I guess I was inspired by "broken chains" that I read recently, I think somebody here posted a link to it a while back.
Anyway I scribbled this out:
To cage a … ?
Preparing for so long; not just the snare, but the cage as well
The snare was the easy part; just make it irresistible, test it many many times, polish it up, refine it each time with a bit more sparkle here and a subtle change there. All the time learning to capture…
Practice makes perfect, each catch its own pleasure and so easy to toss back, marked of course for fun, sometimes for life.
The thrill of the catch, held sometimes for only that moment of recognition when you know, you just know, you can say to yourself: ‘yup, I have this one, it’s mine if I want’ but I’ll let it go, bewildered in its release sometimes, others not even aware of what just happened in that fleeting moment
That was part of the fun too… Some were to be held for short times, just until the fun stopped; when it’s not new anymore, although something to play with while still snaring others that had something to offer that the current one lacked. Bedazzle the new one and its in your hand; so easy; the old one ? ah, just ignore it, it will go away. Sometimes a little pity for its confusion might allow a slower departure, but the new one is more exciting, the old one might question, but it will never know
The cage itself was more effort, it must be beautiful yet sturdy and certainly full of distractions to keep it occupied. And there it is, the object of desire finally possessed. Happy at first, so distracted that it didn’t even know where it was or the truth of how it got there. But it still might break free somehow, so keep the snare at work as well, just in case; and keep a few old ones on loose tethers just in case also, just in case…
This one really is different, strangely it didn’t flee when it realised the snare, even more strangely it eschews the distractions and sees through the cage as if it wasn’t even there. So much effort to build it yet it achieves nothing but a cage around myself…
Oh My God ! – the snare and cage keeps no-one in & never did !
It was just to keep them out of my own cage I built around myself, which….
Oh My God Again ! My cage keeps me from being free with them ! I am the one on the inside looking out
And every trap I ever set I fell into myself…Thing is, F reads it & says "that's a nice poem" cheerfully
I'd copied her broken chains a week ago & she hadn't read it, & said she thought this was it
"No, I wrote this this afternoon" I said
"Wow, You wrote it ? Its really good !" she replies...
"Umm,... You know its about you don't you ?" I say
" Yes of course I do"
I'm basically totally lost guys. We had a few months of talking within the last year which, although there was lots of crying, there was emotions, but ever since the N label has come up its as if she now has a bunch of rules to follow, as in 'I see all this info on how N's behave, & its clear that thats what I've been doing, so yay finally thats what I am so thats how I will be'
It seems to be following on the same coping stratagy she's always used. In the past she would simply adopt (absorb) comments, attitudes & behaviours from those who got lots of attention; and as she encountered usefull suppliers she would display all these stored 'cards' to milk them dry in every way.
The lifestyle of "F**k them over before they can F**k you over" was actually quoted to me and applied to our 'engagement'
So here we have a new set of rules to follow, rather than being viewed as dysfunctions to avoid or habits to break.
I do feel however, that their really is a desire to turn it all around & actually be a loving human being, the problem is everything thats ever been learned has built layers of life armor over layers of child pain that can only be dismantled from the inside out.
Anyway, Nice to have some people to talk to
Thank you all for being here, although I'm also sorry that you are all here too HEHE
