More on shame

[Hopalong]

Hi GS,
I think what you're doing here is magnificent. You're maximizing the potential of this place for healing, you really are. It's wonderful.

I need to unearth and expose part of my shame in huge amounts and I really need some validation when I do.

 

Is it possible for you to attend some sort of weekend workshop for women who need emotional healing and support?

I ask because you said

I cannot imagine a better means to do this than this online forum.

I agree! But while this board is the perfect healing place for you now...don't sell short the world of real people. MountainSpring, here, knows of a very safe and involving women's workshop community kinda thing...that's just one example.

I'm so glad you're doing what you're doing here...(and I don't presume to think I know when would be the right time for you to also--not instead of---reach out in real life again, and not be crushed).

Just thoughts, no alarms.
love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hops- 

Is it possible for you to attend some sort of weekend workshop for women who need emotional healing and support?

What a great idea.  I would love that. How do I find that kind of workshop?  - GS

[Hopalong]

I think you could call a Women's Center in your community.
If you live in a city, most universities have them.
Ask them for any recommendations.

Hmmm...other folks here may have good ideas.
Many counselors in my community advertise weekend workshops of various sorts.
For couples, for women, etc.

Sometimes there could be a Dreamwork retreat or something like that
you could try, perhaps as a way of networking to just the right thing.

I do think a good women's center could lead you to some sort of 3-D
kind of support group where your parallel healing could make what's
happening for you here become more rooted, more...possible, less theoretical.

Hope that makes sense, I'm fading.

Uggh. Monday looms.

nighty night,
Hops

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Gaining Strength)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

You are more helpful than I think you realize. Your determination to dig through all of this shame and unload the burden is inspirational in and of itself. The fact that what I'm reading you say is finally sinking in to shed light on my own internal mess is beyond amazing to me. You see, I'd been reading in order to understand you... and in doing that, I'm beginning to understand myself.
I think that's just the way it's supposed to be, only so very rare... and what a blessing! You, that is... are a blessing.

Love,
Hope

[gratitude28]

I think shame is a good thing. Without it, there would be no checks and balances in life. I carry some deep shame from various times in my life and it surfaces occasionally - I consider it a reminder. I don't suffer shame now... the instances would be very rare.  I try very hard to live my life in a way that is honest and good (for me and my family).

Funny,
I don't think my mother has ever experienced shame... even with her house a filty pen, people asking her why in the world she buys so many things, some sexual activities I know she took part in, etc. She has NEVER been embarrassed of herself.  My father seems to always be embarrassed for her... and his shame of her and his life turns to bitterness, hate and anger toward the rest of the world.

Thanks for the topic. I needed to get some of that out...

Love, Beth

[moonlight52]

people need to be encouraged thats all .....................


m

[Gaining Strength]

Wow - Certain Hope

You are more helpful than I think you realize. Your determination to dig through all of this shame and unload the burden is inspirational in and of itself. The fact that what I'm reading you say is finally sinking in to shed light on my own internal mess is beyond amazing to me. You see, I'd been reading in order to understand you... and in doing that, I'm beginning to understand myself.

What a gift!  Thank you - what a healing gift of encouragement!  Thank you.  GS

[Certain Hope]

Hi GS,

  Back again here with another excerpt re: this business of shame. I hope it helps to round out the picture and provide another perspective un the un-mucking process!

This is from http://www.angriesout.com/grown18.htm

I know you're in the midst of alot of family business with the passing of your aunt. Just want you to know that, as always, you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Hope


The Paradox of Guilt and Shame

Typically the human response to guilt and shame is to increase the energy around these behaviors by resisting them and judging our self to be bad. Giving energy to shame makes it persist. The result is that the negative feelings do not dissipate but remain stored away in the body until we find a way to forgive our self.

We all have bits of behavior that are dark. That doesn't mean that we are evil or bad, but that we merely are human. One purpose of the negative emotions is to help us look at some aspect of ourselves that is incongruent with our deepest values and understanding of what it means to be human. Symptoms such as guilt, shame and resulting anger are merely the indicator lights of your body that something needs an adjustment. Negative symptoms show you where your life is out of balance. They give you a place to start doing some detective work on yourself.

