How does your SO make you feel wanted,loved?

[adrift]

O.K., yes this is a physical thread, sorry. Feel free to ignore this if it is too offensive or personal.  I've looked for other forums in which to ask these type questions, but I can't find anyplace that isn't like a porn site.     And you guys always give such good advice anyway.......   Don't want anyone to get too graphic here or anything or make anyone uncomfortable.....but if your SO told you that his main fantasy is watching you with someone else (which, btw, has never happened), ummmmm, would that make you feel wanted?? It makes me feel like I'm not enough. And I know love and sex are supposedly not the same thing, but when one is lacking the other suffers IMHO. 

TIA

[pennyplant]

I guess I know that my husband wants me and loves me because he says so and behaves so all the time.  His fantasies are about him and he actually doesn't have any adventurous ones these days that he has shared with me.  When we were younger, he had that fantasy that you mention and it didn't really make me feel unwanted or wanted.  It didn't surprise me or bother me either way.  My husband doesn't seem to really ever be able to make me feel insecure about my value or worth.  The rest of the world can do that to me, though.  I can do that to me.

He knows what I have thought about or wished for (as far as having an affair) and it did make him feel unwanted and unloved.  It was very difficult for him.  He seems okay now though, especially since I don't talk about it anymore and don't really expect my fantasy to ever come true anyway.

Pennyplant

[Plucky]

It makes me feel like I'm not enough.

adrift,
I think I would react the same way.  I really try to be openminded, but I just don't see how that arrangement could enhance a relationship.  I know there are people who make it work.  I am not one of them.

If I were in a relationship and the person really wanted this, it would inhibit my own lving feelings towards this person.  I would find it harder to open up and be turned on.

Plucky

[gratitude28]

Hey adrift,
To me it depends... does he REALLY want you to do it, or does he like thinking/talking about it??? Could you "dirty talk" about it for fun???? I like thinking about various combinations... but wouldn't really go searching for one. But things do get dull sometimes... especially when it's the same quickie before bed stuff, ya know...
If my husband said that was his fantasy, no problem. If he really wanted me to do it, I'd have no idea even how to go about it and really wouldn't want to.
What kind of fantasies do you have????? Would he be bothered by them, do you think???
Love, Beth

[moonlight52]

Hi Adrift,

I have been with hubby since we were teenagers.

We have chemistry.My hubby has never asked for for this fantasy.

But I am sure it is a common one.

I would not feel that I were not enough but see it as a common fantasy men sometimes have.

Bless their hearts

But to me lovemaking is sacred and more than just physical.

MoonLight

[2bbetter]

A guys point of view on this one...

I can't imagine anything worse !

But then thats just me. Shrink we saw last year came out with "You have to understand that M doesn't separate sex and intimacy"

I still wonder what that really means. I don't feel that I am suposed to go and somehow work out how to separate them, I jst feel that its a very intimate act. Kissing similarly, very intimate act physically expressing feeleings, seeking closeness & sharing pleasure. I have to feel close to, and attracted to someone to kiss or have sex with them, i.e. be emotionally or phsycally intimate.

I can be emotionally intimate with someone (verbally expressing feelings) without being sexually attracted to them, so there's intimacy there with close friends, family etc. but totally no interest in being with them physically.

Dunno where that all fits in with the fantasy (not one of mine is all) but I wonder if it is at all related to picturing someone you love as a pornstar or something.

Just had a thought ! :

I reckon surprise him with a huge mirror on the bedroom wall oneday ! (diy packs of self adhesive mirror tiles  ?)

Then he can see himself as the the 'other guy' in the mirror ! could be a win-win-win idea

Now there is where it resonates with me after all, I like mirrors hehe

[penelope]

uhmmmm.  If my b/f said this I'd immediately think:  this has something to do with your mother & father I bet?

Anyway, I think if you asked 20 shrinks you'd get 20 different answers why one might have this fantasy.  Ditto if you asked 20 different men who have had this fantasy, maybe?

In other words, fantasies are about us, not the other person doncha think?

My b/f and I did have the discussion about M.  He hates it when I do that without him.  So I don't (anymore).  Even though I kind of enjoyed it.  It's cool though, our relationship is important enough that this kind of thing can be discussed and negotiated, I believe.

p bean

[Certain Hope]

Dear Pb,

 It's cool though, our relationship is important enough that this kind of thing can be discussed and negotiated, I believe.

I think it's very cool! That's how it is with my husband and me, and it's a first in my life... to be able to discuss anything without fear of being held in contempt. We both still tend to get a bit defensive at times, but with practice and the genuine friendship which underlies our marriage, we've been able to overcome the defenses and work through far more than I ever dreamed possible.

Thanks for reminding me of this very positive aspect of our relationship! 

Love,
Hope

[gratitude28]

OK, Gotta get this out today...
My son goes to the orthodontist once a month or so.
HE IS SO HOT.
Women with deployed spouses should not be forced to take their kids to him...
I am the pickiest person when it comes to guys, but boy is he something.
Fantasy... yes
Fulfill it???? Nah... but I am in write's daydream mode, I have to admit.

[Brigid]

adrift,
I'm just going to make a quick reply here.  Men like the visual part of sex.  They like to watch it.  It is why men are much more attracted to pornography than women.  We mostly use our minds, they mostly use their eyes.  It is what turns them on.  This would not be an unusual fantasy for a man AT ALL.  If he wants you to follow through on it--then that's a different story, but fantasizing about it is no big deal, imo.

I agree with 2bb, try putting some mirrors around the room.  That may give him a whole new fantasy to actually be able to follow through on.

Brigid

[ANewSheriff]

adrift,

I think many people have this fantasy.  I guess if it was purely a fantasy, I would probably not be alarmed.  If, however, this crossed that line I would be seeing some red flags. 

ANS

[Hopalong]

I
hate
the
porn
industry
with
a
profound
passion

broken
children
devalued
persons

we (culture)
are
numb

let
men
watch
joyful
powerful
healthy
women

DANCE