Author Topic: Classic N-Mom Moment  (Read 4328 times)

Stormchild

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #15 on: November 14, 2006, 09:58:39 PM »
Thanks Write...

yeah... it is hard. at the moment, in realspace, i'm not exactly up to my neck in kind folks, though, and that makes it even harder to know when to... unclench.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

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gratitude28

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #16 on: November 14, 2006, 10:05:40 PM »
Oh, please don't mention driving in Italy... I amde it through three years without an accident. I deserve anaward and a lifetime supply of valium!!!
Why did you think someone would be following you, storm?
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Stormchild

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #17 on: November 14, 2006, 10:24:57 PM »
It happens all the time, beth. Where I live now, they caught a murderer who worked by pulling up behind women who were traveling alone, flashing his headlights to get their attention, and pointing at their car as if there was something wrong with it. If they believed him and pulled off, he'd offer to take them to a service station... and that was it.

He was caught only a couple of years ago.

I drove the exact same corridor where he found his victims as part of my business travel, and both here and on I-95 I had occasions when a man, or men, would pull up behind me and flash their lights and pull alongside and point at my car... fortunately I know enough about cars that I knew nothing was wrong with mine. But they'd sometimes stay on my tail, and I had to shake a couple of them off pretty fiercely on occasion, and once I ended up driving to a state police barracks, just to get rid of them.

To give this perspective, I was making the trip every four to six weeks for about three years, and then I was making another, longer trip twice weekly for about two years. This happened maybe four or five times in all those trips... say four times in maybe 60 trips. One fifteenth of the time!

But it was very clear to me that something not good was going on. Funny, when you are young - you just deal with these things. Thinking about it now, I'm more frightened than I ever was then.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

gratitude28

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #18 on: November 14, 2006, 10:31:15 PM »
I taught at an inner city high school in San Antonio... I think there were a lot of times I shoudl have been more frightened (like during the shootings in the parking lot and when we found a guy murdered, the escaped convicts running by). I don't think I could NOT freak out now. Also, I was not careful about the people I met... a bit naive. I would bet everything I have that this one crazy guy was a psychopath. He would call me and call me and freaked me out so bad. I lived all alone. He used anything he could to try to get me to hang out with him. Yes, there were some creepy people and I do believe you... I was just curious...
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Hopalong

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #19 on: November 14, 2006, 11:39:26 PM »
OMG, Storm. I know that area and I know that case.
I know one of the people who participated in cracking it.

I drove the same stretch weekly for a long time.

Glad you stayed safe.

Hops
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stuey

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #20 on: November 15, 2006, 05:50:52 AM »
Hi this is my first post here as I need to address my own narcissistic tendancies towards my partner and in the 5 minutes I have been reading these posts I suddenly realised exactly where my own narcissism comes from ... My Mother the narcissist from hell!

I can remember a childhood full of her disapproval and taunts of "Retard" (Despite being considered extremely intelligent for my age by a myriad of sources) but what sticks in my mind is the visit she made to my home only a few years back, one holiday visiting me and my partner, I had done the MENSA tests for a bit of fun and was taken aback when they offered me membership based on an IQ of 155, this I showed her and made a humourous comment that I wasn't that retarded after all, the look of absolute hate and thunder on her face was hilarious and whilst she dismissed the achievement with nothing more than a snort she instantly changed the subject to her new £60,000 ($113,238.90 USD) RV...

WRITE

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #21 on: November 15, 2006, 08:58:18 AM »
at the moment, in realspace, i'm not exactly up to my neck in kind folks, though, and that makes it even harder to know when to... unclench.

yes, I've been through those dry spells too, it doesn't feel reassuring does it. But you will meet more people, just keep being in places where they'll see you at your best and they get attracted in.

I was working last week and they muddled the times up so an art therapist was there and they didn't tell me but she missed her group so I could work mine. If I'd known there was no reason not to incorporate the two! But anyway I thought she was a visitor and drew her in to my group and she sang for everyone, told me afterwards for the first time in 60 years; she was full of enthusiasm and invited me to go eat lunch.

She seemed so lovely and to have overcome quite a shy nature to be so outgoing I said yes, and we had a delightful lunch and she's joining our writing group next month. So I was really glad I went even though I had a hundred things to do for the move.

But it did make me wonder- where were all these wonderful people when I was lonely and needing to feel a few connections?!

the look of absolute hate and thunder on her face was hilarious

hilarious and hurtful I am sure.

I have seen that N look of thunder- it's like a mask slips isn't it, just for a second.

I was introduced to my N friend's N mother once and she gave me such a look I was actually fearful for a moment. It was like on a horror movie when someone slips into their monster character for a couple of seconds and no one else sees it....

Welcome and well done/good luck addressing your own behaviours you don't like.

tony001

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #22 on: November 15, 2006, 12:59:24 PM »
Beth, my Mom is constantly making a big deal about nothing at all. She was having a yard sale with some of her siblings and said, "Come on and bring the kids! We're gonna be boiling peanuts, grilling hotdogs, and having a big time." I get there, there are no peanuts boiling (I think boiled peanuts is a southern thing?) and the only "grilled" hot dogs are a pack laying on the kitchen counter to microwave. This must be the grandiosity (Children of the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown) the book talks about.

Stormy- GREAT POEM! That is awesome! Can I print it and show it to some people? I would never try to publish or claim it as my own.

GAP-You're right. Just don't say anything. I read in my book that you should never give an N too much information.

Stuey-I can't believe your own mother would call you a "retard". That is simply horrible.

