Make it all go away!

[WRITE]

Is it worse for us who haven't been parented and loved enough- this wanting to be parented and loved now?

I feel like my heart is breaking on one level even though I can feel all this steel will developing ( steel will Portia, not steel wool! )

I've always had this secret fantasy from beign a tiny child that someone will pick me up and take care of me for a little while.

[Portia]

     (WRITE)
       \  /
        O
         l
        / \


I'm pretty rubbish at this but this is me trying to pick you up and cuddle you for a moment or two. Looks to me more like I'm waving a banner for you. ah well!

Is it worse for us? Sure.

Steel will (not wool! as in Brillo) kind of develops in line with knowing vulnerability too i think? Strange but I think the two go together: real will (without fear) also knows how fragile it all is.

Glad you're here Write. (((((((((((write))))))))))

[WRITE]

why thank you P, I wondered what you were doing to me!

I feel so much better today, it has to be this cuddle....

Sometimes I think I am absolutely nuts, things get so intense with me. That's the bipolar I guess.

PORTIA
\ /
 O
  |
  *
  /\

( you'll notice I have a bigger head than you and an as...terisk! )

[Brigid]

Write,
It sort of looks like your hanging Portia--but I'm sure that is not your intention.    

Is it worse for us who haven't been parented and loved enough- this wanting to be parented and loved now?

Yes, absolutely, no question. 

As much as I have loved being a parent to my children, and think that I have done a good job despite not having good role models--at times, I desperately want to let go and have someone just take care of me for awhile.  Not only did I have to parent myself as a child, then my children, but also my xnh for over 20 years, so it has felt like a life sentence. 

The struggle I have however, is that I don't want a partner who wants to take care of me, iow, parent me.  I want to be a strong, independent woman who is capable of taking care of herself if need be.  I don't want a man who wants a needy woman.  I want him to be supportive, kind, helpful, and understanding, and also willing to check my oil, climb ladders to change lightbulbs, or capture little critters that enter my living quarters.  I want him to appreciate the things I do--wash and fold his clothes, fix a nice dinner, or take his shirts to the cleaners--but not expect that I will do those things. 

The other struggle I have is being able to let someone take care of me.  My best friend had a similar childhood to my own.  She just had knee replacement surgery and will be laid up for the next few weeks.  I have offered to do things for her every which way I can, but like me, she can't accept others taking care of her.  She has a husband and 5 adult children who are helping her, but I can already see that she is trying to push herself to once again be the care giver, not the care taker.

So, I guess it comes down to finding a balance (which seems to be the case with almost everything in life).  Being able to ask and accept help and support when needed, but also be able find strength to get through difficult situations when needed.  Being able to find and feel love, while also being able to return that love in an adult to adult level--not as an adult to child (me being the adult, that is).  I deal with this daily, as I learn how to love a man who is an adult and does not need to be parented.  I admit that it has been difficult, but such a positive experience for me.

Brigid

[October]

Is it worse for us who haven't been parented and loved enough- this wanting to be parented and loved now?

I feel like my heart is breaking on one level even though I can feel all this steel will developing ( steel will Portia, not steel wool! )

I've always had this secret fantasy from beign a tiny child that someone will pick me up and take care of me for a little while.

Your words reminded me of these, which I wrote a few years back. 

Intimacy

Being at home
Knowing those around you.
Being accepted.
Feeling loved.

Sharing jokes.
Calling someone names.
Remembering.
Crying.

Standing by the staircase,
and being seen
and being whole
and unafraid

And I ask
'Can I come home now?'
and the man answers,
'If you want to you can.'

I want to go home.
I want to be accepted.
I want to stop it all.
Why don't I?

Then I say to the man,
'Show me who I am.'
And he smiles and walks to me
and puts his arms around me.

'You know who you are.' he says.
And I am very small
and I curl up and sleep,
and he holds me in the palm of his hand.

