Long Time No See

[steve]

Hello All:

I haven't posted in a long time, 6 months to be exact. It is not that I have found the magical cure to the suffering we all endure. Instead, it is because I have not had contact with my father for this period. And it has been wonderful. However, they are coming to visit, oh joy. For the last week I have been obsessing, have had difficulty sleeping, and have been performing poorly in all aspects of my life. It is as if I am expecting some catastrophic event to occur during his visit.

I am amazed at the power that I let him have over me. Generally, I am a very pleasant person to be around and people think quite highly of me. However, whenever he is around that all seems to shrink. I can not have an accomplishment which is worthy. Either it will be demeaned, or peppered with sarcasm, or I will be told how he has done the same thing better. Needless to say I have had self-esteem issues all my life despite some very impressive accomplishments.

It is only 8 hours until I see him again. I do not know how things will go. The last time we were together there were many confrontations which I initiated to let him know exactly what he has done to me. I do not know if this has had any effect. It will be interesting to see of he will be different this time. My mother tells me that he told her that he does not know what to say around me because of the way I act in response. He even came to tears at a few of our confrontations and I am not sure whether this was just him being emotional or if it is him being manipulative.

Anyways, I have a feeling that I will be posting frequently while they visit. And this bothers me. I want to attempt to ignore his actions and words as much as possible. I know that he can only influence me if I allow it. So this time I will attempt to be unaffected by him. I know that this will be a struggle, but I think that if I can manage to do this, he will lose all power over me. I think this is what you would term indifference. I hope that I can do it.

There are many traps that I need to watch out for:

One is feeling sorry for him and trying to make things better. This has been a great trick of his which I have fallen for many times.

The second is allowing his words to influence me and to feel that I need to respond. Instead I need to realize that his opinion is just that, an opinion. It is often skewed.

Third, I need to stop letting his actions mean anything to me personally. I need to realize that his behavior does not reflect on me and leave it at that.

Anyways, I know my life will be very different during the time of their visit. However, I have set a goal of finally letting this crap go. This message board has always helped to relieve some stress and I think I will continue to use it while he is visiting. Hopefully this time I can post and tell you how it feels to finally find my voice.

Steve

[moonlight52]

Steve ,

You are a hero to me wow oh wow line by line you understand everything .
And your dad sounds so much like mine.

When you do not take things he may say personally and just know it is his trip.That really helps .
What ever he says or does it is about him not who you are.
It is great the space the separateness is healing.

You will do great.And whether or not he sees you for who you are it just does not matter.
you  understand so much and do not need to prove anything to him.
So very, very happy you are well .
and doing good.

moonlight

[Certain Hope]

Dear Steve,

  You sound good and convinced!

We dealt with similar stuff here recently when my father-in-law came to visit. What jumped out at me as I watched the interaction between him and my husband was f-in-law's obvious driving need to "one-up" his son. Competition!
F-in-law tried every angle of towering over his son in supremacy and each time it simply fell flat. Why? Because my husband would not take up the challenge. He just let those "I am bigger and badder than you" remarks lie there.... powerless, irrelevant, moot.
That man does not define him. Your father does not define you. And you know... from my belief, you were a gift to your dad from God, for a season... to everything there is a season. You were an arrow in his quiver and e made an impression on you which has created numerous struggles in your life; but his time for choosing the target and aiming you in that direction is past.
Now you choose ahd you propel yourself in whatever direction suits your fancy.
You can do this and not be overcome by his NoNseNse.

Best wishes,
Hope

[WRITE]

welcome back- even though it's a dreaded visit prompted your return, look forward to reading your posts about coping with it!

[Stormchild]

Hang in there Steve, and welcome back!

remember - everything is a contest with Ns. you can 'let them win' or you can keep them out of the game ... but it's all work, hard work, and there's no real reward for any of it except when they go away again and you can sigh and roll your eyes and put your feet up.

this too shall pass. Just remember what you're dealing with, stay detached as much as you can, and keep your treasures [things that matter to you] safely locked away. I mean the emotional treasures. Be dull and boring about the stuff that really matters to you, and let the N have the stage all the time, if you can...

[Hopalong]

Hi Steve, good to hear you again.
I echo Jac's thought...

Please don't be distressed about feeling you may need support and propping-up during his visit, or anytime. That is a GOOD thing, that you acknowledge this.

Your coping with him is new enough that of course you may need an arm across your shoulders.

For Pete's sake, that's the mean thing about how men are treated in this culture. I'm delighted you're not having it!

We'll be here...you have your sisters and brothers here invisibly standing around you. Call on us anytime!

(((((Steve)))))

Hops

[Plucky]

Hi Steve,
glad you're back.  I just survived a visit from my N mum.  It went better than ever.  I just did not react to anything she said.  If, ok when, she insulted my decor, I just listened and thought, 'how rude'.   When she made egregious racist remarks, I just looked away and thought about something else.  When she sat me down to ask why I didn't want to give her a coin for some casino in some faraway country that we supposedly visited years ago (I have no recollection) as well as several other events she recalled in a much different version from mine, I just said I didn't remember, and when she insisted, I said she has her memories, I have mine, and we are not going to convince one another to change our memories, so let's just leave that in the past.  When she went on about how awful my sister is and lied about the things she has supposedly done, I turned around and did kitchen work.  When she spoke to me from the opposite end of the house to make me walk back again, I did not hear her.  When her conversation was out of line, I did not hear her, nor did I make eye contact.  When she started to talk about her will, I said I don't need to know, just let me know the name of her attorney.   When she said she was probably not going to live long, and started to tear up, I noticed something really interesting right outside the window and she made a mistake and looked!

I know it will take a long time before you can get away from all the horrible emotion he triggers in you.  Instead of trying to hold it in, try not to generate it.  This requires not really listening.  I finally realised that my mother has basically nothing I need or want.  I   don't want her money.  I don't want her sick kind of love.  I don't want her approval based on her skewed set of values.   I don't need her company.  I don't need her help.    If you think about it objectively, have you ever gotten anything from your father that you really need, or are you still waiting to get that thing?  Is it really ever coming?  Even a lab rat stops pressing the lever at some point!

The funniest thing is that she actually said that our relationship is better now than ever!  Now that I finally don't care if she lives or dies!

Plucky

[penelope]

hi steve,

glad you're doing well.  check in whenever you need to.  I'm rooting for you, I know it's hard dealing with an N parent.  You're great and you know it!  Don't let your Dad's opinion of you squash what you know you have - integrity and great respect for yourself.

hugs,
bean