I feel trapped

[Hopalong]

Aww, Bean. I'm sorry. That is so painful.
It makes me sad that so many kids are just yearning for a father's appreciation...

He's the one with the fence--keeping out the happiness he could have known by loving you and being so grateful he has an amazing daughter.

You an engineer, building dad a fence. How symbolic is that, and what an understandable time for your heart to revolt.

You are a prize, Bean, and the world can still be your good father.
(I wonder if some of your passion about work could be trying, unconsciously, to win your dad's respect?)

He may not have a gracious enough mind to know to give it to you.
But that doesn't mean you haven't earned it.

You got mine!

Hops

[gratitude28]

I swear, pbean, every time you tell a story I am sure we grew up together. God, I HATED it when my parents picked on me like that for one little thing. They LOVE to annoy and pester with some dumb thing. I also got shit because I didn't like taking part in ceremonies... my mother didn't really want to go, but she wanted to make sure I knew that my sister, the one who appreciates her parents, would be proud to be in all ceremonies. She never tried to understand me, just saw it as a way I was weird and trying to be mean to her or some such thing. The same with the wedding.
Yes, there never is a mention of what I do for them. It is always about how I live far away and they can't come and see me and the kids (though they are too busy when we are there). And they could scrap one of their monthly vacations and come to see us, but it is "too expensive and too far" for them. Never mind that I spend 10,000 and a month this summer to please them.
Thanks for the validation once again, penelope-bean.
Love, Beth

[SilverLining]

He has several tricks in his arsenal and I am not sure what they are intended to be used for. The first trick is to always talk about other people I grew up with and say how well they seem to be doing. I take this as him comparing them to me and trying to shame me into acknowledging that they have succeeded where I have failed. He never seems to mention that all these people were able to focus on running their own lives and did not have the family business dumped on them to run while they were trying to establish their own careers. Nonetheless, everytime he mentions one of these people, and it tends to be at least once every time we meet, I just shrink in my seat and feel like a failure. Then, I am told, when he is around his friends, he will brag about how smart I am and about the things I am able to accomplish. But please note, he has never complemented me ONCE in my life, or thanked me for any help I have given him, or said anything positive about me in my presence. I am serious, not once have I ever heard a compliment from him. So tell me, what is the purpose of this little trick of his? Is it to make me jealous and want to do great things?

Hi Steve.  I see similarities to my N/autistic father.  Like you, I rarely if ever hear any "positive feedback", and I do hear glowing descriptions of how other people are doing.  Fortunately for me, my father doesn't have much social contact, so he doesn't get much fuel for this type of comparison

I have come to believe he does it not out of malice but because he is unable to relate to people one on one.  The others he speaks of, because they are absent, are something of an abstraction in his own mind.  He can talk about them, but he would not be able to talk TO them.   When I am around him he has to talk about things he understands, and a real dialogue is not within his capabilities.   

I know from experience how difficult it is to put up with this kind of situation.  At the moment, my defense has been keeping my distance, and trying my best to understand what is really going on.   





 

[penelope]

(((((((((tjr))))))))))) (((((((((((steve)))))))))))) ((((((((((((beth)))))))))))))

sorry to hijack - I get so Pissed off when I hear these stories cause I can relate!

beth - we are biologically attached, my parents go on vacation every month too!  They've been to Europe about 15 times..  I was simply aghast when last year they started spewing that the reason they haven't any money for retirement is they've spent it all on their 6 kids.  Guess they conveniently forgot all those trips.   

Similar situation with my sis.  I lived 45 minutes away - they came to my house a total of 2 times in the three years I lived there (once my Dad didn't even come in, he just picked me up, on his way to go on a hike with his colleagues - I think he was too jealous to have a look around at the house I bought by myself).  But they drove 3 hours to see my sister every other weekend.  Still, they complained how far away I lived.  But it was expected I drive out to their house for dinner once a month (guess it wasn't as far coming as going). 

So I conveniently developed chronic car trouble.  It's no coincidence I drove a beater that broke down every month or so, and was too unreliable to go further than my work.   

Since I moved 1.5 hrs from them, I do not have a car at all!   

Well, the fact of the matter is, steve and anyone in an impossible situation like this: just because they're family does not mean you have to sustain any kind of relationship with them.  In my case, it was just easier to stop.  Stop seeing them, stop thinking about them, stop feeling pain.  A bit of anger still seeps out though.  sorry bout that.  Lost my sense of detachment for a moment there.

And hops, you're completely correct.  This stuff does seep into other relationships, like work ones.  Some of the anger I feel for my boss most definitely is partly due to him being an authority figure and doing/saying things exactly like my N father.  blah!  Is he my N father?  no.  So, I'm working on neutralizing his effect.  It's tough though.  Our subconscious minds are very strong.

p bean