Dear Cinderella,
This is mainly for you and for anyone else who can tolerate the lengthy babble. Sorry it took so long to respond to your request. I had to be in the right frame of mind and also find time to write my thoughts – and this may be more for my own venting needs than it is for your benefit but maybe somewhere in the muddle we will strike a common chord. My relationship, or lack thereof, with my older sister is very painful so I have a tendency to ignore its existence for periods of time (a true defense mechanism I suppose).
Its been a while, but I do remember in your previous posts I detected some anger and resentment toward your sister with regard to her lack of participation in your Nmom’s life. Correct me if I am wrong about your thoughts that she is considered rather the “golden child” and is favored in the family. A lot of time has passed so I hope I am remembering this correctly. I relate to your situation in two different ways, both as the “caretaker” of my mom and as the “favored” baby sister. This why I wanted to share this with you. Perhaps we can learn something from each other.
In my dysfunctional family, I am fourteen years younger than my sister and fifteen younger than my brother. When I was a child, my sister only lived with us for a couple of years and then after she moved out I was essentially living as an only child (my brother was in the service). Sometimes my sister would stay with us for a couple of months between apartments, and when she did, she was the babysitter, and often the family mediator. She is a maternal “type”. She defended me in my early teens and served as my “rescuer” from the Nmom – dad was passive and often unavailable -and did so occasionally over the phone when she was away if there was major conflict. The problem is, over the years, she herself became very toxic from old wounds festered within her from my mother’s “N” abuse (my mother was an active alcoholic during my sister’s early childhood, but quit using before I came along) –and from her own negative life experiences (date raped, and two years later robbed) that contributed to her poor self-esteem.
She proceeded to spiral into overeating and drinking habits to medicate, though she insists she has healed completed from everything (has not done any counseling or other self help methods). She’s now married to the guy who cheated on her repeatedly when she was younger and strung her along for 10 years, and they moved out of state. She has “let herself go”, stopped coloring & styling her hair her totally prematurely grey hair, stopped using makeup, gained a huge amount of weight and dresses in baggy clothes.
We remained close until I began to sometimes disagree with her perspectives when I reached college age. Ironically, I was a psychology major and this prompted me to begin examining myself in new ways. I began counseling for mild depression and grief (our father died suddenly right before I went to college). During this period ( I had not yet discovered narcissism and borderline personality) I repaired wounds that I had with my passive and somewhat neglectful father (he allowed the Nmom to railroad me and chose to ignore it, though he was probably dealing with his own frustration). Anyway, when I would suggest counseling to my sister for all of her pain and experiences, she would make fun of me, calling it my “crutch” and so forth, and thought it was ridiculous. She, to this day 15 years later, believes that she doesn’t need therapy, and even if she went it wouldn’t do anything for her. She actually said once, “my husband is my therapist, he’s a very good listener” which mind you, I have witnessed him verbally abusing her on more than one occasion.
As I became an adult, I displayed my own personality and no longer needed my sister to rescue me. As I became healthier, I recognized the unhealthy pattern of my relationships with my mother and sister, and no longer needed my sister to rescue me or “fight my battles”. I had several gentle conversation attempts with her that while I appreciated her looking out for me, some of her behaviors made me feel controlled and childlike. She would be extremely defensive, and “didn’t I appreciate all the times that she buffered my mom”, etc. She would constantly belittle my opinions, and always make comments to suggest that because she was older, I would “never be as wise as she”. She became angry with me when I would resist her “mothering” and express my own self. She was extremely self-righteous, and would talk about all of her involvement in her church and so forth. She was rude, skeptical and outright unfriendly to my now-husband because she didn’t approve (he was divorced with a young child). She told me we were not invited to their home (out of state) until after we were married because she didn’t want my poor choices to have an influence on her children (living with a divorced man who had a child from a previous marriage), even though we had already lived together for three years and were now engaged with a date set). I had a very positive life going on – an excellent career, a great fiancé, kept my figure and had pretty good self esteem from all the counseling I had done, and was able to get along with the Nmom (I worked hard on myself).
