How do I deal with control games? Big rant

[moonlight52]

I have learned so much here and I have some things going on that I do not know how to handle.
This summer my N  2 times abused me in his  office.


I think I am angry for the first time I think this might be healthy but if I let out a little anger the gate to that scares me

 I do not call n .n calls me I can not figure out why until today It is only about control.

Well n called today and I just felt it was so awkward so I ANSWERED THE PHONE ALL THERE WAS THE USUAL SMALL TALK.
Well one thing is different I will never call n .
But thats not why I do not call n .
It is I just want n out of my head and n is for the most part.

But back to the phone call my n  called so that in the mid conversation n could
put me on hold and in mid sentence cut me off.
Then n said I got to go "got to make money"and then again put me on hold and hung up mid sentence n mid sentence.

I can not believe it n's calling me just so n can be rude to me for not talking to n on the phone the last two times n called.


n knows I just want peace Thats what it has come
down to n understands nothing and only called to put me on hold because I DID NOT TAKE n CALLS.
AND HERE I AM STRONGER THAN EVER AND n JUST WILL NOT
LEAVE ME ALONE.

To think n has been calling just to play games.

I am angry for the first time in my life I am afraid of this anger toward n if I let any out I am going to something I do not know
I AM AFRAID OF HOW ANGRY I AM    HELP

[Gaining Strength]

Moon

this is from the site about N mothers but I think you will find it interesting.  It is definitely not gender specific.

She makes you look crazy. If you try to confront her about something she’s done, she’ll tell you that you have “a very vivid imagination” (this is a phrase commonly used by abusers of all sorts to invalidate your experience of their abuse) that you don’t know what you’re talking about, or that she has no idea what you’re talking about. She will claim not to remember even very memorable events, flatly denying they ever happened, nor will she ever acknowledge any possibility that she might have forgotten. This is an extremely aggressive and exceptionally infuriating tactic called “gaslighting,” common to abusers of all kinds. Your perceptions of reality are continually undermined so that you end up without any confidence in your intuition, your memory or your powers of reasoning. This makes you a much better victim for the abuser.

My father has inherented millions from both of his parents and he has given me the $10K annul limit about ten years.  That is all I can hope to receive.  At least his N father set up trusts to pay for our education and my father could have easily afforded our tuition.  I haven't a clue how I'll send my son to college.  These Ns are so selfish.  Just let go a little bit at a time and keep talking about it here.

GS

[Stormchild]

Moon, my Nmother used to put me on hold to take other calls when I was calling her from overseas.

Know what I did?

I HUNG UP.

And called her the following week, per schedule.

And when she put me on hold again, I HUNG UP AGAIN.

And if she gave me a hard time about it, I HUNG UP AGAIN.

Eventually, she learned.

Your father will too. If it's worth taking the time and effort to train him. It may not be. On the other hand, believe me, putting that receiver down and going on about YOUR business instead of being kept dangling on THEIR string - is very satisfying.

Sweet, sweet freedom.

[And you can actually put it back in his lap, even. "Oh, you were obviously doing something MORE IMPORTANT, so I decided I should take care of some of MY business too." ]

[pennyplant]

Dear Moon,

It sounds like you're afraid of your anger.  Afraid of what it might make you do.  Afraid of how big it is.  The thing is, the way he treats you, and especially the way he treated you today, well anyone would be angry about this.  Perhaps the reason it feels so big is that it is also probably tapping into the other terrible things he has done all your life.  Perhaps that is why it feels so overwhelming today.  Because it is more than just one act of disrespect, more than one childish, selfish man, more than the two abusive incidents this summer, more than the inheritance.  All the terrible things over all the years are connected.  This rude phone call, and all the others, are like dominos knocking into each other and laying flat this one huge, complicated design.

It must be handled in small, manageable chunks.  So, that you don't become overwhelmed.  Maybe you could tell us some of the things here.  At your own pace.  I know that I would read it and feel supportive of you.  I feel supportive of you right now.  And I think it will be okay because I believe you can work through this.

Love, Pennyplant

[ANewSheriff]

Oh, Moon...  

I feel for you.

I AM AFRAID OF HOW ANGRY I AM AT HIM HELP

 

What do you fear so much about this anger?  My hunch is that it is an appropriate and healthy response to your recognition of the dysfunction that you have been exposed to for so many years.  I know it is scary to finally unleash some of these stuffed feelings, but you seem to have wonderful insight and be a very able individual.  I do not see you creeping around this guy's yard with a pick axe in the wee hours of the morning, you know?    You do have your wits about you, after all.  

Truthfully, Moon, I understand this anger.  You are being manipulated and what is worse is that you are aware of it.  Of course you are angry.  I think this anger might be a very healing thing for you - a new horizon of sorts.  It is here to teach you in some way.  This is so frustrating, but know that you are not alone and we are all rooting for you.  

ANS    

[Sela]

Hiya Moon:

Feeling duped......used for his games.....manipulated......controlled by him etc, it's no wonder that makes you mad.  Who wants to be a pawn in somebody else's little stupid game or manipulated into doing what heeee wants (you to answer the phone) or who wants to feel like heeeeeeee has all of the control?  Nobody Moon.

What if you go back to plan A and just not talk to him?  That was your plan and it was working, it seems, as you were feeling content and happy without his interference? 

Anger is ok.  It's a big feeling.  It feels big and powerful but it's just a feeling, really.  You still choose how to behave and what to do.  He might have controlled this phone call but you can decide about the next one.   You are entitled to your peace Moon.

I'm glad you're writing here and expressing your anger.   Nothing wrong with that.  Go ahead, as much as you need to.  That's the difference between you and him......you can feel and he.....can only try to control.

