This is the first time on this board. However, I wanted to let you know that after divorcing an serial adultering N after 32 years of marriage (after nursing him through 8 surgeries), and after getting out of a "love" relationship with yet another N, I decided that I had to change my pattern. I didn't want to move back home. My mother and father wanted me to move back immediately, but didn't press it.
Eventually, after a bout with despression, and going through individual and group therapy, plus reading every book I could find to help me. (Codepency, Forgive for Good, Boundaries, Say a Prayer for Me), I decided to move back. It was the healthiest thing I could have done.
I moved back without a job. But I found MYSELF. I've been able to remember who I was before I was put down. I rediscovered childhood friends and haunts. I'm talking with cousins, and relatives that I have not been in contact with. I'm facing old self-doubts and anxieties. And I'm rediscovering me in a healthy way.
My therapist asked me once, "Why did I feel I had to suffer?" I'm realizing that I don't need to. And I don't want to. And that I have choices. And, after 3 months of looking I finally have a job. I wish I had a man in my life, but until I make better choices and listen to my inner good sense, it is probably best that I don't.
Certainly, in the midst of the night, I roll over and wish that N1 or N2 were there. But I cherish even more that I'm here. And I'm okay.
And I roll over, and good back to sleep -- thankful that I'm not suffering anymore.
So my advice. Go where you have support. Go where you have a shoulder to cry on. Go where you can remember who you were before.
And go where you can find out who you will be.
God bless.