Thanks everyone for your thoughtful replies, you've definitely given me some food for thought!
Portia, you're right, I do cease to exist,...I'm having a hard time accepting that reality...but if I'm honest I've denied this pattern for a long time. I used to tell myself that they just didn't have any support to give,..that was just theirway,...blah blahblah,..I let them get away with alot of hurtful stuff because it was so important this idea of having an extended family(to me). I could just sit and cry for a long time about how much time I've wasted trying to make it pretty when it just wasn't. My parents don't miss or consider me, so why did I think they'd give a hoot about their grandchildren? But I did,...I just kept trying to get it right. When I was going through a really tough spot w/ a teenage son, and couldn't host or even think about company for the holidays(like I always do)...they simply dropped us. No calls, no Xmas card, no nothing,...then a few months later, it's like nothing everhappened. Consider me?..forget it.
Discounted Girl, you've made me think alot about the idea of being "seen"(or not). Of all the members of my extended family, I seem to have come up with the reputation of the one "who clashes" most. I am really a problem, because I will fight my way out of the corners they try to put me in, and I say NO. So I'm shunned. I've got too much to say, and they don't want to hear it. I've allowed my King Nbrother(who has no kids) to jerk me and my kids around,..I've watched as my awful parents just say no to young grandchildren's requests..like,..can you come to my soccer game?(because it happens to overlap with their 1 or 2 short visits per year), I was there when my father reamed out my 11 year in front of company in My home at aholiday dinner. This latest stunt was the last I have heard from him, since I told him to shut-up or get out. You are so right DG, that kids will be shocked and not know how to handle it..my 11yo looked like a deer caught in headlights. Never again, and you're right I don't need them.
Phoenix,yes andyes,...the years I could have spent making a life of my own,..wow! My life is half over too, but unlike you, I can' t stay away from these boards,...they are a lifeline, sometimes the only one I have and though I haven't contributed much yet, I take away something I can't put a $$tag on. My illusions are shattering with force right now, and I'm getting even more mouthy, especially with my sister who has taken a neutral (read superior) position. Her position is that they're old and they ARE our parents and did the best they could. But then, she lives thousands of miles away, and has a phone relationship with everyone. The ole geographical cut-off. I loved all these people so selflessly, I provided holidays and family get-togethers for years, but it doesn't count for anything.
pp, you know, they just don't contact me! they just cut-off their ususal birthday checks, oh and yes a magazine subscription my mother had been sending me for the past 5-6 years without a word. Granted I haven't called as much since the holiday (11yo)incident, but they haven't called at all, and the actions are taken without a word of discussion or?
The reason for the cut-off on my part anyway, is that there's been no apology. There's no way he's having any more contact with these kids without one, and I don't expect one. At the time that this incident happened, while I was in the midst of shouting him down, I turned to my mother and said"This is ok with you?"???!!! She said no, but was definitely cowed as usual. But even she hasn't called to talk w/me about it, and it's been over a year. Sometimes I really worry about her, but latelyI just can't get past the feeling that her silence is condoning. How can she not stand up for a kid?her grandson?? The uncomfortable looming truth is that he has a strangle-hold on her.
Thank-you for the part about "successful life strategies. That was a wake-up call for me, because, I AM suffering, and I know that these 4 boys know it. The whole piece about raising boys(teens-some) and the flying testosterone levels, and aggresion and power,...whew, I never really thought about that angle or "attraction" before. Thanks for sharing!
I try to keep these 2 younger boys (11&14) pretty busy, and as I have homeschooled them for 6 years, we have so many great friends in that community for which I am forever grateful. We've come through so much, but I know all of my sons will carry this with them. And I haven't even told you about my husband's family!!#?* Maybe I'll save that for another day.
Thanks everyone for listeningand sharing
Emily
