Have you experienced anything like this

[steve]

Hello all:

I was just reflecting on my relationship with my father. Last year, the following scenario played out at least 10 times and each time nothing changed. My father would ask me to do something for him. I would usually wait a while until I completed what he requested (yes I know, passive aggressive) and then when I was done I would end up giving him something, usually some sort of report or information. I would hand it to him and then he would look at it. Of course I was waiting for a thank you, like an idiot, but I learned long ago not to expect miracles. So I would usually walk away and just say YOUR WELCOME. I mean, can you give anyone any more of a hint.

The whole point is that after I said YOUR WELCOME, he would just ignore me, like I didn't even exist. There was no, oh sorry, yes thank you. There was not even a thank you the next time. It was like there was some sort of implied thank you and he didn't even feel insulted that I belittled him by saying YOUR WELCOME without him saying a thank you first.

Has anyone experienced this before?

If you are in a similar situation, give it a try, I would be curious to see what their reaction is.

Anyways, I just laugh everytime I think about this story. That is, of course, until it finally sinks in how much he views me as his possession, and then it gets me down.

Steve

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Steve,


   Yes, I've experienced this lack of acknowledgement from those with NPD and also from those who are merely self-centered and therefore tend to be oblivious to others. There's a difference between the two personality types, I've found... those who tend to take us for granted are able to recognize, once we tell them how we feel about it, and change their behavior. They may have been living under some delusions of entitlement and acted like little babies who expect to be served, but they do not suffer from cognitive deficiency like NPD does.

     In my opinion, it's not so much that your father views you as his possession, but rather that he sees you as an extension of himself, a tool just as much as his own hand with all its fingers is a tool... to be used to meet his objectives. Maybe the difference is too subtle to verbalize... or maybe I'm imagining it altogether, but I can "feel" the difference and recognizing it has helped me to not take it personally. It does not occur to NPD that his/her way could possibly be wrong or even that there may be a slightly better way ... and so NPD expects everyone to fall in line and be eager to serve. To N, anything less than eager willingness is irrational... after all, he is "god". He has to be... else his world crumbles.

   When you say "You're welcome", he ignores you because it does not compute to him that he owes any thanks to you ... anymore than he thanks his fingers when they wrap around a pencil at his bidding. I hope this helps some... just try to remember that you're not dealing with a human being who knows anything but to objectify others. In his mind, everyone does the same, so he sees nothing wrong with it.

Blessings.

Hope

[reallyME]

Steve:

Has anyone experienced this before?

Oh Yes indeed I have.  Again, with former spiritual leader, Jodi (all done online in text, but yes I did actually meet her several times)

Not only with the "thank you" but with even having her answer my question at all when I had one.

Usually it would go like this:

Me:  "I am just really down today and it reminds me of when you and I had problems in our relationship.

Jodi: (sits there, waiting for me to type more (online)

Me:  "I did forgive you, but at the time it really hurt, so I'm not trying to heap guilt on you or anything, so please do not take it that way."  It's just that it is sort of a trigger to me, Jodi."

Jodi: (still sitting, observing my words (her friend told me that she does this, when she went to her house one time and saw)

Me:  "So, anyway, sorry to ramble."

Jodi: "it's ok."

Me:  "I just didn't want you to be upset."

Jodi: "oh I'm not getting upset at all.  I'm really not"  (she always had to tack on the "i'm really not" to be sure to emphasize her ability to remain strong even when GUILTY)

Me:  "Ok I believe you."

Jodi: "I am glad you do"

(now, notice, she made NO comment about what I said regarding my feelings earlier, in relation to our friendship.  this was how our entire year-long relationship was...very EVASIVE on her end...still is that way when we talk now, if I get on a deep emotional subject that could cause her to feel some guilt)

Me:  (realizing she is totally ignoring my above feelings)  So did you have any comments on what I said?"

Jodi:  "I understand how you feel and I never meant to hurt you.  I didn't."

Me:  "It's ok.  I forgive you, Jodi."

Jodi:  "Thank you."

Me:  "Do you see how it affected me though?"

Jodi:  "I know you were hurt and I never meant for things to turn out that way, but talking about it just brings it all up again and I don't want to hurt anyone."

(try, "I CANNOT ALLOW MYSELF TO EXPERIENCE GUILT FEELINGS")

Sooooooooooooooooo, on it would go till she finally told me she had to go.