Two years ago tomorrow

[pennyplant]

I'm been feeling depressed for about a week and couldn't understand why since nothing in particular is all that different lately.  I've been doing okay with the things that aren't all that great.  Tired from working too much, but that has been going on awhile so it wasn't a very satisfactory answer either.

Then I remembered this morning, early of course, that tomorrow will be two years since the day we took my father to the hospital.  Then three weeks later he died, on October 29th.  October 3, 2004 was a Sunday I think.  My father called us in the morning and said he couldn't take care of himself  any more and would we come and get him and take him to the nursing home.  He hadn't made any arrangements to go to a nursing home and didn't understand you can't just drop someone on the doorstep.  So, I knew we'd have to bring him home to our house.  If he said he couldn't take care of himself any more, then it had to be bad.

We got there and my aunt and uncle were already there looking pretty shell shocked.  My father was sitting on one of his collection of wheeled office chairs he had bought to make getting around easier.  He was by the kitchen sink and I figured he must have tried to feed himself or wash up and couldn't and then realized that even the basic abilities were gone and started making phone calls.

We agreed he would come live with us and went back home to get a room ready for him while my aunt and uncle watched him.  It was the longest day of my life.  With each moment of preparing for his arrival it became more and more apparent we were in over our heads.  Just arranging for furnishings and how he would get around in the house took all we had.  We didn't eat all day.  At one point we went back to his place and he had not been able to make it to the bathroom in time.  My aunt and uncle were useless at this point.  And I was pretty close.  It took me five full minutes to make myself go in that bathroom and start washing him.  My husband arrived again at that point and finished for me.  I just couldn't do it.

By the end of the long day, he was in his bed in our dining room and he was sitting there feeling like he was dying, and he was, and he said, "This isn't going to work."  I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital and he said yes.  So, I called the ambulance.  Our doorways were too narrow for the stretcher and he couldn't walk.  So, they rigged up a heavy blanket and carried him out like in a sling.  He was very small and alert as a squirrel sitting there in that blanket.  It was scary and exciting for him at the same time.  It was unreal to me.

In the emergency room, a girl I went to school with was his nurse.  She told me later she was glad she was his nurse because the other nurse on duty wasn't very good.  And it was true.  I watched the other nurse and she spent her time just doing busy work.  Like she didn't really know her job very well.  My former classmate took the best care of him.

It is all so vivid to me still.  Last year at this time, I remembered at about one in the morning what day it was and couldn't sleep the rest of the night.  I was wreck at work the next day.  I thought this year it wouldn't happen again.  But I guess it has.  My friend at work, the one whose mother was murdered, told me that every year around that time, even if she isn't thinking of it, her body remembers what time of year it is and she feels terrible.  Then she remembers why. It was last month for her.  I guess that is how it happened for me this time.

I wish I didn't have to go to work.  I did plan ahead somewhat this year.  My vacation starts in two weeks and so I will be off work on the 29th.  But it seems like October 3rd is the more painful day in my heart for some reason.  It was just an awful day.  A shocking day.  I always call it The Day We Took My Father To The Hospital.  Those words just don't convey it properly.  I didn't realize then what it meant.  The enormity of it.  The next three weeks were really all part of one long day.  That was really the day he was dying rather than living.  That was really the day it was all over with.

I thought it might help me to post about it.  Apparently I've been getting ready for this for awhile now.  Have felt so blah and quiet.  My husband is puttering around in the kitchen and letting me be.  I have to go wash up and get ready for work.  Maybe some water on my face will make me more presentable.  If only I were like my co-workers who just "bang in" when they don't feel like coming in.  But I haven't done it yet in five years and don't plan to start today.

Gotta get going now.  Thanks for reading this.

PP

[October]

I'm been feeling depressed for about a week and couldn't understand why since nothing in particular is all that different lately.  I've been doing okay with the things that aren't all that great.  Tired from working too much, but that has been going on awhile so it wasn't a very satisfactory answer either.

Penny, first of all a big hug for you (((((((((((((Penny))))))))))))) for being so caring and so strong.

Next, maybe some help.  It looks from your description of that day, and of subsequent years, as if you have some form of post traumatic stress from this.  I  know I always seem to tell people this, but it is because I know this condition so well, that it leaps out at me from what you say.

It may help to look at what this means, but in short, it is perfectly normal for extreme events such as you describe to be remembered in a different way from normal memories.  They are laid down in a different place in the mind, and an anniversary will bring back every detail, as if it is happening again.  This is a flashback.  It takes you back to every detail - what you saw and heard and did, what you smelled, and what you felt.  Every bit of it.  Sometimes this will come in dreams, sometimes on the point of falling asleep.  And sometimes in broad day.   

Without counselling, I believe the average time to recover from a single, hugely traumatic event such as this is 6 years, so you need to give yourself plenty of time, plenty of love and reassurance, and be aware that at this time of year you need to be especially kind to yourself.  If you can get a counsellor to talk this through, that would be great, but even without one you can nurture yourself through this, once you understand what is happening. 

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((((((Pennyplant)))))))))))))

What October has said sounds like wisdom to me... please be very gentle toward your self, now especially.
Each occasion like this is an opportunity to release some more of the lifelong grief.

Love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Ditto wisdom of October and CH...
so very smart of you PP to realize you are having an anniversary reaction.