Taking responsibility for your misbehavior and saying, "I am sorry" to the person you have hurt is the process of making amends and release guilt. Or you can write a letter of apology. Making an apology is a necessary step in releasing guilt for past and current misbehavior.

The pain that underlies the guilt and shame comes from belief that the event was harmful to the person. The person has the belief of "I am not safe. I can be hurt because I am bad. My physical body, my self esteem, my property or my values can be damaged." While it is true that your body, reputation and property can be hurt, the core essence of you cannot be destroyed. The negative feelings of being harmed and that you survived the traumatic experience. Beliefs about not being safe and beliefs about yourself as being unworthy can be changed, no matter what has happened to you.

Shame and guilt cause a deep breach or separation from the real self. The paradox of the emotions of guilt and shame is that these two base emotions keep the person from knowing that he is love and yet the solution to release them is to know that "I am love." Forgiveness and the firm resolution to stop harmful behavior is the answer to releasing guilt and shame.

Shame Shapes Negative Symptoms But It is also the Way Home

One purpose of the negative emotion is to help us look at those aspects of our self that are incongruent with our deepest values and understand of what it means to be human from a soul level. The anxiety around the painful past can be touched into and moved through.

The shame reduction work must be experiential; it cannot be released on an intellectual level. Laughter about one's former predicament can shift shame energies. The original feelings where shame first came up can be brought forward and examined to allow a shift. Shame can be released thorough confession and processing the original painful experiences. The repressed, uncomfortable feeling can be accessed and worked through to release the shame energies. You can get underneath the anger that hides the guilt and shame to find feelings of hurt, sadness, vulnerability and a fear of being rejected and abandoned. When these feelings are exorcised, there will be less shame.

Understand that the person who verbally, physically or sexually abused you had poor self esteem issues of their own that they were trying to throw on you. Critical parents felt bad about themselves and in their frustration in not knowing how to release shame, passed it on and projected it onto the child. You can learn to identify their shame in you and know that you do not have to hang on to it. Most good therapists know techniques to do this release work.

You can learn to detach and become an observer of your own internal states of guilt and shame. You can learn to become a detective on your own emotions and behavior to catch and break into feelings of guilt and shame. You can learn not to shut down the painful feelings or distract them with anger, but to stay present and learn from them.

Understanding how shame works helps release it. The cleaning out of the global belief of "I am bad" takes time and exploration. Mild shame might be processed and released on your own using these ideas. If you try to let it go on your own, but cannot, you will need professional help. Deep guilt and shame are best done with a therapist who understands the process of shame release and can stay present with unconditional love.

You can work through core negative beliefs such "I am a bad person. I am not safe. I will be rejected because I am unworthy. I will be abandoned." if you are willing to stop doing destructive behavior. The paradox of the base emotions of guilt and shame keep you from knowing that you are love and yet the solution to releasing these emotions is to get to the place of knowing "I am love." Feelings of vulnerability and shame can be the Soul's way of saying, "Look at this. These feelings are not who you are." Meditation and prayer help release shame, as shame is a tool of the Soul to get you to wake up.

When shame release work is combined in therapy with learning to speak up and say no, to state boundaries and to share feelings, self-esteem zooms upward. The opposite of guilt and shame is to accept yourself with all your human flaws and decide to not do any behaviors that create more disturbing emotions.

We are more than our physical body and we are more than our thoughts of shame. When you understand that what happened was merely a painful situation, which you made judgments about the unworthiness about your self, you can let the self-condemnation messages and bad feelings go. When you perceive that what happened was an opportunity for growth, then perhaps you can reframe the situation. No easy task, but there it is.

The truth is that you are a beautiful person who was shamed as a child, and your mind and body incorporated that shame. You need not let feelings of unworthiness shape your life in negative ways. You are more than your physical body. You are much, much more than your painful emotions. You are essence longing to return to your true self. Shame asks you to get to the lies underneath that you are unworthy and unlovable. Use your guilt as an opportunity to stop doing things not in accordance with your conscience. Then, having cleaned up your life, address the lies of being unworthy that shame has foisted upon you.