((((((((((((((((Moon))))))))))))))))  Sorry your dad is so blind and greedy.  He's missing out on having a wonderful relationship with a lovely daughter.  I don't think you're missing out on much from him (as I don't think he has much to give).  It probably drives him batty that you don't care about the money too.  Ha!!

Sela 

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((((moon))))))))))))))))))))))))

I agree!!! Let yourself be angry. What a jerk!!! And I definitely agree with storm... fabulous idea... hang up.

I waited in line for hours while living in Moscow to use one of the only telephones they had to call my parents since I was there for six months alone, and young... in college. I only talked to them about once a month. My mother would either complain about the time difference, or, and this was the best one, she started bitching about whether I had taken my gym classes to finish up college. Totally out of the blue and not related to anything... AND, after being gone for over 6 months, learning sooooo much about a different culture and becoming very good at the language, they were late picking me up at the airport and her very first comment to me was, "Didn't you miss the amenities of our life?" She was so pissed that I liked it there. Anytime I mention anything to do with Russia or Russian, she purses her lips and acts disgusted.

Moon, you are a wonderful person. Why don't you tell your dad next time that you are too busy to talk at that moment, could he call you back at (give him a time). He won't like it and probably won't call back, but it gives you a set time to deal with him if you must. And then hang up on him as stormy said, if he cuts you off.

[Stormchild]

She was so pissed that I liked it there. Anytime I mention anything to do with Russia or Russian, she purses her lips and acts disgusted.

Envy, Beth. Pure and simple envy.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Moon,

  I would give him a calling schedule according to your own preference and if he misses one of those phone appointments, he'll have to wait till the next one. After all, time is money    ((((((((Moon)))))))))

Beth and Stormy, I think it's more than envy. It's being unable to accept that her daughter can live and live well without her.

Hope

[penelope]

moon,

how come you took his call today?

hugs,
pb

[moonlight52]

Hi Guys  

My anger made me throw up. I do not want to feel angry my T says I have anger and I should hit pillows with
tennis rackets or stomp heavily on the floor to get it out.
    n has to leave me alone

I miss my sister................................................................................................
I miss her i miss my twin and mom and all thats left are the n's
I have taken all there crap you do not know they laugh at me and are mean.
I just want to be left alone. he can not keep treating me like crap forever I just do not expect people to be mean
even after all I am so dumb I am surprised everytime n does it or the other n' she is really rude she tells my oldest daughter how she does not like me,Oh my god these people what planet did they come from and why did I have to lose all the kind ones in my original family.
why ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I want n parent to go away and stop hurting me
    YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW MEAN HE IS

[moonlight52]

because i felt sorry for n he tricked me


But why is he so mean I do not want anything from him

I love my 2 daughters and hubby
I just keep saying n can't hurt me anymore
I just want peace I had it and now more work to do I have this anger my T says there a special therapist that does intense
therapy that is for people like me real intense every day like 3 hour sessions thats what I need

I am OK now
why are they mean I just want to be with the people that love me and n will not let me have that



m

[gratitude28]

Love you moon!!!
I always hurt myself before too... cutting, bulimia, eating, you name it. I still do in a minor way when I get upset. I get out of balance quickly. I also don't understand how anyone could hurt someone else... but I have no trouble hurting myself. Can you imagine an n hurting himself or herself. Never!
Moon, you are already moving back into the right frame of mind. It is so hard when they manage to push the right button, no matter how serene we have become. Do focus on your lovely life and family and your art and your studies. You are not part of him. Can you see him as separate from you?
Take extra care of yourself moon. Just as you wouldn't hurt someone else, you should not hurt yourself.
Love, Beth

[Gaining Strength]

Hold on tightly Moon.  Hold on.  When the emotion is too big, hold on until it passes.  Just let it wash OVER you and not through you.  Stand out side of yourself and watch the effects of your father's meanness on you.  This gives you one step of detachment.  Even though you still feel the pain you can get a little space from it until it passes.

I am sending you love and encouragement while you experience so much pain. 

Yours - GS

[Hopalong]

Oh, ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Moon)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Cruelty. On top of grief for losing your sweet mother and precious twin brother.

I am so terribly sorry. I absolutely hate to think of you suffering this way.

I know your anger is natural. I know how hard you are clinging to your gentleness and your loving spirit.

But now that I've heard the details of how he treats you....Moon!

I BELIEVE IT IS NOT GENTLE AND LOVING TO LET HIM DO THIS. IF YOU HAVE LINGERING LONGING LOVE FOR HIM (a good soul like you can't just turn it off)--can you think of it this way:

IT IS NOT GOOD FOR HIM--FOR HIS SOUL OR SPIRIT--TO BE FREE TO TAUNT YOU. You speak to him these days because you do love him, Moon.

Your refusal may be egging on his Nism, but underneath Nism is still a terminally damaged human.

I think you are saving both yourself and his sacred scrap of human value by not allowing this treatment.

And on a practical level, PLEASE get a Caller ID box. You see his number, you don't pick up.

I love all the suggestions above, too.

We love you dearly Moon. If you need to release anger and get help with that, you'll have a crowd of cybersisters (and a Muddy brother) in that room with you, hon. You can holler and vent and cry and pound things with a kind skilled anger specialist T and you will NOT break apart. You will NOT go crazy. You will NOT die from the pain.

Much much much love and type here until your poor arm hurts, honey. It's okay.

Your twin and your mother are INSIDE YOU. They are NOT GONE. You have THEIR STRENGTH TOO.

Your anger is not your enemy and it is okay to be powerful with it.

IT IS OKAY FOR YOU TO BE POWERFUL, MOON.

love you, forgive all the "yelling"--

Hops