The contradiction was that she blamed me for not seeing her children enough, and that I must not care about my relationship with her - because I chose not to travel under her terms and conditions at thirty years old. And all these judgements from a woman who had run away to be a hippie at 17, had two unwanted, terminated pregnancies and lived with her now “therapist” husband for 10 years before he finally married her. I have been party to her husband's agressive, pessimistic nature and violent-tempered outbursts involving profanity in front of these same children that she is concerned about, which my husband would NEVER do.
It became clear to me after several confrontations that my sister had ironically turned into the narcissist that my mother was. She was resentful that I was happy in my life, and she would make comments to suggest that “I couldn’t be really happy until I had children of my own” or other weird things. She had two children, and has poured herself into them in a very unhealthy manner. She is so controlling that my mom and I agree that they will one day they will seriously rebel (they are entering high school now – and ironic that my Nmom can see this but couldn’t with her own).
Over the last ten years, she raged to my mother about how she favors me because I am the youngest, the prettiest (only because I take care of myself, she could be very pretty) and my brother because he is a man. I chalked up her jealousy to “middle child syndrome” but I know it is much deeper than that. She didn’t speak to my brother for six years because she hates his wife. But then when my mother and her had a blowout and I had kept a safe distance for a while, all of a sudden my brother was her favorite family member. A few years ago, she once told me that if it weren’t for the kids she and her husband would probably divorce (this is the same wonderful one that cheated on her and that is her “therapist” and a "terrific" father).
She has managed to maintain a relationship with my mother out of “duty” and simmers with anger just below the surface. She dug up an incident that happened between her and my mom when she was a teenager, saying “I’ll never forgive you mother” and dragged it out for an entire year.
She came to town three years ago for my wedding,and you could see the non-specific rage boiling within her. She literally was red-faced, extremely overweight and looked ready to blow. Yet if you even try to talk to her, everything is wonderful and she’s come to grips with everything- in between cutting remarks about how I and the rest of the family have failed her and that is why we’re not close. During that visit, she invited my husband and I to her home out of state - we were welcome anytime. I will be honest with you, after the way things have been over the last several years I would never be comfortable setting foot at their house. I can't be around her for more than an hour. I am fidgety, nervous, uncomfortable, and don't act myself. The thing that really angered me though, was she had the nerve to say that it would be great if my husband could do some work in their home while he was there (he's a contractor and they were doing an addition)
How dare she? After he was not welcome in their home for years, and she only met him twice -she has the nerve to ask him to do that????
During all this time, because my brother and sister are both out of state, I was left with taking “care” of my now 75 year old Nmom. My sister, back when we were still communicating, said it was a good thing I was looking over my mom because “she already paid her dues”. But this has also been my CHOICE. Just in the last year, after being in and out of therapy for mild depression YEARS, I read a book called “Prisoner of Childhood”, and had an awakening of sorts; understanding that our family problems stem from my mom being N and BPD, and alcoholic to boot. However, I am able to maintain a relationship with my mom after setting boundaries. She lives in her own house in the same town, and I am her executor, etc. I do not allow her to make me feel as if “no one else will take care of me so you have to do everything”. She is surprisingly self sufficient when put in the position to be. It is a constant struggle, and here is the rub.
My sister thinks that because my mother “favors” me, that I have it easy. I agree with the first part, I am the favorite - because I am the one who has stuck around, have most in common with her and chose to work it out - isn't that just plain human nature? I’m here to tell you that it is NOT easy. BECAUSE I am the favorite, BECAUSE I chose to work it out with my mom, and because I choose to spend time with her every week - it is a struggle constantly. She continually tries to suck the life out of me because I am the only one available for her narcissistic supply. I am continually criticized, if I ALLOW it, for things I say or do, things my husband says or does, decorating, eating habits, drinking habits, the actions of everyone around me, the choices I make when we shop, my friends and their actions, she is standoffish to other people in my life, etc. etc. I have been belittled, controlled, manipulated, lied to (when she falls off the wagon sometimes) for many years longer than my brother and sister, because they chose to move out of state with their families and speak to my mother on the phone a few times a year. Before this year, I fell into the narcissistic trap constantly. I felt it was my “duty” to put up with it because I was the only one left. And I just plain didn’t know any better – I thought it was the way to be loved and approved of.