You can put yourself in a space of love and light and hold the bad feelings up for examination. Your Higher Power and the integrity can help give you a different understanding of the early painful experiences that caused shame. Turning the shame over to something greater than oneself, such as God, can help negate those global beliefs of unworthiness.

[Gaining Strength]

Certain Hope -
Thank you so much.  I was just writing something in response to Hopalong on N as Pathological Liar about where I am stuck and then I come here and you have provided the answer.  I have only read part of this article.  It is very heavy reading to me because it really gets at those shame places.  But this is what I got to first:

The shame reduction work must be experiential; it cannot be released on an intellectual level. Laughter about one's former predicament can shift shame energies. The original feelings where shame first came up can be brought forward and examined to allow a shift. Shame can be released thorough confession and processing the original painful experiences. The repressed, uncomfortable feeling can be accessed and worked through to release the shame energies. You can get underneath the anger that hides the guilt and shame to find feelings of hurt, sadness, vulnerability and a fear of being rejected and abandoned. When these feelings are exorcised, there will be less shame.

I've written before that in recent months I got "under" the anger.  Finally, I no longer lash out. Miraculously, that part of me has gone.  And this article helps me understand how and why I am so tired now.  The shame energy no longer is used in anger but it is tied up in feelings of hurt, sadness, vulnerability and a fear of being rejected and abandoned.  It is so strange to see yourself so clearly exposed in a piece of writing. 

Thank you so much - Gaining Strength

[gratitude28]

GS,
Did you say you go to meetings? Did you do a fifth step??? Am I talking a foreign language here?
Love, Beth

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((((GS)))))))))))) my pleasure. I figure we each keep adding a brick and pretty soon we have a really neat paved road to health.

Love,
Hope

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Hope - (((((((((((((((((Hope)))))))))))))))))))))

Gratitude - I went to Al-anon for many years but that was over 10 years ago.  I did work the steps at that time.  Do you see something that makes you think doing a fifth step would be helpful for me now?  Please feel free to say so.  Your insight could be VERY helpful to me. - thanks - GS

[gratitude28]

Yes, GS, I think a fifth step would take care of the shame you are feeling. Is there someone you trust to read/tell it to?

Please start by writing down (really) all the things you feel shameful about. Honestly, I wrote mine in another language b/c I was so scared someone would read them

Look at them and think about each one. Why did it happen? What was your part? What was due to an outside influence? Be as honest as you can be.

Then take your trustworthy partner and tell her these hurtful secrets. The ask God (or whatever your HP is) to take them and anything else you forgot to add to the list...

Go sit for a while in a pretty place and just let your mind and heart clear.

It helps so much... When you have done that... you can move along to some other things, but that will truly cleanse you.

Love, Beth

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Gratitude,

I think a 5th step can always be cleansing.  But the shame I am feeling comes not so much from anything that I have done but from the shaming done to me growing up with an NPD father and mother with N traits. Here's a quote from Certain Hope's info on shame that points to what I mean:

Critical parents felt bad about themselves and in their frustration in not knowing how to release shame, passed it on and projected it onto the child. You can learn to identify their shame in you and know that you do not have to hang on to it.

I would be humiliated for doing things that met with the standards he taught me but which for some reason conflicted with something he wanted at the moment.  I think this act of humiliating his children came from the rage and shame he had internalized.  But another thing he did was hold me responsible for other's actions - for example once in 8th grade a nice 35mm camera which he had given me, was stolen from me at school.  He held me responsible and punished me.  If my brothers tormented me about something, he would hold me responsible - on one occasion he blamed me for reacting to my brother's torment because I had stayed up late at a spend the night party.  And if I made a mistake - there was real hell to pay and no opportunity was lost to remind me of a mistake or failure.  Home should be a place where you can bring failures or mistakes and open up your wounds for examination to learn from and grow from  - but not in my home.  Home for me was a place where wounds and weaknesses were exposed and exploited.  That's where my shame comes from.  My healing will come from comfort and solace for the wounds and encouragement and support for new strategies and moving forward.  As a child, the comfort and encouragement would have come person to person, as an adult I think part of it must come on a psychological and spiritual level. 

Thanks Gratitude - Gaining Strength