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What does this say about me?

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Windmill:
I thought my Narcissistic xhusband was the love of my life - and then I became involved with a normal, healthy and loving man. And now I get appreciation and empathy every day.

What I had before was PEANUTS. I cannot even describe how lacking my x was both emotionally and also sexually...

This man is the TRUE love of my life!  :D

lynn:
Hello friends,

I continue to execute my plan of leaving my N husband.  Met with attorneys, photocopying important documents.  An extra set of clothes and credit card in my vehicle......

I find it amazing to hear his words with my new ears.  What before sounded like empathy, is really a manipulation.  I am doing a better job of staying out of this trap.  This board helps tremendously.  It reminds me of reality.

What about kids.  My children are 16 and 19.  I read the things those of you who grew up with an N parent are dealing with now.... I feel guilt and sadness about having provided this type of home.  I hope that I can help my kids avoid the pain that many of you from N families have experienced.  

Leaving the relationship is absolutely the first thing.  Then what?  What suggestions do you have about helping children?

Anonymous:
Hi Lynn,

Well, let me first say I haven't had to physically leave an N before (although I numb out quite a bit whe I'm around one).  But I had to write to you about these:


--- Quote ---I feel guilt and sadness about having provided this type of home.
--- End quote ---


I wonder if it would make a difference if we changed the word "provided" to "participated".  Did you really provide this environment?  Was it your choice to live in the emotional environment that developed?  It seems that you are now choosing NOT to participate in the manipulation, etc., anymore.  

I would gently suggest to take one step at a time.  That is prepare for your separation (which you are doing) and deal with the fall out later.  You are doing great at seeing past the tears BTW.  Those are real tears, but he cries for himself not for a healthy relationship or for you.  (Like a criminal cries about getting caught, not with remorse for what they did.) When I did cut off a relationship with a significant N in my life, their world did not crumble.  They are survivors and automatically and instinctively turn to their next host/victim.  It will spin your head on how quickly they get over someone who no longer delivers.

Next, regarding your children, you might be surprised to learn that they are aware and observant and might even open up to you with their own feelings, once they feel safe and sense that you are open and willing to hear them.  Any awful experience can be a lesson.  That's one reason we all show up here: to share our lessons and to learn from others.

Hope this helps.  Seeker

lynn:
Seeker,

Thank you for your supportive reply.  I know that you are right.  One thing at a time.  It is difficult to not think about finances and where I will end up living and my children.... as it so completely intertwined.  But you are right, if I try to take it all on at once, it is way, way too hard.  

I do believe that when a door closes, a window opens.  I'm ready for some fresh air!

Thank you,

lynn

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