Things we need to hear?!

[WRITE]

I said something before about becoming more aware of what jumps out at me and makes me want to close the book and look no further, then I couldn't think of a recent example.

But this, written by Plucky on my 'feeling vulnerable' thread is an example:

Hello Write,
you saw your ex seeming to move on, and even though you know intellectually it is the ight thing, emotions take a while to catch up with that.

You also made a mature decision to postpone romantic involvement until you are more ready for a real relationship.

The first time I read it I got that little internal reaction, not exactly defensiveness, but a sort of 'don't show me any more'!

Of course when I realised and went back- this is exactly what I need to be telling myself right now.

[Plucky]

Hi there Write,
I'm sorry it was too direct/raw/upfront/out there!
And I'm glad it was eventually useful.
Thank you for pointing out how this made you feel.  I need to think about that more as I post, speak, etc.
Plucky

[Certain Hope]

((((((((Write))))))))   I know what you mean. You've been saying these things yourself, but they hadn't quite hit your heart yet. When the words are in black and white before you, it's like a punch in the stomach. I wish there were a pain-free way, but I sure don't know of any. There's no gentle path around some mountains... the only option is to trudge on through and over top.

Love,
Hope

[WRITE]

Nothing wrong with how you post Plucky, it's just I am feeling a bit braver about facing things this week- I would simply have skimmed and ignored it otherwise, I know me!

It's a technique I am finding increasingly useful though, when something jumps out at me and I try to avoid it, I do it fairly frequently and I know it makes me a bit fearful subconsciously.

they hadn't quite hit your heart yet

good way to put it.

My heart's taking a fair old pounding this past week or two, but it's great to know I can 'sit with my emotions' this is the first time in my life I've really been able to do that.

trudge on through and over top.

you know those bits in The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings where they are underground and it's all scary and any light dazzles and blinds them...well that's how I feel!

I'm going to focus on physical health this week, got my sleep pattern back again with meds, now I'll try without, and I'll go back on my diet and keep walking and swimming daily.

It's really weird how I have to remind myself stuff like eating properly and getting enough sleep, I'm like a baby at taking care of myself, my son has more common sense than me...

[Certain Hope]

Dear Write,

  My avoidance always encourages me to skim and ignore, too. I have been slapping it silly for some time now and it does get easier.
I can see that there've been many mini-shut-downs in my life which have slowed down my growth and I am just so sick and tired of that routine... tired of stagnating, or worse, slipping backward.

Hugs for your heart. I know it must be feeling quite bruised.

it's great to know I can 'sit with my emotions' this is the first time in my life I've really been able to do that

Me, too. Those emotions are losing their life-threatening, overwhelming power in the process.

you know those bits in The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings where they are underground and it's all scary and any light dazzles and blinds them...well that's how I feel!

Here ya go >>>>           I have a matching pair!

It's really weird how I have to remind myself stuff like eating properly and getting enough sleep, I'm like a baby at taking care of myself, my son has more common sense than me...

Me, too, again. Taking care of others comes so naturally. Learning to apply that same gracious kindness toward myself has seemed so... selfish! For years, I've barely even recognized the sensation of hunger in myself until it got to the extreme. It's like when the electricity  goes out and the emergency generator kicks in... only the absolutely essential functions receive power. Shades of survival mode, I guess. Disconnected, short-circuited, need fresh batteries (as my son used to say about anything that refused to work right).

I think perhaps I've found the idea of caring for myself repulsive because it's like admitting that no one else ever has or will, and that seems just too sad. It's appeared easier to refuse to recognize needs than to identify them and plan, alone, to see them met.
I ask heavenly Father to help me with this, alot, otherwise I think I would have simply faded away by now, because my internal parent is simply too critical to be allowed to remind me of anything, so I need an Advisor from without, not within.

Much love, Write. Nothing wrong with beginning again at the beginning. Breakfast sounds like an excellent plan at the moment!

Hope

[WRITE]

wow, so much in here. Thank you.

mini-shut-downs

yup

feeling quite bruised.

yup

only the absolutely essential functions receive power. Shades of survival mode, I guess. Disconnected, short-circuited

yup

Nothing wrong with beginning again at the beginning. Breakfast sounds like an excellent plan at the moment!

it's something I've really struggled to shake from my background/ family. You were never allowed to begin again! ( don't know if Portia felt this too??? )
It was like: you did it or said it, you should carry shame for it.
'You should be ashamed...' was a phrase we heard all the time. I don't think I or my ex have ever used it once with our son, but it was what we were expected to internalise.

Thanks for the  Now I want one of those light sticks the wizard carries. And a cape- a really fancy one. And a pointy hat...

I ask heavenly Father to help me with this, alot, otherwise I think I would have simply faded away by now, because my internal parent is simply too critical to be allowed to remind me of anything, so I need an Advisor from without, not within.

me too. But 'father' has never been such a good metaphor for me, so I gave myself permission to drop it, and immediately felt closer to G_d!

[Brigid]

Oh Hope,

I think perhaps I've found the idea of caring for myself repulsive because it's like admitting that no one else ever has or will, and that seems just too sad. It's appeared easier to refuse to recognize needs than to identify them and plan, alone, to see them met.

This was a stab in the heart.     I totally understand this, as much as I wish I didn't.