[penelope]

hi write, P, brigid and October,

It is a horrible feeling wanting to be parented, and at the same time wanting to be strong and independent, I know.

On the weekends, I've been breaking down and crying a lot since I started my therapy.  A couple weekends, the pain was so great, I cried harder than I ever have cried, and couldn't move, my body was limp, and my b/f took me and held me and cradled me and let me sob in his arms, and patted my hair and told me "it's going to be all right bean."

I guess even when we don't ask for it, someone can and will reach out to us if we let them.

hugs,
bean

[Hopalong]

if we let them

oh yes, Bean.

Bless you and bless your bf's heart.

Hops

[WRITE]

my b/f took me and held me and cradled me and let me sob in his arms, and patted my hair and told me "it's going to be all right bean."

I guess even when we don't ask for it, someone can and will reach out to us if we let them.

I'm not sure it's possible for me. I don't know how and no one ever tries, I must push them away or not show them vulnerability or something.

I think those early months of disconnect as a baby may have caused damage which can't be rewired. Maybe that's even what the bipolar is...

My mother told me I would never be cuddled as an infant, there was always 'something wrong with me'.

I certainly hug people but would I let someone take care of me? I never have before. I am afraid if I let go something catastrophic will happen. I couldn't wait to be old enough to be independent.

Maybe that's why my faith is so strong? G_d is the only 'being' I have ever relied on!

It's late and I'm tired, new job tomorrow and I am exhausted, think I'll go have a nice bath.

Hope you are feeling loved now Bean, you are.

*********

Wonderful poem October. All kids remember standing in the hallway or staircase don't they.

I am very small
and I curl up and sleep,
and he holds me in the palm of his hand.

That's the image I will take to bed, me curled in an outstretched palm which I will imagine is the hand of G_d.

I deal with this daily, as I learn how to love a man who is an adult and does not need to be parented.  I admit that it has been difficult, but such a positive experience for me.

I am still looking forward to meeting an adult male of the species ( if only Mudpuppy lived next door  )

hanging Portia--but I'm sure that is not your intention.

oh dear, I hope there's nothing Freudian about that! ( sorry P )

Goodnight, sweet dreams!

[Portia]

Write, please put your asterisk away! Haha Hey, if you’re nuts, I’m barmy, a complete barm-pot.

October, words from the heart,
 “and I curl up and sleep,
and he holds me in the palm of his hand”
reminds me of Suzanne Vega, Small Blue Thing http://www.suzannevega.com/lyrics/svlyr.htm#small with an excerpt.

Write
I am afraid if I let go something catastrophic will happen.

Fear? You won’t die, not now, if you let go of not being cared for. Not if you have those strong boundaries so you know where you stop and someone else begins.

Hey best wishes for the new job today. Hope all goes well!

I’ll just be ‘hanging around’ as usual…  

[WRITE]

I held someone else today, a new patient with Pick's disease who was very distressed, she talked to me and though she is considered incoherent it made perfect sense to me, she is unhappy and cannot understand it. The staff told me she is very difficult and it is unusual for her to respond, I didn't do anything except speak gently and with love.

She broke down and sobbed and I held her. Even incoherent people have a place where they can be reached.

So I can give love.

And the new job went extremely well and some visiting corporate people sent me a message saying they were very impressed with my work.

You won’t die, not now, if you let go of not being cared for.

what if I let go of being an island? What if I let someone care for me, what will happen then? What if I let down my boundaries, will someone move in on my soul like my ex did? Will it be a lifetime of extricating myself and dealing with the fallout? How will I cope with the emotions and potential rejection?

What if my mother is right and I am unloveable, not because of self-worth or anything like that, but simply neurologically incapable of letting anyone get that close without spiralling off into illness?

I’ll just be ‘hanging around’ as usual…

good!

[Portia]

((((((((((((((((((((((write))))))))))))))))))))

you are so lovable.

