just a personal perspective of how I see N "parents"

[Hopalong]

Thanks for this whole thread, Laura. Thanks for your powerful advocacy for childrren.
And especially this clarity:

A mother nurtures a child, lets that child think and behave with its own mind.

(You know another thing that made this thread so valuable to me? The way you started it by mentioning that it would be heated...that showed such caring of the people who are reading.)

Thank you!
(((((((((((((RM))))))))))))

Hops

[penelope]

I stopped expecting approval a long time ago, with two N parents.  In fact, I've sat on the other end of the spectrum for quite a long time, fearing telling them about good things that were happening to me in life.

Yeah they're probably livid with me, but so what?  They're always livid with someone, and that it happens to be me (again) is no biggeee.  I've also learned how and why not to instigate them though.  Which is the only reason I think I'm feeling so much anxiety about meeting my brother/wife/and two kids for dinner again...I finally tapped into the feeling.  Is this worrying necessary?  Probably not.  But it does make me feel better to be prepared for the worst, which would be them showing up on my door, for a "lecture" about respect, or some other nonsense.  And if that happens, I'd call the police at this point - I told them I wanted no contact, that's really what I meant.

Hope this makes it a little bit clear for anyone who may have been confused by another post of mine on another thread.  Also, it took me a bit to figure out why I was reacting as I have been.  I'm afraid.

pb

[Hopalong]

P:B:
I'm still a little confused....you mean, you're afraid you'd be sandbagged at the dinner by your brother bringing your parents? Would he do that to you?

Well, I think there's a script even for that worst-case scenario:
Brother, I'm glad to see you, but I'm afraid it won't work out under these circumstances.

I'll see you another time. Good night everyone,
and EXIT. Calm and head up.

Then they are left to stare at their plates and face that tricks backfire.

Hops

[reallyME]

Hops:

(You know another thing that made this thread so valuable to me? The way you started it by mentioning that it would be heated...that showed such caring of the people who are reading.)

Thank you for this confirmation.  When I wrote that, letting people know that it was heated, I heard God say "yes, this is good" and now, you just confirmed it.  Maybe you are not a follower of Jesus, Hops, but I believe I've seen you really set some Godly examples on this board.  Your input is one of the main reasons I've stayed at times when I wanted to leave here.

~Laura

[Hops]

  (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Laura))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you.
I find you a very brave person, RM.

hugs,
Hops

[penelope]

P:B:
I'm still a little confused....you mean, you're afraid you'd be sandbagged at the dinner by your brother bringing your parents? Would he do that to you?

Well, I think there's a script even for that worst-case scenario:
Brother, I'm glad to see you, but I'm afraid it won't work out under these circumstances.

I'll see you another time. Good night everyone,
and EXIT. Calm and head up.

Then they are left to stare at their plates and face that tricks backfire.

Hops

No, I actually hadn't thought of that scenario hops (but thanks for mentioning it  )

I guess I should explain.  In my family, anything you tell any other member or do with any other member (having dinner, for example) gets back to Mom at lightening speed.  So, in having dinner with my brother, even if he doesn't bring up our parents, I do expect it to get back to mom one way (him mentioning he had dinner with me to her) or another (his wife or the two boys who are 6 & 8 mentioning it to grandma).  Mom tells Dad, and a "rant" ensues - this is where they think of everything I'm doing to hurt them and talk about it in excruciating detail, filling in the parts they don't know or understand with their own made up details.. somewhere along the way, I can envision a hairbrained scheme to come see me evolving along the way (it's happened before).  Being reminded of me tends to stir them up in other words, they are raging Ns.  You might say I have a vivid imagination...or, you might just say I know them from experience.  I don't know though, maybe they'll surprise me.

pb

[Hopalong]

I'm so sorry, PB.
I'm very sorry they don't get you, or treat you kindly.

You deserve complete kindness.

Well, hell, if anybody spills the beans you're our PBean, and you can hold the line!

Maybe just giving this brother a big huge loving hug, and not trying to resolve things verbally, would be a relief.

Don't be afraid of dinner, doggone it you deserve to enjoy your food! 

(((((PB)))))

Hops

[gratitude28]

Hi PB,
Just an idea...
Go to Spencers and buy a fake (but real-looking) roach. If things get ugly at dinner, divert your brother's attention, drop in on his plate and then run out of the restaurant horrified...
Anyone have a Plan B?
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

Oooooooo.... somehow I don't think a plan B will be needed!   

(((((((((Pb and Beth)))))))))

Much love,
Hope

[Sela]

Hi all:

I'm feeling so firey about certain things and I'm not real tactful in the way I say them.

Your fire is inspiring, RM, and what I get from you mostly is just plain honest.

Penny:   I think it's normal and natural and typical and usual etc for every child to want love and acceptance, not just approval, from our "parents" (and I'm with you RM, that term is not appropriate at all, in some cases).  Some give up seeking that love and acceptance/approval, when it doesn't happen, and go on to act out and do all kinds of ridiculous stuff..... rebel, I guess.  Others, keep trying and trying and trying for that love and acceptance/approval.....over and over and over.....hoping against hope it will somehow come....we will do that one right thing that will finally open their eyes and they will then.....after all.....at last......give what we most want and need.

Many people go on to seek that love and acceptance/approval from a spouse (often of similar traits/makeup as the devoid "parents") and spend great periods of life....doing the same performance thingy....getting the same unhappy result.

You may be 45 but you're not dead yet.  As a matter of fact, you're coming alive now.....like a butterfly breaking out of a cocoon (or something equally poetic), it sure seems to me.  You will write your book I bet!!  And it will be a great success!  And you will do it....not to please or get love or acceptance or approval from anyone.....except yourself because the fact is.....you don't need their love or approval/acceptance.  You do just fine without it.

((((((Penny))))))

Beth:  That roach plan!!  Too funny!   

  Sela