Lesson Accepted (Probably not learned)

[gratitude28]

A while back I posted a pity-party letter about how I was envious of a girl here who was a diver and doing some fabulous photography. I also said I had met her husband and he seemed snobby and I felt snubbed by him, yada, yada, yada

So yesterday, said husband comes into the office... kind and pleased I mentioned his wife's art and telling me all about their diving and his home (he is foreign).

Honestly, I think I looked at him and though he was good-looking and a tough Marine and assumed (assuming makes an ass of you and me) that he would think I was a loser.

No self esteem and yet thinking the world revolves around poor little me.

Just wanted to share this. Enjoy

[Certain Hope]

Ahhhh.... been there, done this.... slow to learn, but working on it! (((((Beth))))) your honesty is so refreshing. Thanks for the fresh air!!

Love, Hope

P.S.  I do always try to remember that if somebody seems to be indifferent, uppity, sour, or whatever toward me, it could simply be that he/she is having a bad day!

[Gaining Strength]

Gratitude

Look at you - You caught on so quickly.  That's a star in your cap!!!  I hope you are proud of yourself for catching your attitude so quickly.  That is great stuff.

I love focusing on the good. - your friend GS

[WRITE]

assumed (assuming makes an ass of you and me)

 

[Portia]

So Beth, he was pleased you were interested in them....and presumably he asked you about your day too???????????? or did he???? I am curious! Maybe that's inferred in your post and I can't see it. Quite possible....

[gratitude28]

You are amazing Portia...

No, he didn't really ask about me, but he did talk to me as an equal and shared some diving spots with me. However, your point is right, I put out the effort to be nice, as I always do...

In fact, I was talking to a friend here this weekend. She wants me to do a book group with her. I told her I do not want to. I know myself, I will go all out to ask people all about themselves and bend myself over backwards to be entertaining and interested in their lives. It is so much effort! Especially when I don't really care for most of them.

You know, this made me think farther... Truly, I get very uncomfortable if someone does ask me about me. I have good friends who point out that we have travelled a lot or things like that. I get very flustered/upset. Also, I will tell people I do art, but if they say it is good or ask why I don't sell it or anything, I say thanks, but inside I am terribly anxious.

I'll have to think about all of this some more.

Do any of you do this???????
Help!

Love, Beth

[WRITE]

I will tell people I do art, but if they say it is good or ask why I don't sell it or anything, I say thanks, but inside I am terribly anxious.

maybe you just haven't found your level and so you don't have the right thoughts/ emotional vocabulary in place for this yet?

When I first decided to become a writer anyone I told asked questions like 'how many books have you published' and 'are you famous?' which intimidated me and put me off telling anyone. I felt like I was being a fraud. But really I was still developing a model of an unconventional career. Plus people also feel compelled to critique creative work in a way which can be offensive in the presence of the artist! I kept thinkign if this is how people who know and care about me react, what are strangers and more talented people going to say? But since then I have discovered friends and family are the last people to show!

Now I still feel a bit anxious sometimes but everything has blossomed so much and I've had some positive feedback ( I really am trying to be more selective about who I share my ambitions and acheivements with ) and I feel more like I know where I'm going with it and how to talk about it.

And Maya Angelou said once that although she's published eight successful books she's still expecting someone to catch her out as not a real writer...so maybe some of it never goes away even when you're renowned and very experienced ( and maybe that's what keeps her feet on the ground too )

[gratitude28]

Hey write,
Thanks for those words... they are helping to solidify some thoughts I have. The truth is... it is not about my art per se (that is always a changing thing for me. Sometimes I love it, sometimes I am embarrassed by it... sometimes I realize other people can't do what I do... sometimes I think, so what, it's all been done before...).
I actually respond that way to everything. I have learned to take a compliment graciously, but any kind of compliment scares me. It is a weird thought... how could it scare me? It's like spooking an animal or something. Sometimes I even believe what people tell me, but all the same I want to hide and change the subject back to them or a neutral area.
Thanks for helping my clarify this.
Love, Beth

ps... Is it hard to write... to get your words out and see them, or do they just come out???

[WRITE]

Sometimes I love it, sometimes I am embarrassed by it... sometimes I realize other people can't do what I do... sometimes I think, so what, it's all been done before...

I think this is a pretty typical mix for a creative person.

Ernest Hemingway said of writing you need to have 'an infallible bullsh*t detector' and I think it's the wobble that keeps creative people balanced.

It's funny, a friend sent me a video she had made of a talking penis ( don't ask ) recently, she was convinced it was wonderful, and I am sure the original poem was funny. But there is only so much you can spin out a rude graphic image, and I did wonder why she was so confident about it when it was clearly not working as comedy. Usually i love her work, but she wasn' being discerning or objective about that one.

any kind of compliment scares me. It is a weird thought... how could it scare me...I want to hide and change the subject back to them or a neutral area.

looks like something you need to explore?

I think a lot of creative people become afraid of their creative 'power' though, it is incredible to be able to do stuff other people can't, very frightening.

We are used to the concept 'gifted' and 'talented' but  beg the internal questions 'who gave me the gift and what for' and 'why am I different'? etc

In my upbringing to be different was bad bad bad.

My son is gifted and we haven't had any issues about letting him just develop and find his level, but I remember embarassing my parents with my precocious conversation and talents.

This is all my story though- you'll have to delve deeper into yourself to work out what made you anxious about being talented.

Is it hard to write... to get your words out and see them, or do they just come out???

I personally write not because I can but because I must!
The words spill everywhere. Even if I'm not working on something I correspond and contribute to discussion groups etc. I often respond in poetry to friends, and I love making people laugh.

Is your painting like that? You can't stop?

By the way, have you ever seen any of the work of Ginny Stanford? She did a painting of Hilary Clinton earlier this year http://www.stephendcrouch.com/ginny_crouch_stanford.htm
Here is her essay on the suicide of her husband http://www.alsopreview.com/thecollections/stanford/Essays/gsdeath.html one of her paintings is at the bottom, a kimono scarecrow.