hyper-Receptive phrases that teach children the world is a dangerous place. As your inability to feel safe in the world is passed on then they, too, learn to feel hesitant about living and life. They lose their natural sense of spontaneity and confidence. Instead, they learn to question their every move. Or they many withdraw from you, feeling boxed in by your unresolved fears.

 Some children, in reaction to this style of parenting become devil-may-care. They place themselves in dangerous situations, and wait for the fun to begin as they watch for your reactions. Sometimes they express the repressed emotions for the whole family which have been carefully avoided by your Hyper-Receptive moves.

[movinon]

Great thread Hope.

I am doing some work with some people right now and when we introduced boundaries, there were TONS of questions.  Most of them really had no concept of boundaries - and one of them is an M.D. and head of a cancer-research facility!

Good stuff - thanks!

Movinon

[Certain Hope]

Hi  MovinOn,

   You're welcome! And thanks to you, too    I know ... I'd thought that I had a pretty good idea re: what it meant to have healthy boundaries. Then my limits get tested all over again and I realize it's not really as clear to me as I'd thought. You know, alot of the reading I did on this topic previously was based on the Cloud/Townsend book, while in the midst of N-marriage. It's so strange, but alot of that is a blur now. I have this vague recollection of the info having helped, but not a very firm grasp at all on exactly how this all should work. Those were desperate times, indeed. Many, many times I still find myself wondering, "Do I have 'a right' to be upset about this? Is this something about which I should speak up?" One of my newest tests in discovering the answers to those questions is to think about the future and decide: Can I live with this situation/relationship/problem long-term. Do I want to face this situation over and over again or is it in my best interest to nip it in the bud right now?  Still have alot to learn!

Hi Jac,

  Yes! to all that you've said here.

Re:   What's difficult is that when you're dealing with a manipulative person they're all too ready to accuse you of being anyone of the styles that is mentioned in here and sometimes the more sensitive souls spend hours trying to figure out if they are being that way when the problem really is the other person is just trying to get their way.

  I'm thinking that the key is to go ahead and take a look at the criticism and search it out... does it carry any validity? I think that this can be done without taking it deeply to heart and re-engaging another cycle of self-beratement. Also, while we're examining the "accusation" of the other, our boundary can stand! (if it's important enough for us to set it in the first place, it's important enough to keep in place, I think.) This being established, we are free to look deeper and root out whatever might be revealed by our own honest self-examination without allowing any further abusive/manipulative treatment.

I absolutely agree with you that boundaries must be proactive and enforced. It's all empty talk if we keep verbalizing them but never follow through with logical consequences (like hanging up the phone or leaving the room in the face of verbal abuse).

Following through on consequences would be quite different between dealing with a boss or mate, I think... will have to give that one some more thought. With a mate, I'd say that compromise is the #1 factor, of course both parties need to be willing. We face the Great Thermostat Inequality here in our home and have settled for a higher temperature setting on the gizmo with the fan running in our bedroom at night. Compromise is constant, but once it's truly agreed upon, the battle ends. Values conflicts = another question entirely, I think, and far more difficult. However, I would bet that 99% of thermostat wars are actually only substitutes for real values conflicts beneath it all.

When the violator is clearly aware of the boundary s/he's crossing, their behavior sends an insulting 1-up R(espect) message to the violated person. It's easy for distracted, over-busy caregivers to ignore or violate a child's boundaries "for their own good." This can shame a child by teaching them that their limits are unimportant. Children range from submissive to aggressively demanding that their limits be respected. "

This is the truth and it's not only children who are affected. I've had a mixed bag here. One grown daughter who has trampled all over my boundaries and another who is so compliant that I have to point out to her where I myself have crossed her lines at times. Makes me dizzy. Personally, my own limits have never been important to or valued by anyone, ever, until my current husband. I guess that's why I finally now feel safe to consider defining them. Till recently, he's pretty much had to drag them out of me because I had no clue that it was ok to express limits.

Hope, you'll like this article.  It's mainly focused on boundary violations within a family, and especially with step families, and I remember reading here how your mother liked to dominate conversations and not allow your Dad on the phone.  Let me know what you think.

Yes!! Constantly!! She maintains total control. Marking the article to favorites and will read it later today.. asap. Thanks, Jac!
Ignoring is no longer an option for me. I am coming to know myself finally and see that if I take that approach, I'll slip away into that falseness once again.

I do think that if you are certain you've made your boundaries absolutely clear, then depending on the damage the violator is creating by ignoring them, other authorities may need to be brought in to enforce those limits or... as you said, simply no contact.
If there is no respect, then there is no relationship. More later.

Love,
Hope

[gratitude28]

When you use Hyper-Receptive you perched on a chair awaiting the slightest hint from those around you. Your friend mentions a new type of coffee and you think, “Coffee! She must want coffee” as you jump up to make a pot. You respond to every nuance or clue- real or imagined. You aren’t able to relax, instead your presence is like that of an overly attentive butler.

OMG... this is TOTALLY how I am and I hate it. Sometimes I just irritate myself... I hope I don't irritate others too much. Ouch... this really hit a nerve...

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Pb))))))))))   Yup, brocolli first. Spinach and rutabega, too. Makes the ice cream taste even better afterwards.
I'm so glad to hear that you got the support you needed from human resources. I know that when I first started becoming aware of all the many little clean-up projects that need tending to in my life, it seemed an impossible chore. But one at a time, it gets done, and just like any new skill, the first time or two is always the most difficult.
  As these awarenesses and methods become an engrained part of us, I think (hope!) the messes will subside because we'll be giving off a whole new air of confidence and assurance. Other people will cue in on that and be much more reluctant to cross the line. It's a good theory anyway, I think. I guess there will always be some who are so obtuse and dense they'll give us a go-round, but as long as I'm not the one being thick-skulled, I'm gaining strength in the ability to say, "O well".