You did such a kind, wonderful act today with the woman. That counts as huge loving, giving, compassion....I'm in awe 

It's difficult to reach you via words on a screen but I hope you will know that you are lovable and loved write.

You kept your boundaries together today? You can do that when you want to, you can make that choice i think it's possible.

Strength and vulnerability go together...it's an odd thing I've realised only very recently, but I think it's true...

I know you talk about BP but - but - and I don't know you in 3D, but - as I've got to know you here - which was mainly getting past the great big sticks in my eyes - it doesn't make that much difference to the way I see you: whether it's you saying you're manic and talking fast and not reading too well, or whether it's you seeming somewhat down and clouded: it's still 'you', a whole you, to me. I hope that makes sense.

neurologically incapable? I doubt it. Still hangin' loose here

[Hopalong]

Hi Write,

Your loving containment of that woman's distress touches me beyond reason. (As it should.)

As to letting go and letting yourself be helped...I think it helps to realize if you do let the walls down when you eventually get close to someone trustworthy... you don't have to utterly dissolve into the naked shellless oyster of your vision.

You may have tough gristle as part of your naked flesh. I mean, you will reassemble even if sharing heavy grief, or shedding heavy loneliness, feels at that moment like breaking.

You really are okay, Write. I think you are very solid and I couldn't agree more with Portia...your extreme edges don't define you at all. They're weather. Write, yourself, you are earth.

And Portia, you have been writing the most compassionate, kind, and thoughtful things lately (as well as your norm, which is uber-smart). It is such a pleasure to read your brave brain with friendly arms sticking out of it.  

Now that I've graced each of you with such an unfortunate image (naked oyster, brain with appendage) I'm sure you're both delighted so now I'll exit, thread Write...

I MADE A PUN!

Hops

[WRITE]

Thanks Portia, S & S, Hop.

I hope you are right. I guess I am just starting to prepare myself as I find the rawness of getting closer to a real romantic love relationship very difficult. Oyster is a good description, I really am that grey flobby matter squirming around right now. I've touched on my most painful nerve here, and got right to the core of where everything went wrong.

Which is good. But what to DO next?

I always knew I should have been a nun...
Now that I can do- self denial and being kind.
When I was younger I did seriously consider it a few times, after I had my son I found I wasn't quite as patient as I thought I was though.

Thanks for seeing into the real me, I appreciate your looking for it beyond all the er weather.

Portia ( brave brain, extended arms )

              **
             ***
           /* ? *\
             ___,

              **
               |
               |
 _______  | ____________
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exit, thread Write...
sorry, can only go left! or is that right...

I opened Simple Abundance today and I'm a bit behind as ever but some way on track because this jumped off the page at me:

I have not withdrawn into despair,
I did not go mad in gathering honey,
I did not go mad,
I did not go mad,
I did not go mad.

Lebanese poet Hoda al-Namai

Sarah Breathnach goes on to say:

If you are determined to gather life's honey, to stick your hand into the hive again and again, to be stung so many times that you become numb to the pain, to persevere and persist till those who know and love you become unable to think of you as a fairly normal woman, you will not be called mad.

You will be called authentic.

[reallyME]

I have to agree that it is harder for people who haven't been nurtured or parented in a good way, as far as needing that as an adult...I know I DO.

I went through wanting the "perfect best friend" to discovering that I really needed a mom.  I now have a spiritual Mom who lives in another state, but who is wonderful to me.  She has issues she is working on though, as well...I think I have come to see that we ALL do.  I love her dearly, and when I go visit her, she DOES hold me and pray over me and sing to me.  She had a rough time raising her own bipolar biological daughter, so when I came along, it was as though God was sort of giving her another chance at being a Mom again.  I am pretty much friends with her daughter too, so there is no jealousy there between any of us.  It's just a really nice situation, that started back in 2001...on the internet, believe it or not.

~RM

[Hopalong]

 
So glad you found a loving friendship and maternal love...

that's great, RM. You were aching for it.

Hops