It will get better. You just be extra-gentle and nurturing to yourself as you would love any good person who's had a shock. It will get better every year.

(It sure sounds as though your Dad orchestrated a final trauma for everyone, by not taking care of his life so it could wind down with less stress on everyone. I've noticed Mom is doing this...all her conversation about sorting things out to not leave a mess has been just that..talk.)

(((((((((((((((((PennyPlant))))))))))))))))

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Pennyplant)))))))))))))))))))))))))

If only I were like my co-workers who just "bang in" when they don't feel like coming in.  But I haven't done it yet in five years and don't plan to start today.

Each year I steel myself for July 11th, because I know that it will be hard and still it creeps up on me and I wonder what is wrong.  That is the day my husband died and it bleeds over onto July 4th, because I remember so much of that last holiday in detail.  I admire you and encourage you to keep at work - even if it is going through the motions.  The structure can be truly life giving.  You will get through this pennyplant.  Keep you eye on the light at the end of the tunnel.  My thoughts and prayers are with you each and every day as you endure this trial.  Take faith that it will lessen and lessen and lessen.  Hope on to that promise to help you through.

Your friend - Gaining Strength

[ANewSheriff]

PP:

My friend at work, the one whose mother was murdered, told me that every year around that time, even if she isn't thinking of it, her body remembers what time of year it is and she feels terrible.

There must be some kind of imprint - either deep, repressed psychological imprints or as your friend suggests, possibly a cellular imprint.  In September, we had the one year anniversary of my father-in-law's passing.  We knew he was going to have a stroke because he had been diagnosed with only a small percentage of blood flow to his brain two years previously.  Too risky to operate on so they said, "Get your house in order and live it up while you still can".  He always said he wanted the stroke to be fatal as he did not want to be incapacitated - ex army pilot, a real "I did it my way" guy, you know.  Well, he went to lunch with his buddies, came home, got in his chair, went to sleep and never woke up.   

Although we all knew we got much more time than any of the docs had thought, we were very devastated by his loss.  The anniversary was really tough.  Truthfully, I was surprised at how emotional I was.  There is just something about those dates that grab hold of us. 

PP, hang on.  I know these are tough times for you.  You still sound very traumatized.  Make yourself a hot cup of tea today and maybe sit down with a pen and paper and write your dad a note.  (((((((((((((((((((PP))))))))))))))))

ANS 

[pennyplant]

Thank you so much everyone.  I appreciate all the kindness and every one of your suggestions.  I feel so much better now.   Identifying what the problem was made a big difference in and of itself and also having someone to "tell" it to.  I didn't want to tell anybody at work--people there mostly want happy or funny stories.  Your suggestions and ideas are very helpful.  Things I wouldn't have come up with myself.  I think I probably never dealt with it properly at the time.  For some reason, even though I didn't intend to, I started bottling up some of it right away.  It seemed to happen automatically. 

I feel less alone too knowing that some of you have also felt these anniversary reactions.  Sometimes it seems like other people just go on with life but maybe they just don't acknowlege it in public. 

Thanks to you all  .

Pennyplant

[Gaining Strength]

((((((((((((((((((((((Pennyplant)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My heart is with you.  My heart and my prayers. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[pennyplant]

Thank you so much, GS  .

PP

[teartracks]

Pennyplant,

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Pennyplant&Dad))))))))))))))))))))))))

teartracks

[pennyplant]

Thank you, TT.

Today I'm just going to let myself feel the way I feel.

Also, read some more Inner Voice of Love (Henri Nouwen, for those who don't have it) last night.  Just letting it sink in at a slow pace.  Quite a book.

PP

[Hopalong]

Thoughts and support coming your way, PP.

I wish you peace in your heart and actual love, that you can feel, for yourself today.

(And all days.)

Hops

[pennyplant]

Hee hee, there's going to be some good stuff flying back and forth today    .

Thanks, Hops.

PP

[WRITE]

He was very small and alert as a squirrel sitting there in that blanket.  It was scary and exciting for him at the same time.

what a beautiful image.

You must miss him terribly.

her body remembers what time of year it is and she feels terrible.  Then she remembers why. It was last month for her.  I guess that is how it happened for me this time.

we have to grieve, even if we blot it out as you say parts of us remember for us.

Maybe it's the way our loved ones live on in us, even though it's painful.

Maybe you could do something symbolic each year to commemorate The Day We Took My Father To The Hospital? Sometimes an action helps release the tension of grieving inside yourself, I used to go to a little garden with a memorial for the unborn every January.

Thank you for sharing your story, it makes me cry but in a good way. Happy tears as my little boy used to say when he was small and reognised mummy was not sad, just remembering things.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[pennyplant]

He was very small and alert as a squirrel sitting there in that blanket. It was scary and exciting for him at the same time.

what a beautiful image.

That day there were several volunteers who came to the ambulance call.  They kept talking to each other about the very interesting chest sounds they were hearing through the stethoscope.  We were not in the ambulance with him while they did this, but I just knew that in spite of himself feeling scared, he would be very excited about the equipment and also with what was going on inside his body.  Always very scientific and curious about such things.

Maybe you could do something symbolic each year to commemorate The Day We Took My Father To The Hospital? Sometimes an action helps release the tension of grieving inside yourself, I used to go to a little garden with a memorial for the unborn every January.

This is a great idea, WRITE, I will think of something that we can do each year.

Thank you, (((WRITE))))

PP