Hello All:
As I have mentioned before, I am the adult son of a narcissist. I have two primary areas of interaction with my father that cause me great distress.
The first area has to do with interpersonal boundaries. Through several confrontations last year I made it abundantly clear to him that I demand to be treated as a person and not as his possession. To his credit, he has shown some movement in this direction, but we have had limited contact as of late. He seems to understand that if he crosses a certain line, he will feel my wrath. I am not sure how long this will last. I suspect, the next time he feels any sort of pressure he will attempt to use me again to achieve his desired ends. However, I am sure that I can finally stand up to him, and I will not put my life behind his. This area of our relationship seems to have been solved last year, at least as far as I am concerned.
The area in which I have great difficulty is in listening to what he says. Let me elaborate. Perhaps I am at fault here because I misread what he is trying to say. However, I doubt this. I am a very intelligent person and I do believe that I am also very perceptive.
He has several tricks in his arsenal and I am not sure what they are intended to be used for. The first trick is to always talk about other people I grew up with and say how well they seem to be doing. I take this as him comparing them to me and trying to shame me into acknowledging that they have succeeded where I have failed. He never seems to mention that all these people were able to focus on running their own lives and did not have the family business dumped on them to run while they were trying to establish their own careers. Nonetheless, everytime he mentions one of these people, and it tends to be at least once every time we meet, I just shrink in my seat and feel like a failure. Then, I am told, when he is around his friends, he will brag about how smart I am and about the things I am able to accomplish. But please note, he has never complemented me ONCE in my life, or thanked me for any help I have given him, or said anything positive about me in my presence. I am serious, not once have I ever heard a compliment from him. So tell me, what is the purpose of this little trick of his? Is it to make me jealous and want to do great things?
I really don't understand, help me understand this issue. And also help me understand why I let this bother me. The ironic thing is that many of these people were given assistance by me in achieving their success in one form or other, though I in no way claim that I was responsible for their success. However, I never go around and say what I have done for them because that is not my nature. I was happy to help out and if things were done in confidence, they remained that way.
I will leave it at that and see if I can get some feedback from this group. As you can imagine, my self-esteem is shattered and it always has been. Why do I let such a pathetic individual do such harm to me. Please help me get beyond this because I really do not know how much longer I can last.
Thanks,
Steve