My dad’s 70th birthday is coming up. I haven’t spoken to my parents in almost 3 months and it’s been wonderful for my sanity. I’m not sure how to handle his birthday though – should I send a card, etc.,?
A bit of background on the recent situation: I chose not to speak to my mom after a stunt she pulled just before my birthday (hers is two days after mine). She was angry that I wasn’t throwing a big party for us (read: her) and was livid that hubby and I were celebrating with a little getaway for ourselves. Anyways, she went around telling our extended family and that I promised her a party and some expensive handbag and that I decided at the last second to be selfish and spend all my money on myself when she was the one that deserved it...and on and on. When the news got back to me, I had enough and decided to cut her out.
(BTW, growing up I was the parentified overachiever and compliant child. My sister on the other hand is the ignored child (dad wants nothing to do with her since she has a learning disability) and sadly she’s been behaving more like my mother which worries me deeply. )
Now my dad: Two weeks before my birthday he leaves a drunken message wishing me a happy 25th (I’m 29 – my entire life he’s never bothered to remember my age or what grade I was in). So anyways, my 19 year old sister calls me that afternoon and I jokingly tell her about the message – no big deal, it’s dad – we’re used to it. Two days before my birthday he gives me another call when I’m home and he says he was just joking about saying I was 25 and that he knows I have “issues with growing old” (?!) and was just trying to be funny about it. But regardless, he was calling me now to “get it out of the way”. He goes on to say that I make enough money so he doesn’t need to buy me a gift and he doesn’t have my address, so he can’t send a card. Whatever, I don’t want his gifts since they’re always horrible (typical N behaviour I know). I tell him that I’m away on business for the next two weeks and that I’m not taking personal calls on my cell during then (his calls are always the same: to tell me the news headlines, how bored he is, how mom has screwed him over and how horrible it is to be old). He asks me where I’m going and when he finds out that I’m headed to NY & LA, he says I shouldn’t be travelling alone and I should bring him along for safety (again, he’s pushing 70 – an umbrella provides better protection). I tell him I’m fine, I’ve done this before tons of times, blah, blah.
The morning I land in LA, my cell rings. It’s dad calling. I resolve that I’m not answering it. I've set my boundaries and told him not to call so I’m not giving in. 5 minutes later it rings again. And then 15 minutes after that. That day alone he called 30+ times. I check in with my husband and nope, no one died as far as he knew. For six days, he kept calling and calling without any message. Finally, the calls stopped. And that was the last I heard from him. I have nothing to say to him or mom, so I haven’t bothered trying to get in touch. I resolved at the time that they were too toxic for me, not learning until a month later about narcissism. I hear from my sister on occasion so that’s enough family for me.
So now back to the question: Do I bother acknowledging his birthday? Hubby says no – he likes the silence (lol). One part of me thinks a card is sufficient. The other part thinks I’m feeding into his N if I bother. I dunno, maybe send him a happy “80th” card two weeks after his birthday as a compromise?
I know that’ll tick him off. Suggestions? How do you guys handle birthdays and holidays with N people?
Lily
