help how do you walk a way from a 14 yr old N

[mstresmissy]

 i am a mother of a 14 yr old boy who has been evaluated and has never been given a  diagnosis but they continue to call him a N.  and belive me he has all the charactoristics.  i have read and read.  listened to others say how you just leave them and walk away well my N is 14 yrs old how do i  walk away and stop the hurt.  i am still responsible for him.  legally. Which by the way is getting very expensive and he doesnt even say thank you mom.  

please help i cant take it anymore.

[Anonymous]

Hello M,

Welcome to the board.  It sounds like a heart-breaking situation you are in.  Perhaps you can give us more information so we can be helpful.

You write:

who has been evaluated and has never been given a diagnosis but they continue to call him a N.

Who are "they"?  Why do they call him an N without diagnosis?  Or perhaps this IS the diagnosis??

I believe that many of us here would be reluctant to encourage a mother to leave her teenage son.  As you courageously admit, he is your responsibility.  Perhaps there is counseling or parenting seminars available for you, so you can find ways to help cope while you raise him to adulthood.  Setting some goals and finding new ways to communicate might help you feel effective and empower you.  

It does sound as though you need assistance where you are.  Hope this is a little bit helpful.  Seeker

[pp]

delete

[rosencrantz]

Children are naturally narcissistic - teenagers even more so - it comes with the territory.  The more he fights, the more he wants you to accept him just the way he is.  And once you accept him, love him through the storm, he'll calm down and start to become human again.  Hey, the guy's got hormones and he doesn't know what they're doing!

Read some books about raising boys - Steve Biddulph is great.  Check out some websites eg http://www.manhood.com.au/ and http://www.menweb.org/boys.htm.

I recently rad the Dave Peltzer books which gave me some insight into what goes on in boys minds and how they can come out OK if you just have faith in them.  There's a book called 'When good kids do bad things' which is useful.

In the meantime you need to work on yourself, too.  Define your boundaries - decide what you'll accept and what you won't accept and be clear about it.  (Kids need to be trained to say 'thank you, mom' - it doesn't come without consistent work on picking them up on it when they don't!)

But you'll only get the message across to him if you really and truly believe in those boundaries yourself.  This is a tough one : are you mouse or mother??  I've been there - and it's not easy.  But stand firm and honour yourself - whilst also honouring him  - consistently - and you'll succeed. (Parenting classes are good for the support to be consistent and not despair in the short term!)

But accepting him wholeheartedly comes first.

It works, I promise you!
R

[Discounted Girl]

I raised 2 boys, and from ages about 12 to 21 or so they are more animal than human  
Don't send him away, don't give up on him, please don't ... talk to him, over & over & over & over, show him the way -- break his bad habits -- that's all NPD is living a horrible bad habit and by the time you are an adult, it's unlikely the habit will ever be broken. I truly believe it's a bad habit lived out by people of low character. But, at 14 yr old -- there's hope. If you have read the postings on here, you know how N's act and treat those close to them. If you are sure that is what he is doing, steer him in the opposite direction. Be very clear, lay it out, don't wimp out ... he needs you. Anyone can parent a baby, but it takes deep down gusto to parent teenagers -- been there, done that. Mine turned out super, both have degrees and great jobs, they never did drugs or had trouble with the law, etc., but they gave me a run for my money. My oldest son told me that I have a "killer's instinct when it comes to raising kids." I guess that's because I had such a horrible example in my mother. If you are not prepared to hang in there for your boy for the full count, you should not have had him. You are the parent, don't flip it around. Take charge of your own home -- and at 14 yr old, you don't have much time left to get this done. Sorry to be blunt, but time is short, don't wait. Others will probably disagree with me, but having been eaten alive all my life, I think I know what an N parent is, but I don't know about N children. You must stiffen that spine and take care of business -- if after you have exhausted all your resources he still turns out to be on the dark side, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. We must preserve our integrity and stand in the light. If we lose that, then nothing else much matters.