What does this say about me?

[lynn]

Hi friends,

Recently I crossed the line of understanding about my long term marriage with an N man.  I feel overwhelmed with new information about N.  A light went on in my head, a veil was lifted from my eyes. It is extraordinary.

I am wondering what having stayed in this marriage says about me. ( I am certain that if I effectively get out of the relationship time will make things clearer... )

But what kind of person chooses to live in an N environment?  It is easier to look at someone else and see that they are in a bad relationship.  It is harder to look within.

lynn

[Anonymous]

Dear Lynn,

You don't need to chastise yourself.  We who found ourselves in relationships with Ns were usually raised and trained by same.  When you spend your informative years denying self, you are "ripe for the picken'".  N's will be attracted to you because they can focus on themselves and we're attracted to them because we're still trying to get these unavailable people to love us.  One of the most helpful books I've ever read in trying to understand how we choose our partners was GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT by Harville Hendrix.  It literally changed the way I understood relationships.  He says that the relationships we choose comes from our "urgent desire to heal childhood wounds."

Just the fact that you are now able to examine some of these issues is clearly a tribute to your strength, not your weakness.  All thre best, Pat

[phoenix]

bye

[Anonymous]

Lynn,

It probably says about you, that you did not know about narcissism. Now you know. And you can make some positive moves.

[muji]

I agree Phoenix, it is a type of seduction.  Tall, dark, and handsome.  Intelligent, successful, AND single!  That described my N.  Met through a dating service no less - that was a very costly date.  I got way less than I paid for.  Anyway Lynn, I didn't conciously choose an N.  I was very specific on that profile as to what I was looking for and it said NOTHING about a narcissists or other such neglectful person.  Somehow they just know though, don't they?  Before I realized what was happening, I was already sucked into the vortex.  When I did realize though, i still couldn't do anything.  At that point, the seduction had turned into an addiction.  
That's my reality though, it may not be yours.  If it is, I'd say look at it like an alcoholic would look at a glass of booze.  It might taste good at that moment and you might could handle one drink but. . . it's best not to fall off of that wagon again.  Easier task now that we have this forum as our seat belt and the knowledge of narcissism and voicelessness as a drivers manual.  Good luck to you.  I second the Guest's comment that now that you are armed with this new awareness,  you can actually make a conscious choice next time.

muji

[Anonymous]

What a weekend.  My N came back from out of town and what got me first and hardest was his sadness.  It is intense and tears him up so much.  I fall for it.  It makes me sad too.  An overwhelming, down to my core sadness.

I have been reading this board a lot.  And while I did feel the sweep of sadness, I kept my mouth shut most of the time.

By the second day, my N started to negotiate.  This is the part the typically hurts me the most because it ends up with insults and grand statements about what is wrong with me.  It was hard.  I am always on the edge of wanting to explain.... I know intellectually that his questions are almost always a trap.... he asks me something about a hot trigger point, I provide a heartfelt and revealing answer and off we go with the twists and turns.  

I have a friend who was married to an N.  He had a lot of bad traits.  She eventually left him.  She says that even though he had all these awful behaviors, he was the love of her life....

I've thought about that a lot.  And think that it may be that an N focuses on themselves most of the time.  But when that focus shifts to you it is amazing.  The intensity of the focus is so crystalized.  It like sunshine or applause or winning an award for appreciation. That may be what draws me in.  The times when the focus is on me feels so incredibly good.

In any case,  I am still on track with my plan to leave N.  My guess is that the next step will be anger and a lot more negotiating.  

It is so sad for me to end this relationship on such a horrible note.  I don't want to destroy this man.  I want to save myself.  

Gotta go to work, now.  Thank you for your help.

[lynn]

That last message was from me, lynn.  I forgot to log in first.

[Portia]

Lynn Lynn - you won't destroy him. It's impossible. Please take care of yourself and those who can respond to love and care, don't waste emotion on those who cannot understood it, let alone reciprocate. And if he cries (one of mine did) it's just a ploy to get your sympathy. Turn your back and his tears will stop. P

[Jacmac, as guest]

Lynn, when I ended the relationship (and I mean ENDED) the relationship with the last N I was involved with, the sound of his tears echoed for miles and miles.  He was heartbroken; he was devastated; he could not, in any way shape or form live without me and how could I do this to him????!!!

But you know what, that is HIS problem, and not my own.  My problem happened to be HIM and the way he treated me.  It really became that simple.  I do not say this in a heartless way.  I wish him all the best.  I hope some day something will happen to help him change and become someone who is not so afraid of love that he pushes everyone around him away, but the person who is going to SAVE him is not going to be me.

I was done.  I washed my hands of him and it was like breaking out of prision and running, literally, for my life!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

when I left my husband he just carried on as before, except without me 'caretaking'.
His life fell apart, but others stepped into the giving-breach.
When they withdrew and he fell apart again I went back, after he spent two years convincing me he had changed.
Stupid, stupid me.

[pp]

delete

[Windmill]

I thought my Narcissistic xhusband was the love of my life - and then I became involved with a normal, healthy and loving man. And now I get appreciation and empathy every day.

What I had before was PEANUTS. I cannot even describe how lacking my x was both emotionally and also sexually...

This man is the TRUE love of my life!  

[lynn]

Hello friends,

I continue to execute my plan of leaving my N husband.  Met with attorneys, photocopying important documents.  An extra set of clothes and credit card in my vehicle......

I find it amazing to hear his words with my new ears.  What before sounded like empathy, is really a manipulation.  I am doing a better job of staying out of this trap.  This board helps tremendously.  It reminds me of reality.

What about kids.  My children are 16 and 19.  I read the things those of you who grew up with an N parent are dealing with now.... I feel guilt and sadness about having provided this type of home.  I hope that I can help my kids avoid the pain that many of you from N families have experienced.  

Leaving the relationship is absolutely the first thing.  Then what?  What suggestions do you have about helping children?

[Anonymous]

Hi Lynn,

Well, let me first say I haven't had to physically leave an N before (although I numb out quite a bit whe I'm around one).  But I had to write to you about these:

I feel guilt and sadness about having provided this type of home.

I wonder if it would make a difference if we changed the word "provided" to "participated".  Did you really provide this environment?  Was it your choice to live in the emotional environment that developed?  It seems that you are now choosing NOT to participate in the manipulation, etc., anymore.  

I would gently suggest to take one step at a time.  That is prepare for your separation (which you are doing) and deal with the fall out later.  You are doing great at seeing past the tears BTW.  Those are real tears, but he cries for himself not for a healthy relationship or for you.  (Like a criminal cries about getting caught, not with remorse for what they did.) When I did cut off a relationship with a significant N in my life, their world did not crumble.  They are survivors and automatically and instinctively turn to their next host/victim.  It will spin your head on how quickly they get over someone who no longer delivers.

Next, regarding your children, you might be surprised to learn that they are aware and observant and might even open up to you with their own feelings, once they feel safe and sense that you are open and willing to hear them.  Any awful experience can be a lesson.  That's one reason we all show up here: to share our lessons and to learn from others.

Hope this helps.  Seeker

[lynn]

Seeker,

Thank you for your supportive reply.  I know that you are right.  One thing at a time.  It is difficult to not think about finances and where I will end up living and my children.... as it so completely intertwined.  But you are right, if I try to take it all on at once, it is way, way too hard.  

I do believe that when a door closes, a window opens.  I'm ready for some fresh air!

Thank you,

lynn