Just Need Support

[Hopalong]

Dear Hope,
Thank you very much. It does feel good to have you acknowlege me...and you are very gracious to apologize, and reach out to me. Apology accepted, absolutely.

I was hurt by that one message, as I truly hadn't meant to alienate you. But you know, I did learn something important by respecting your wish not to speak to you (bit my fingers not to a couple of times!). Although I did not understand, you asked me to respect a boundary. And it was my job to do that, to watch my feelings about it come and go, and to eventually accept that...it just was the way it was. I've been in Jac's shoes at times, pursuing someone's acceptance. So I did learn that I have more ability to let things be what they are than I used to. Thanks for helping me learn that I've learned!

This is an unexpected gift. All the more valuable.
Just the other day I was feeling sad about being in the same "room" or support group with you and having the rule in place that I wasn't welcome to speak to you.

So now I will, whenever the spirit moves.
Thanks for your graciousness and courage.
And I hope you're having a wonderful Sunday.

Hops

[Certain Hope]

Thank you, Hops.

I think it's very gracious of you to even respond, let alone respond so kindly and gently. I would have understood if you didn't, but I'm very glad that you did.

I do know that you were not trying to alienate me by being direct and I see now that my response to you was inappropriate and exaggerated. I just have never known how to recognize, let alone process, my own feelings, so often I have experienced only a blurred, yet excruciating sensation of being backed into a corner with no place to hide. I've been so out of it, I  didn't even know what it was I was trying to hide, until now... thanks to Gaining Strength and her discussions of shame. All of that is just now beginning to register with me, so I have no firm grasp of it yet, except I know that I don't truly believe I'm better than anyone else. So when I sense my own pride and fear rearing up, it's got to be a cover-up for some deep-seated shame.

I'm glad you've learned something, too, and can find some signs of progress through our... non-interactions    I will welcome your responses as you see fit and do all I can to respond as a whole person, not some shadow of my self. I think that may mean asking each other plenty of questions and working a bit harder to communicate than might be required in some casual convos... but we shall see. I can't quite picture it at this point, but I do have high hopes!

Thanks for your support, too. I am not feeling courageous at all, but rather relieved. After making a bold statement about how I was here to stay, I promptly deleted my account and then felt like a miserable failure. Obviously, I have a lot to learn and plenty of areas of needed growth. Thanks for being willing to bear with me. I hope you're having a wonderful Sunday, too.

Hope

[Stormchild]

Hope, this is wonderful to see. You're setting an example I intend to follow:

Hops, I'll admit I too was a tad annoyed with you, a couple of weeks ago.

I felt at one point as though you were trying to one-up me in areas that actually lie in the realm of my professional experience, as well as my personal experience.

This annoyed me terribly... but finally I realized I was being ridiculous; I know what I know, I've saved my own life and the lives of some of my animals by knowing what I know, and I don't need to prove it to anyone anymore. So, I got over myself, and the feeling passed, and I'm glad it did.

I know that I had an 'off' tone for a few days, though. And I'd like to apologize for that. I hope you will forgive me. If you were unaware of this entirely, and now feel annoyed at ME, I will understand completely, but I still hope you can forgive me, eventually. The fault was entirely mine.

I think it would be wonderful if none of us needed to be at odds with any one person in particular, in order to feel closer to someone else, or better about ourselves. As though we must be at war with one to be good companions with another. It's so counterproductive.

Something to contemplate. Something to strive for, definitely. Cliques built on shared animosity would disintegrate overnight, and think of all the freed-up energy there would be for doing constructive stuff instead!

And I think you would make a dynamite Unitarian minister, Hops. As I said elsewhere... and I meant it.

[Certain Hope]

Hi Stormy,

Re:  So, I got over myself, and the feeling passed, and I'm glad it did.

That's it, in a nutshell, I think. Getting over our selves. I can't imagine anything more liberating or fulfilling, really.

Re:  I think it would be wonderful if none of us needed to be at odds with any one person in particular, in order to feel closer to someone else, or better about ourselves. As though we must be at war with one to be good companions with another. It's so counterproductive.

Amen. It's not only counterproductive, it's childish, I think, and absolutely wrong. God help me to never participate in another instance of clique-ing.


Hops,

I think you would make a dynamite Christian 

Hope

[Stormchild]

Well... now we need a thread on humility.

I'm not being sarcastic. I really mean it... and I've started several threads lately so I don't think it'd be right for me to take the lead on this one.

Not to mention, I probably have less relevant experience than anyone else on the board

[Certain Hope]

(((((Stormy)))))  Starting a thread doesn't really mean taking the lead, does it? Sounds more like taking the initiative to me. Initiative is a wonderful quality and not a bit prideful. Anyhow, whatever you decide... this is one Bible verse which always comes to mind at times when I really want to dig my heels in and wallow in my own stubborn-ness:

Proverbs 13:10   Only by pride cometh contention: but with the well advised is wisdom.

Hope

[Hopalong]

 
Wow. Stormy, you sure hid it well.
I bet I was blatting on about some health-related thing. Didn't realize I was sounding so cocky though, sorry. With a few subjects excepted, overall I know a little bit about a lot of topics.

I promise you--I know even more about annoying myself, and I do!
Thanks for sheltering me from your irritation (which I'm sure was well deserved). 

Hope,
I'm sorry I scared you with my question...
please don't worry if the answer why doesn't leap to the surface instantly, I'll abide.
(And thanks for saying I'd make a good Christian. I'm touched by that.)

(((Stormy and Hope))) I'm glad we don't do cliques.

Hops

[Certain Hope]

Thanks, ((((((((Hops)))))))))

Just so I don't waltz off into the sunset having missed something, is there another question on the table?

I'm sorry I scared you with my question...
please don't worry if the answer why doesn't leap to the surface instantly, I'll abide.

Shining the light into all these dark spots seems to be working wonders for evaporating the old fears 

Hope

[Hopalong]

No...not a new one.
Just that past one that scared you so.

All is well...

Hops

[Certain Hope]

ok Hops, just checking so as not to assume   .... thanks 

Hope

[Hopalong]

No problem...
I don't want to press you on figuring out what was happening for you, since it's not my place and you said it's still kind of a scary, murky thing.

But I'll be glad to listen, anytime you find something you'd like to share.
(I just realize something was hurt in you, and I don't want to unwittingly poke a bruise.)

Take whatever time and space feels right for you.
(I'll be here!)

Sweet dreams to you, Hope--

Hops

[Certain Hope]

Lol...

Ok, Hops, I am confused. Genuinely. So there is a question? I don't feel pressed. So are we back to the same question you asked before to which I responded that I felt pushed, is that it? I must not have all brain cells firing in sequence here, cuz I can see that I am missing the bus.

As I recall, you asked me then whether I was avoiding you. No, I wasn't avoiding you, I was ignoring you. At the time, there seemed to be quite a distinction between the two. Those lines are now blurred, but I'm glad that I no longer feel the need to do that. 

It's not nearly such a scary, murky thing at this point, so feel free to ask... and please be specific (lest I be slow and dense in response, again) if there's another question on your mind?

Sweet dreams to you, as well.

Hope

[Hopalong]

Oh good.
Glad it's not scary any more.
(Naw, it was just that orginal question: asked and answered.)

I am glad the fear's faded.
I really don't want to quiz you about it,
because I think that fear came from somewhere
and I don't want to be the cause of hurting you. So I don't think I'm your
teacher, just your respectful classmate.

I'm sorry you were shamed by your robomom, and you've sure been rocking
with awarenesses here. I'm sorry you felt like leaving for a while but glad you
decided not to go.

Hops