My mother and I get along now, because after my “awakening” I worked hard to set boundaries and she TRIES to respect them. When we are together, NO ONE would suspect the dysfunction that exists. We are able to laugh together, and there are things about her that I even like. I also think that my mother is trying harder with me, because she knows there is no one else around. That really bothers my sister, because she has told me on more than one occasion – I “love” mom but I don’t “like” her. She can’t believe that I actually like things about my mom. Interestingly, that is exactly how I feel about my sister - I just plain don't like her anymore. As an adult, I have seen nothing but toxicity from my sister, and I find that she has become negative, and we have nothing in common. She has nothing to offer anyone but to talk about her children and what they are doing, and how brilliant they are (as a reflection of her).
My mother, on the other hand, as toxic as she is, continues to “try” to better herself (she even went to counseling for a little while). She works hard at trying NOT to favor me, and is very careful to make sure that each child is given material things equally, or grandchildren are given the same type of gifts. But don’t be fooled – my mother is not “cured” and I have to constantly be aware of things she says and does to me and head them off at the pass before they worsen. Like I said, it is a CONSTANT struggle. But interestingly, my sister has become a worsened version of my mother.
I have chosen to remove myself from my sister’s life, because my dealings with her in the last several years were painful and insulting. The last few times she visited, several years ago, she was very critical of me and my home, and husband – all the things that my mother used to (and still tries) to do. She is bitter and tries to “pit” one family member against the other, and invalidates anything I had to offer. With her, I have NO VOICE. I literally get sick to my stomach when she comes to town, and if I have to be with her for a holiday, I am extremely uncomfortable. She has also deteriorated her relationship with my mother, and is off/on again not speaking to my brother. I send her a b-day and Christmas gift, and leave it at that. Any intimacy leads to disaster.
I do not hold a grudge however angry I am (you can sense it in this post I’m sure). I recognize my sister’s pain. I believe that the only behavior she knows to protect herself is manipulation, in a sad and feeble attempt to try and get the love she so desperately needs. She is so unhappy with herself that she cannot have healthy relationships, and unfortunately she has alienated the people in her family that she wants it most from. But she, in her current state of mind, is unable to see that SHE has the power to change it all within herself. She holds everyone else responsible – the ultimate victim.
Part of my sharing this long life story is because I wonder if your little sister has her own set of issues and experiences and perspectives that you might not see. She may be in pain, or may not be at the stage in her life that she understands she is. She may be going along doing what she can to survive your mom’s narcissistic tendencies, and it may appear different than your way. Perhaps, like I was, is going along foolishly being the perfect daughter because that’s what she thinks it takes to be loved more by your mom. While I was doing this for years, I found myself in unhealthy relationships with men (before I met my husband), was abusing alchohol on occasion and was frequently depressed (though no one though it, because outwardly I am bubbly and “put-together” – and I didn’t even realize all of this until years later in counseling). Your sister may not be as perfect as your impression of her. And she may not be willing or able or even aware of it enough to discuss it with you because of her own denial or oblivion.
It is definitely apparent that you are not toxic like my sister is, or you wouldn’t be visiting this message board. And I am not comparing you to me, or your sister to me, or you to my sister – the circumstances are very different – yet there are some similarities. There are days, Cinderella, that I am exhausted of this (emotionally). I have had times where (dare I say) I think about what a relief it will be when my mother is gone. I think we probably all feel that way. But I do not hold this against my siblings. They are dealing with their pain in the only way they can, and I CHOOSE to give more directly than they. But I don’t consider myself better because of it, its just the way I have to (choose to) do it.
I would bet that your sister really DOES appreciate the things you do for your mom, and envies that you have the inner strength to do it. Consider yourself stronger, more mature, and healthier to be able to - but don’t be angry with those that can’t be right now. She (they) may still be nursing their own wounds, and their time will come. It takes some of us longer to heal than others – and some (like my sister, it seems) may never heal.
