Hi Phoenix,
did I feel your leaving coming or what?!..believe it or not just last night I felt compelled to read your posts since you've been back. I didn't get to read all of them but enough to understand and become acquainted with what you've been through.
When you say you've been searching all your life so far to understand or know if something is wrong with you, I understood immdediately what you meant.
There is something wrong with all of us here because wrong was done to us...the Ns in our lives, especially N parents, have robbed us of the direction and security we needed as children to insure we would be stable and well adjusted adults.
Our Nparents failed miserably at parenting, they will never admit to this..they will hide behind noble phrases such as: We did the best we could... you were a difficult child..something was always wrong with you and we couldn't figure you out..and the like. These are just the mirroring of their inadequacies and their projecting their own disinterest , unaccountability and irresponsibilities onto us. WE, their children have this to deal with as an inheritance. We are the brave ones seeking help, we are the ones who want a better life..WE ARE THE ONES WILLING TO FIX THINGS! They were too selfish and self-absorbed and dare I say LAZY to face and reckon with their own short-comings. They took the easy way out and blamed and picked on people ( us, children) not of their own size.
Please, please be careful in your new life not to ever waste time thinking there is something wrong with you. If you must,at least use the past tense. There was something wrong with me and I've fixed it and I will be vigilant to use what i've learned about myself and the abusers in my life to make sure it will not happen again.
Living with Nparents and Ns is horrific, it is our own private holocaust. We must keep that memory alive without living out the memory in our day to day lives. A difficult task indeed, but not impossible.
Phoenix, my parents are doing the same thing to me as your dad is doing to you. They are controlling me with money, money that is rightly mine..in their N delusion and much like your N dad, they have decided that, like you, I can't handle money...On looking closer at that, i've identified a pattern. This is not a recent decision of theirs, it is a lifelong pattern of obsessing with money. Again a projection of their own fear of being poor onto the children. They ( my parents) have hoarded their money to the same degree they have hoarded their affection and love for anything other than themselves. A huge, lifelong smoke-screen designed to hide who they really are whilst projecting their self-hate onto their children.
I agree with you that at one point we have to step away from healing..or rather live our healing, turn it into an experiential occurance. Treat ourselves to a day to day life without too much introspection. Our inside must go for a walk outside.
I hope that while you are taking your spirit outside, you will meet fantastic people, that you will enjoy sunrises and sunsets, joys and disappointments as I believe God intended all of us to. Without the fear, ever present and looming and closely connected to your abusive past. But with the peace of mind you've earned.
Walk out, walk about and be happy and proud of youself for having broken the silence, for having attacked the cancer that is destructive Narcissistic Parenting. You haven't broken out of jail, you've paid your dues and then some, you've earned your freedom... there is nowhere to go but ahead.
May God shower you with satisfaction and peace.
Much love Nic
P.S> hope you get your money...i'll pray for that and perhaps you can pray i'll get mine!
