Hi Steve,
glad you're back. I just survived a visit from my N mum. It went better than ever. I just did not react to anything she said. If, ok when, she insulted my decor, I just listened and thought, 'how rude'. When she made egregious racist remarks, I just looked away and thought about something else. When she sat me down to ask why I didn't want to give her a coin for some casino in some faraway country that we supposedly visited years ago (I have no recollection) as well as several other events she recalled in a much different version from mine, I just said I didn't remember, and when she insisted, I said she has her memories, I have mine, and we are not going to convince one another to change our memories, so let's just leave that in the past. When she went on about how awful my sister is and lied about the things she has supposedly done, I turned around and did kitchen work. When she spoke to me from the opposite end of the house to make me walk back again, I did not hear her. When her conversation was out of line, I did not hear her, nor did I make eye contact. When she started to talk about her will, I said I don't need to know, just let me know the name of her attorney. When she said she was probably not going to live long, and started to tear up, I noticed something really interesting right outside the window and she made a mistake and looked!
I know it will take a long time before you can get away from all the horrible emotion he triggers in you. Instead of trying to hold it in, try not to generate it. This requires not really listening. I finally realised that my mother has basically nothing I need or want. I don't want her money. I don't want her sick kind of love. I don't want her approval based on her skewed set of values. I don't need her company. I don't need her help. If you think about it objectively, have you ever gotten anything from your father that you really need, or are you still waiting to get that thing? Is it really ever coming? Even a lab rat stops pressing the lever at some point!
The funniest thing is that she actually said that our relationship is better now than ever! Now that I finally don't care if she lives or dies!
Plucky