((((((((Hope)))))))))))

Write,

It was like: you did it or said it, you should carry shame for it.

This is a terrible legacy for a child.  Like you, I have never said this to my children as I know the damage it did to me.

((((((((Write))))))))))))

Love,

Brigid

[Gaining Strength]

Quote
I think perhaps I've found the idea of caring for myself repulsive because it's like admitting that no one else ever has or will, and that seems just too sad. It's appeared easier to refuse to recognize needs than to identify them and plan, alone, to see them met.

This was a stab in the heart.     I totally understand this, as much as I wish I didn't.

I am so helpless, waiting to be rescued.  I either have to be rescued, be strong or die.  I don’t want to be strong – I want to be in relationship.  Oh – I had better be strong to be in strong relationship.  I think I can do this.  As I get strong on my own I will have a stronger relationship, stronger friendships, stronger family, stronger romantic relationship.  OK.  I don’t have to be weak and rescued in order to be in relationship.  That was just true in my childhood FOO.  That was an adaptive tactic that has long outlived its usefulness. 

Being strong seems so lonely – but it’s not – it leads to strong relationship.  That’s a new affirmation for  me.  I may paint it over my door.

Got to go - I'm getting stronger and have work to do.  "Being strong leads to strong relationships."  I think I can do this. - Gaining Strength

[Plucky]

I don’t have to be weak and rescued in order to be in relationship.

GS,
This is a good thought.  But also, how about 'I don't have to be in a relationship'?

When you feel weak, you may feel that you need a relationship to shore you up.  Once you are strong, maybe the need for a relationship will subside, since you can stand on your own, if you want to.  ?

Plucky

[Gaining Strength]

That's a thought Plucky. 

I have become so isolated - no friendships, no work relationships, no volunteer relationships, no romantic relationships, no parent, sibling, aunt, cousin relationships.
I was really thinking of relationships in general, in every form.  I just got out of all of them and that's not good over the long haul.  It was good for a while but over time it is too, too lonely.

Thanks - GS

[Brigid]

GS,
Did you give up all these relationships because they were unhealthy for you or because you didn't have the strength to maintain them?  Are there any that were good that you could perhaps resurrect?  Good friends do understand going through a difficult period and will generally welcome you back when you can find your way back. 

Otherwise, can you find a support group to work with, which could establish some new relationships for you with people who are struggling with similar pain?  As you gain your strength, you will probably feel less vulnerable about entering new relationships and developing intimacy with others (friends as well as lovers).  From what I've read from you, you are on a great path and new relationships will be the next step, but you must make yourself available and open to that. 

((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))

Brigid

[WRITE]

I don’t have to be weak and rescued in order to be in relationship.

No you don't, and it works the other way- I don't have to be 'useful' to have a relationship: I can just be in one!

That's proving a new challenge...

also, how about 'I don't have to be in a relationship'?

this is the first time for me I have stood alone, and kept it up without hurtling myself into a destructive relationship to escape from my ambivalence or agitation.

I'm having some pretty bad days, but also some very good days- and more and more just days...

can you find a support group to work with, which could establish some new relationships for you with people who are struggling with similar pain? 

and you have us here in cyber-space too! ((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Plucky]

Hi GS,
I assumed only romantic relationships.  So ignore that- friendships and the like are very important at all times.  But it is still best to be strong (not stoic), or at one's best to form a good attachment.
Plucky

[Gaining Strength]

Brigid, WRITE, Plucky

Did you give up all these relationships

No - most gave me up as a result of the difficult times

From what I've read from you, you are on a great path and new relationships will be the next step, but you must make yourself available and open to that. 

  Thanks - I think I am on the right path - in no small part thanks to the people here.

this is the first time for me I have stood alone, and kept it up without hurtling myself into a destructive relationship to escape from my ambivalence or agitation.

  Way to GO!  Doesn't sound like fun but it does sound like an excellent foundation for a better tomorrow.

you have us here in cyber-space too! ((((((((((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

That is no small thing.  I wrote somewhere last week that for the first time in years when I was out and about and something smalll happened, I felt like I had someone I could tell, I felt like I had a "family" that would understand my feeling and my reaction and would understand me.  That feeling was unbelievably wonderful.  Suddenly, I knew what it was like to have people in my corner.  And that was what life is all about.

friendships and the like are very important at all times.  But it is still best to be strong (not stoic), or at one's best to form a good attachment.

Yes, yes.  I am remembering how to have friends.  This place is indescribably wonderful.

Your friend - Gaining Strength

[gratitude28]

GS,
When I got sober, I checked out from everything for a while. I think I needed to sort things out. I quit my job, stayed home with my daughter, who was little, and just existed for a while. All I did was exist. I could hardly bear to have anything that I needed to do, be it pay a bill, go to the grocery store or get the mail. I didn't have relationships. I was still married, but it was a time for us to restructure. I had a lot of forgiving to do (to myself and otehrs) and a lot of deciding (what was important... who would I be?)
My point is... maybe you need this time now. It's ok. It's not happy or fun. But it is a stepping stone. You are sorting things out here. Look at how much you have gotten out and mulled over.
I have to say, my life is back to too busy now. I have a lot of wonderful people in my life (including the people here). I can make appointments again and not freak out about having to meet them.
Does this sound right????? Am I missing your point???
Love, Beth