I keep having this funny thought running through my mind of my mom saying in the most uppity Katherine Hepburn accent "Next year I shall travel to Tibet. I shall be working with a medical team helping those poor, dear children to brush."

I dropped of my Operation Christmas Child box at the designated church. There were two busy-body looking ladies waiting to receive the boxes. They asked me to fill out a form, I noticed it had blanks for name, address, denomination, etc. I said "Why do I have to fill that out?" She said "We want to know who you are." I said "I don't want to be recognized for my good deeds. Please fill out my form for me and write ANONYMOUS"  A good deed done with a reward in mind is no good deed at all, its called a trade.

Hopalong

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #23 on: November 15, 2006, 02:31:02 PM »
Hi Tony,
I'm always mildly unnerved when someone forcefully tells me that I'm "going to have a great time."

How do they know?

I'd rather someone just told me what the elements are in a friendly way...and let me have my own experience.

My mother has a habit that is fingernails on my inner blackboard...she loves to muse aloud, presenting it as fact, what someone else feels or thinks about themselves or something else. And it's always a very very limited view.

She'll project that her hired companion "was able to go in that restaurant with me and seemed not to feel too uncomfortable". Grrrrr. This companion could wipe the floor with any snob/racist any day of the week and isn't intimadated by my mother's notions of "class". Mom: "You know, they often feel ill at ease...." (projecting inferiority into others...) grrrrrrrrrrrr

She'll say, you know, Mrs. X is such a strange person. I know that diabetics always are...strange. You know, they feel different from others and their personalitiess... "They are so...."

blahlalalalalalalalla...."THEY" is one of the red flag words for me!!!!!!!!!
They WHO?
WHICH they?
How many inidividual "YOUs" does it take to make a valid "THEY" statement??????????????
generalization upon sterotype piled upon condescencion piled upon unimaginative cluelessness piled upon social tonedeafness........................

aaarrggggh.

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

SilverLining

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #24 on: November 15, 2006, 06:02:43 PM »

GAP-You're right. Just don't say anything. I read in my book that you should never give an N too much information.



I think that's a good approach.  And then it's a matter of figuring out other places to have real reciprocal interactions.   

For me, it seems my relationship with the FOO has lightened up since I pretty much gave up having any expectations.   They still do pretty much the same things, but it doesn't bother me as much. 

Oh and BTW boiled peanuts is a Southern thing, but you can buy raw unshelled peanuts at Walmart and make your own.  They are great :) 

gratitude28

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #25 on: November 15, 2006, 09:20:41 PM »
hops,
Why are you hanging out with my mom when you have you r own???????
Ugh - THEY is one of those words for me... especially when you pair it with "always" or "never".

I love boiled peanuts!!!! Especially the ones in brine!!!

You know, Tony, my mother does the same thing... my whole childhood was promises, promises... and now she does it with the kids. None of it ever materializes. And you are supposed to be sooooo excited by whatever she does pull out of her ass.

Man, I am grumpy today. Sorry for the negative tone...

Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Hopalong

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #26 on: November 15, 2006, 10:00:40 PM »
Those narcissists, they always...

 :lol:

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Stormchild

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #27 on: November 15, 2006, 11:23:24 PM »
Hi tony

Glad you liked the poem. It's actually up on a blog I started a couple of months ago but didn't do much with except to post a couple of poems... so if you want the URL, PM me and I'll be glad to send it to you.

I'm going to be updating that blog with copies of posts I've written here. Suitably edited so they don't refer to people or events here, of course.

Time to branch out, I think.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

Stormchild

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #28 on: November 16, 2006, 07:23:55 AM »
Hi jac

That business of repeating your own words back to you is a standard abuser trick. If they're positive words, it's a way of making sure you don't get credit for your own thoughts and helpfulness.

Example: all the meetings I've been in where the men ignored every constructive comment I made, until one of them repeated it back verbatim, whereupon it was acknowledged and discussed further. [No, I did NOT let this go by without pointing it out.]

If they're negative words, it's vindictive - anything you say that stings them, they'll save up and spit back at you, the first chance they get.

Example: I got truly fed up with my mother's shenanigans one day. She was fixated on something extremely trivial that one of the neighbors had said, and couldn't seem to get her mind on to anything else. I suggested that she  talk with her psychiatrist about her meds, because she seemed to be having breakthrough symptoms. [Incidentally, she knew perfectly well that obsessive rumination was a major danger signal for her.]

A few weeks later, I came down with bronchitis, and was on an antibiotic for a couple of weeks. I mentioned this, was still coughing, and she turned around and spat at me that I ought to talk with my doctor about my meds, because I seemed to be having breakthrough symptoms. Word for word. With an absolutely venomous look of satisfaction on her face.

This is really interesting, because it disproves any claim they make to having a faulty memory. What abusers have is a selective memory. They turn it on and off like a faucet tap. I think it comes as a standard option with the denial package and the viciousness upgrade.

The other thing I've noticed is that they always have to have the LAST word. They'll fall all over themselves to get it, it's like people who cut you off and nearly cause an accident, just to be first at the stoplight.

If you are feeling wicked, and unlikely to experience significant damage from one of these folks, it's mildly amusing to keep adding a comment to the conversation, and watch them frantically 'topping' you. Until you realize how sick and sad a waste of human potential the whole thing is. Then it stops being funny.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

tony001

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Re: Classic N-Mom Moment
« Reply #29 on: November 16, 2006, 08:22:51 AM »
I hate the "THEY" word to. It reminds me of a quote:

"To generalize is to be an idiot." - William Blake