((((((((Beth)))))))  Hyper-alot-of-things here, but learning to chill. You seem very calm and level-headed to me! Maybe a thicker skin isn't such a bad idea. My Dad always told me I needed to develop one.

(((((((((Tt)))))))))   Oh, I used to say that N ex-husband treated me like a pack-mule. To this day, I get sensitive sometimes about simple things... like if family knows I'm going out to the store and I see them eyeing me up ~ calculating what they can get me to do/bring home/whatever for them. Poor Maude. The thing is, she was designed for the purpose for which she was put to work. Human beings were not! I do not appreciate having my day (sometimes weeks) pre-arranged. Recently I was volunteered for a task that involved several weeks of continuous care and attention on my part which virtually no support from the person who volunteered me. I did make it clear after the fact that I thought it was inappropriate, but not without personal regret that I'd caved in and done it anyway.

Hope

[teartracks]

Hope,

Please see my Edit In, in that previous post,

tt

[Certain Hope]

  Tt ~ thank you!  Yes, I'm still reading them in reverse order and may well have missed it.

And ... me, too. I regularly get a bird's eye view of my (former) self in action and it's seeing just that which has made me aware of how I used to be, sometimes still am, and never want to be again. Amen to that resolution.

Love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

I can get so vigilant about boundaries that I forget there are no perfect friends.
Example, my closest friend can be at times manipulative.
I ain't throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

She overuses my editorial help.
It gets me at times; other times I'm (truly) happy to do it because she is working for causes I believe in, and this is also an opportunity for me to contribute behind the scenes.
But because she doesn't do the work I do or have any natural affinity for it, she often doesn't appear to understand what hard work it is. I'll labor over something to perfection and she'll go, oh thanks, bye.

On the other hand, this woman will be loyal to me for the rest of my life and treats me like family (in a good way)...and would do anything she could to help me if I needed it.

So sometimes, it's a tricky balance to LET a boundary be crossed without taking offense...because in the bigger picture, the relationship does have a giving balance.

Anybody relate?

Hops

[Hopalong]

Thanks to you too, TT.
What a wonderful thing your friend helped you voice what was deepest in your heart...I hope for your and your loved one's reconciliation.

It sounds as though you gave it all you possibly could, so I hope there's peace in that for you.

We can ask forgiveness. It's up to the other ... you know?

So I think the true job of our hearts is to forgive ourselves...

Hops

[reallyME]

I just have to comment on this post.

People who are "hyper-receptive" drive me BONKERS!  While they are sitting here pondering what to do next or asking questions about things constantly, I am standing there thinking "oh come ON and just DO it!"

Here is an example, so that I avoid attacking anyone on this message board directly:

Last night, at Praise Team practice and EVERY WED night at Praise Team practice, there was a lady I sing with, who is hyper-receptive.  We are in a new building now for our church, so we have to adjust the sound and mics and acoustics.  While we were singing, someone's sound was not right, so our sound guy needed to talk with us and let us know what to do.

Well, this lady, I will call Jennifer, when the sound guy said "something isn't right with the sound," she immediately launched into, "is it ME? cause if it is, I can sing softer.  Is it my microphone?" She was saying all this in a really rushed, nervous sort of way that was really annoying!  I wanted to SLAP HER and say "NO JENNIFER, EVERYTHING IN LIFE THAT GOES WRONG IS NOT CAUSE OF YOU, DANG IT!"

Now, the other problem is, the praise team leader is also like this.  She can't seem to decide on songs and STICK WITH HER DECISIONS.  So we end up through half the practice, sitting there waiting for her to finally convince HERSELF that she LIKES what the heck song she picked.

I am just the sort of person who chooses and ACTS.  I do not sit there, talk myself out of things or spend hours trying to REASON about stuff.  It either is or it isn't.  I either like it or I don't.

Why do hypersenstiive people have to be so annoying to people who just want to "get ON with it!"

[Certain Hope]

Laura,
 
  Re:  Why do hypersenstiive people have to be so annoying to people who just want to "get ON with it!"

   I guess because we all need to learn patience 
 
    Also, a bit of thoughtful contemplation prior to "getting on with it" is always wise, I think.

With love,
Hope

[moonlight52]

Hey Laura ,

As a hypersensitive person that is learning to grow my protective cover again and again I must say I can see why that would be annoying for you.My kids at times have found me annoying but lovable.

Laura ,guess what I think I am starting "to get on with it" ,it is a fine balance to grab a hold of but I think I AM GETTING THE IDEA!
Hope, I HAVE PATIENCE BUT I AM HOPING OTHERS HAVE PATIENCE WITH ME AS i TRANSCEND INTO IMPROVE VERSION OF MOON.
               Nope all the problems in the world are not my fault and I have given up my seating at the U.N. lol

moon

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((((M   :N)))))))))))) 

Love,
Hope

[reallyME]

CH

point taken.  I know patience is a fruit I don't have much of in my life for sure.

~Laura

[Hopalong]

Hey Pb,
Good for you...you're really working on assertiveness and clear communications.

A little note of caution?

I was just thinking it would be important as you carry forward with this good growth to remember that work, while frustrating and definitely a useful place to practice boundary setting, is also not your FOO. So sometimes you might want to practice a moderated response...still just as assertive, but without displays of anger. I don't know anything about how tolerant folks are there, but walking out might possibly be a step too drastic unless you were being overtly abused in the workplace, rather than just really aggravated... ya know?

The other thing I was thinking is that work, as much as you give and have given to it and even with the satisfaction of a challenging (and formerly nearly all male) profession...work is also not YOU.

YOU'RE you. (And a good thing, too. Your intrinsic value.)

Somewhat incoherently,
Hops