Hi, Jac,
I really wanted to try to understand what you're saying, so I've reviewed these posts with my husband. Thought it would help to get his view, since our marriage is the only benchmark I have for a "normal", healthy adult relationship. Plus, I highly value the way he sees beneath the surface of matters and then will tell me the truth, regardless of whether it's what I might want to hear. It's exactly that sort of insight and accountability that seemed needed here, lest I get off track. It's quite easy for me to fall into old habits and get deluged by emotional responses, losing sight of the reality of a situation. [ As a side note, this marriage is the first time I've experienced true mutuality... a sincere desire to know and to be known, in all honesty. Now that I've seen what a real marriage can be like, I recognize that my other (non-N) adult relationships have been quite shallow, seemingly based on a "you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours" mentality of keeping up appearances, keeping the peace, not rocking the boat, and basically staying out of each other's way so we could each get what we want without the work of growing a real relationship.]
Anyway, going over this with him helped me to see more clearly that you and I have very different views about both intimacy and conflict. It's very liberating to acknowledge that I can respect your right to maintain your own view without adopting that view for myself. Correspondingly, you can choose to respect my right to maintain my view without adopting it as your own... or not. It's wonderful to have that free choice.
One of the things I most appreciate about my relationship with my husband is that he and I can disagree without either one of us feeling mortally wounded or despairing. We don't see everything eye to eye and we don't expect to. I'm just thankful that for the first time in my life, I don't feel overpowering fear when I express disagreement with him. Neither of us requires the other to be 100 percent in tune at all times and to me, that is the basis of genuine respect and true intimacy.
When there is conflict, which there is bound to be in any relationship, sometimes he and I resolve the matter through compromise. Sometimes we pick an entirely different option which was never the first choice of either of us, and that works out even better. Sometimes we find that there is no solution other than ... we must agree to disagree, and let the matter rest. But however it works out, we're both satisfied, because neither one of us has hung his hat on the outcome. Our identities and value are not wrapped up in whether or not the other one sees things our way or even understands our feelings. I think that's healthy and right & now that I've experienced it, I know that this is the sort of relationship I want.
At this point, I'm lost in all the references in your post to Party A and Party B, but when I say that it's "ok to disagree", it's not because I think I've "figured the other person out". It is, in fact, because I don't expect a relationship to be free of disagreements and often problems are only aggravated by continuing to talk about them.
When I say that I have nothing further to contribute to a conversation, this is not
"designed to silence the other person", but simply a statement of my own mental-emotional condition at that time, which is = I have run out of thoughts/ideas/words which might be of any benefit toward resolution. I think it's not only okay to call a halt to discussion when one person deems it necessary, but that it's wise to do so.
I do not want to be in a relationship where one person insists that the dialogue continue beyond a point where I have requested a halt. I have been in such relationships and found them oppressive and harmful, because they don't allow me time to gather my thoughts and emotions, but instead force me to take another ride on a rollercoaster which has already made me dizzy.
Personally, I must take a realistic view of relationships in my own life, which to me means not viewing them in terms of miraculous or tragic, but simply pairings of two flawed individuals who both have sensitive areas which will disrupt harmony at times. I used to have what I'd describe as a fairy tale/operatic view of life... everything all good/all bad and lots of magical thinking, until I discovered the many gray areas involved, particularly where gauging another human being's motivation is concerned. That is something I have had to face up to and admit that I am in no position to do. I'm not saying that you do this, only sharing that I have made a point to beware of such thinking. So now, I am committed to continuing to practice NOT judging someone's motivation until it becomes second nature, because I've seen how much damage and misunderstanding that creates. I still have a long way to go with this, because old habits die hard, but thankfully I have an accountability partner who reminds me when I slip.
My view is that part of my share of the responsibility in these reality-based relationships includes the establishment of my own boundaries. I do not believe that intimacy in relationship includes a responsibility on my part to make the other person "feel better". I don't believe that true intimacy is even possible under those terms because it places too much burden on another and denies individual responsibility. I don't want any part of a relationship that's enmeshed in such a way. Accountability is the other huge factor for me. When I'm off base, my husband tells me so and as much as I might not want to hear it, I trust that God is using him to set me straight. He allows me to do the same and there is no tragedy in it. In fact, we both survive and intimacy actually is increased, rather than destroyed. I don't tell my husband or anybody else that they should try to make me feel better in order to prove that they care for me, because I know that nobody but God working in my own heart and spirit can make that happen. I do hope that you'll be able to feel better in every way, Jac, even though you and I don't share the same perspective, and of course I'll continue to keep you in prayer.
Hope
