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What does this say about me?

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Anonymous:
What a weekend.  My N came back from out of town and what got me first and hardest was his sadness.  It is intense and tears him up so much.  I fall for it.  It makes me sad too.  An overwhelming, down to my core sadness.

I have been reading this board a lot.  And while I did feel the sweep of sadness, I kept my mouth shut most of the time.

By the second day, my N started to negotiate.  This is the part the typically hurts me the most because it ends up with insults and grand statements about what is wrong with me.  It was hard.  I am always on the edge of wanting to explain.... I know intellectually that his questions are almost always a trap.... he asks me something about a hot trigger point, I provide a heartfelt and revealing answer and off we go with the twists and turns.  

I have a friend who was married to an N.  He had a lot of bad traits.  She eventually left him.  She says that even though he had all these awful behaviors, he was the love of her life....

I've thought about that a lot.  And think that it may be that an N focuses on themselves most of the time.  But when that focus shifts to you it is amazing.  The intensity of the focus is so crystalized.  It like sunshine or applause or winning an award for appreciation. That may be what draws me in.  The times when the focus is on me feels so incredibly good.

In any case,  I am still on track with my plan to leave N.  My guess is that the next step will be anger and a lot more negotiating.  

It is so sad for me to end this relationship on such a horrible note.  I don't want to destroy this man.  I want to save myself.  

Gotta go to work, now.  Thank you for your help.

lynn:
That last message was from me, lynn.  I forgot to log in first.

Portia:
Lynn Lynn - you won't destroy him. It's impossible. Please take care of yourself and those who can respond to love and care, don't waste emotion on those who cannot understood it, let alone reciprocate. And if he cries (one of mine did) it's just a ploy to get your sympathy. Turn your back and his tears will stop. P

Jacmac, as guest:
Lynn, when I ended the relationship (and I mean ENDED) the relationship with the last N I was involved with, the sound of his tears echoed for miles and miles.  He was heartbroken; he was devastated; he could not, in any way shape or form live without me and how could I do this to him????!!!

But you know what, that is HIS problem, and not my own.  My problem happened to be HIM and the way he treated me.  It really became that simple.  I do not say this in a heartless way.  I wish him all the best.  I hope some day something will happen to help him change and become someone who is not so afraid of love that he pushes everyone around him away, but the person who is going to SAVE him is not going to be me.

I was done.  I washed my hands of him and it was like breaking out of prision and running, literally, for my life!!!!!!

Anonymous:
when I left my husband he just carried on as before, except without me 'caretaking'.
His life fell apart, but others stepped into the giving-breach.
When they withdrew and he fell apart again I went back, after he spent two years convincing me he had changed.
Stupid, stupid me.

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