It has even occurred to me that my sister came to the conclusion long before I did that my mother was a narcissist and that’s why she chose to distance herself in anger. She has dealt with it differently (or not dealt with it, rather), but I am not angry with her about that because I was not in her head when she was a child. My anger toward her is a result of how she treated me, not how she isn’t chipping in as much with my mom. I don’t know how her pain felt. Her way was to numb, defend, deny, and control. My brother’s way is to have a million kids and work 12 hours a day (distractions). My way is to be counseled, try to work it out, be compassionate and pitiful to the narcissists (they don’t know any better) and take care of business. It is probably the harder road, but it is my choice.
I still get angry with my mother, and have to express it. I use therapy and this board. I get angry with my sister, for having been mean to my husband and being manipulative and controlling and insulting. I am angry with her, and so sad, that she has ruined our relationship by wallowing in her own pain and anger. Sometimes I fantasize that the next time she visits I will just express all my rage to her about how rotten she is – and all the words will come out just right. We used to be so close. I think that’s probably why I get the shakes when she visits – I’m afraid I won’t be able to contain myself. At the same time, I would be terrified to do that, because I would be setting myself up for the ultimate manipulation – in the past if I have ever confronted the demon it was twisted around so that it was my fault, and she was SO GOOD AT IT that I could not even respond, I would be bewildered, confused, and would question myself (my mother used to do the same thing to me). And then after time, I would think of all the things I SHOULD have said, and the things that I really felt. But it wouldn’t really matter if I said all those right things at the time anyway, would it?
I know she can’t help it right now, and I don’t take it out on her – I do this in counseling. I worry sometimes about if I am going to have to deal with this whole process again with HER after my mom goes, since she played a maternal role in my life for many years, and is also a Narcissist. But she has children of her own, and perhaps I won’t need to be the “rescuer”. Poor kids.
Now here is some unsolicited advice. Be angry, if that’s what you need to feel. I am. But I ask you to examine the source of your anger. If your sister (or brother, I think you said you had) has hurt you directly, it is understandable. If it is because you are resentful, however, you may need to reexamine your motives for what you do for your mom. Perhaps you are really angry with your mom for you being in this position, but you are displacing it elsewhere because as N children we have been taught to feel guilty about being angry at mom. Just make sure it is YOUR choice to take care of your mom, without being resentful. Be kind to yourself, and don’t force yourself to do things that make you unhappy.
You may feel you have an obligation to your mother, but you can do such things without as much emotional investment as you think. If you must, consider it business that you must attend to. Then you don’t have to feel guilty that you aren’t doing enough. Perhaps your sister’s “job” is to provide her with entertainment, or make her laugh once in a while – or, if you REALLY think she is favored, maybe it is her “job” to make mother feel as though she’s succeeded, while you tend to the other stuff. She might not be enjoying it as much as you think. Anyway, if there is hope for you and your sister to still have a good relationship, please don’t allow anger to get between your sister if it is not justified. For me it’s too late.
My apologies for going on in a self-piteous manner. I don’t know if this was even slightly helpful to you. I don’t express my anger toward my sister enough – it is easy to stick my head in the sand because she is out of state. I still need to work through it, and I appreciate you tweeking me for the opportunity. Kind regards and to you and whoever is struggling with these similar things. I hope we can all figure it out before we get too old.
I just found out that after three years my sister has decided come up for Thanksgiving before my mom gets too old to have it. I am trying not to let it get to me, but it will be very uncomfortable for my husband and I. The last time they were here, it was a disaster (for even my mother). Every holiday is so stressful, because we are forced to acknowledge (or try harder to suppress) old feelings of pain, and figure out how to get through the holiday. I wish it were not that way – it would be nice not to have to worry about it like “normal” families (HA!). Peace.
I will leave you with the words my therapist did just last Thursday: “ If you’re going to resent it, you probably shouldn’t do it”.
