Surviving a NPD parent - advice for teens

[daffodil]

I'm new here - I'm excited to find this site, after searching days on the internet...    I'm the mom of a teenage girl (and a preteen boy)- she has to deal with her (undiagnosed - except by me) NPD dad on visits and during the summer. She has just come to me independently with her evaluation of him, and asked me how she is supposed to deal with what he does.  I'm trying to give her advice. It's so sad, because most of the online advice is for spouses, and says, You must leave this person. However, she CANT leave him. I mean, not altogether. She needs strategies for keeping her self whole (and healing, from childhood living with him).

Does anyone have a good resource or succinct article I could give her? I'm trying to compile something myself. It's difficult.

Plus, myself, I am hit suddenly with a return to guilt for causing her to have to deal with this disturbed person. Ugh.And, I just would like to get some understanding from others who have lived with this kind of person.

[Hopalong]

Hi Daffodil,
Glad you're here...welcome!

guilt for causing her to have to deal with this disturbed person

. When I suffered over my D's suffering with her unkind father...I sometimes just had to step back and accept that it is what it is. Without her father's genes, my D would not exist, would not be the unique human she is.

Unfortunately, his legacy is one thing she'll have to work through. It will take her many years. She could have been born a child in a refugee camp or a war zone. Instead, she emerged in a fortunate time and a fortunate place.

It's hard hard hard to set aside guilt for everything your child suffers. As to resources, I searched for the same thing too, and found little aimed at younger people. It's an enormous need.

Maybe Dr. G (yoo hoo?) would have some reading to recommend that would work for teens and preteens about Narcissistic parents?

Hopalong

[Gaining Strength]

my father is NPD.  I can't imagine a teenager having the maturity to be able to face the issue head on.  It is difficult at any age.  The one thing I would focus on is this - help her to understand that he is unable to have empathy with her, to see anything through her eyes or from her point of view.  He is incapable of having a true relationship with her - there will be no give and take it will be all take. 

I choose to have lunch with my father every two weeks along with my brothers.  It is unpleasant and I am not sure why I do it except that on some level I have not yet figured out what to do with this missing piece of my life.  My goal is to be in touch but with utmost emotional detachment.  My goal is to treat our relationship (father - daughter) as a fact and nothing more.  My goal is to get beyond the sorrow and pain over having a father incapable of feeling love, incapable of knowing that I am valuable and worth being in relationship with.

I personally think there is little more difficult than to figure out how to deal with a Narcissistic parent.  It is very difficult and it hurts and there is no getting around it. - Gaining Strength

[finding peace]

Please understand that I am coming from a perspective of having lived with a very abusive parent.  I do not know if your daughter’s situation is like mine, so what I say may not apply to her.

That being said –

What I wouldn’t have given to have had a mother like you.  It is very clear you care for your daughter - that alone will carry your daughter farther than you can imagine.

It is hard to give advice.  With my Nparents, a lot depended on the situation. 

How bad is he?  Is it the mind games only, or is he physically, emotionally, and/or verbally abusive?

Ultimately, has your daughter indicated what she wants out of the relationship? I know this may sound like an odd question, but, if she is looking for a real relationship, if she is looking to fix the relationship or him, if she wants to be treated with courtesy and respect, or to otherwise have a normal relationship him, this is not likely to happen if he truly has N’ism.  She needs to be aware that he has a disorder that he can’t control and that the craziness that comes out of his mouth is his not hers.  It is very important that you teach her not to own his insanity.  Chldren tend to do this by default - they blame themselves rather than the person who is really responsible. 

I found that the only way to have a relationship with my father was to never, ever disagree with him, to cater to his ego at all times, and to never, ever, ever show that I was able to do something better than him.  If I did these things, then, at best, I could survive relatively unscathed, although, it didn’t always work.  If I did not do these things, then my life was made miserable.  Sadly, it is a sham of a real relationship, but given his disorder, and if it truly is N’ism, it is likely that this will be the only type of relationship your daughter can get.

Sounds grim doesn’t it?  Unfortunately it is.  The very good news is that she has you.  You are the balance that will tip the scales in her favor.  She will not spend half a life-time (like me) wondering what was wrong with her that her father couldn’t love her.

I might also see if she would be willing to consider speaking with a therapist who is well-versed with this disorder, he may be able to give her some insight on how to deal with the situation.

Peace

[elculbr]

Well, I'm a teen with an NPD father. I went no contact with him just under a month ago. Last year was my first year in college and my first year away from that sick house. I don't have any resources for you to help your daughter, as I am struggling myself. Well, I guess you should give her a therapist with NPD experience. I'm also angery that there are so little resources for teenage children of N's-most of the online resources are for spouses...It's like another level of invalidation.

[Stormchild]

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/awayabovethechimneytops/

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Kids_of_BPD/

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/narcissisticpersonalitydisorder/

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Nmagnets_Anonymous/

http://p208.ezboard.com/bnarcissisticpersonalitydisoderfamilyforum

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Ouchhh/

picked off this site:  http://www.bpdresources.com/supportnons.html -- all of the above are live links. Hopefully some will help. Several of these are for children of borderline parents, but there's a great deal of overlap between histrionic narcissists and borderlines.

[birdy750]

Hi Daffodil--- I'm right there with you!! My D is 12 and I have a son 20--both are very mature and are quite aware of my NPD "findings"--although like you--he has not been formally diagnosed. My D also is begging not to be made to go on visits--so far there have been few--and on many occasions I suggest taking a friend. But there is supposed to be a week  visit in August that she is dreading! She has already re-scheduled it twice.

 My son went NC before I did--before I knew what NC was!!! He suffered emotionally and verbally more than his sister---BUT it all began in the pre-teen years--because of that I am more nervous for my D at this time.We have been away from him 10 months now--and are all breathing easier!!

Anyway-- I did give my son a book for children of N's called "Trapped in the Mirror"--no report yet. I have recieved much help here in helping my daughter find her voice--she tells me one thing but then cannot "hurt her dads feelings" when on the phone or in e-mail--we are working on firm honesty. He has moved very far away --I am not letting her fly alone just yet---and quite frankly I'm not inclined to make her go.

He is toxic, has destroyed my sons self worth--and really didn't spend much time with her even when we all lived together. He can get mad--or say what he'd like--at this point it makes no difference to me--she is my priority--and I know what he can do. I keep thinking --if sooo many of these types of "problems" occur because of our upbringing then --Why would I subject her to that --knowing what I do??? We are a family of 3 now plain and simple--and loving it!!!

Read ALL that you can as fast as you can--the answers will clearly present themselves !!