dont know if i belong here

[shock523]

hi,am unsure if this is what my problem is or not.its about my husband[but he says its me].he seems to be ok after a blowout which usually involves yelling [although he's not],calling us names [which arent wrong because they're true],sometimes throwing things & smashing things,& generally saying things that are so cruel it defies belief[this is our fault].
after this he will be fine for a few days until you feel the next one coming on & i know things are going to blow.he usually starts this by trying to 'discuss' something he feels i am 'wrong'  about.i am allowed my own opinions as long as they're the same as his.i apparently am the one who wants to fight because of a look i give.i come across as aggressive ,or i am illogical.it is all my fault & he cannot understand why i want to fight so much.this is a drop in the oceon of what goes on in this house .
altho he has only hit me once years ago i feel at times as if he is so unpredictable at times i wonder what he is really capable of.sometimes i hope he kills me to get it over with & i feel i dont care.other times i feel fearful & wonder if he is going to hurt me somehow by hitting me with my back turned so i cant protect myself.[my mother was dangerous like this]
please help me

[WRITE]

i apparently am the one who wants to fight because of a look i give.i come across as aggressive ,or i am illogical.it is all my fault & he cannot understand why i want to fight so much.this is a drop in the oceon of what goes on in this house .

Welcome!

Check out Patricia Evans 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship'

http://www.pinn.net/~sunshine/book-sum/v_abuse.html

No, it's not you. Your husband is being abusive when he shouts, name-calls, throws things.

he has only hit me once years ago

I am so sorry. My husband hit me too and I never trusted him fully again- it was like once he did that I never could and if he got angry even in a healthy way I was afraid. That's what hitting does- destroy sense of safety and trust.

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[Hopalong]

((((((((((((((Shock)))))))))))))))))

You are truly being abused, I'm so glad you're here and you're naming it.

Please keep telling your story--we'll be with you.

Hopalong

[Certain Hope]

Dear Shock,

  You may find this little book helpful:

Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them: Breaking the Cycle of Physical and Emotional Abuse ~ by Paul Hegstrom

   Your husband is directing his anger at you... and at your children? He likely has no idea why he is even angry. My childrens' dad behaved this way and he is not NPD, yet he was quite out of control and abusive.

   Do you have a safe place to go, Shock? The first and most practical thing to do = get phone numbers of local womens' shelters and make sure you know exactly how to get there, if necessary.

Big hugs to you.

Hope

[penelope]

hi shock,

We cannot make other people angry.  Anger is a feeling that develops based on someone's past and certain emotional triggers.  It is time for your husband to own his own anger.  He must recognize the triggers and work to understand, you cannot do it for him.

I spent many many years being angry and didn't know why.  Only through therapy have I begun to understand the source of all that anger and hurt feelings (mostly my parents).

hugs shock.  You need to take care of yourself, not your husband.  Can you do this?  Have you sought therapy yourself?  They will teach you how to be strong for yourself and how to heal yourself.  But please recognize that as you get stronger and less codependent, your husband may be worse.

We are here and listening.  This board is a good support group.  But like any support group, we cannot tell you what to do, we can only suggest and listen.  The answer is lying within you.

hugs,
p  bean

[gratitude28]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((shock)))))))))))))))))))))))

You need to take care of yourself and protect yourself. And it is vital that you protect your children as well. I know you don't feel strong now, but you need to gather your strength and plan to get away. Your instincts must be trusted, and if you feel he will escalate, I fully believe he will. Only once you get away can you work throught hte rest of the issues (it IS NOT in any way your fault). Please make plans immediately to change your situation. Do you have a friend or relative you can trust? Is there a women's shelter?

I wish you love and safety.
Beth