OK, guys, I really appreciate your kind indulgence here. I have learned a lot from reading and I am sooo grateful for the feedback to my posts.
I am reading more stuff on narcissism – don’t know if it helps. Now I wonder if my husband’s current behavior is in fact some kind of manipulation – conscious or not. He is being affectionate and clingy physically, while making statements that show no real interest in whether we are together or not. I also remember how he seemed to like it a few times when I got angry and let loose on him a little – he seemed to enjoy it - maybe that was manipulation too? There is some pattern where I make an emotional appeal, and he reacts coldly, which leads me to become even more emotional – is that a similar thing? Does my getting upset feed him in some way? I am being more withdrawn now and really trying not to get drawn into that, so I guess if he needs that kind of “supply” he will probably try to do something to provoke it.
I think his verbally abusive behavior subsided as I became more withdrawn – when I was expressing more fear and distress about our marriage ending, and doing all I could to hold onto him, it was more intense and had more of an effect than it would now, when I am less intent on holding on. Maybe he doesn’t want to drive me away, but only wants to be able to provoke some response?
The last time I tried to appeal to him emotionally and to try and explain my feelings of betrayal, abandonment, and mistrust, he responded with no understanding, discounted my feelings, and became angry and frustrated. I became very weepy and upset, and then apologetic for getting so pathetic and upset. To make it up to him for being so pathetic and hysterical, that night I made an effort to meet his sexual needs. Maybe that whole kind of interaction is what he feeds off of?
I just had a kind of awful thought – one thing that has never made any sense at all is how he told me all sorts of details about the other woman even when he was still infatuated with her, all the while criticizing me. And recently he met up with another new woman “friend” for lunch/dinner and been quite open with me about it– how else could he expect me to react to that but with apprehension and anxiety! – even someone who really can’t feel empathy should be in tune enough to see that. Maybe part of the reason he tells me these things is because on some level he wants to see the effect it has on me, maybe he needs to see how I respond by being hurt and upset, feeling insecure, trying to please him, becoming emotionally distraught, etc. Is this verging on paranoia?
Thanks for listening to my crazy thoughts! I sometimes think I am the one who is really nuts here.