Was going to type and post this some time ago and have been reminded of it. I found recognising reciprocal relationships very difficult. I found this chapter difficult to really understand, emotionally. This is just an excerpt.
From “Why is it always about you?” by Sandy Hotchkiss, Chapter 13:
Cultivate reciprocal relationships
You might want to…seek environments … in which differences between people are recognised and accepted, healthy boundaries are maintained, and expectations are clear and realistic.
If you come from a narcissistic family, you will have to work especially hard to accomplish these goals. … You may feel unworthy of relationships in which people actually value and respect you, and you may be unfamiliar with the rhythms of reciprocity. Do not despair. With insight, effort, and self-control, you can overcome these obstacles from your childhood and live in health…..
Choosing healthy friends and lovers is a good place to begin..
What is a reciprocal relationship?
1. In a reciprocal relationship, each person contributes something and each person benefits in some way. The contributions and benefits need not be spelled out or exactly equal, but it is important that each person feels he or she is receiving good value in exchange for what is offered.
2. There is flexibility in the roles of giver and taker. Whether it is an unspoken intuitive understanding, a formal contract, or something in between, there is a mechanism by which each person knows when to give and when to receive. Over the course of the lifetime of the relationship, both parties have a sense of fairness about this aspect of their interactions.
3. Both parties are able to feel valued for their contributions and to express appreciation for what is received.
4. Separateness and boundaries are valued on both sides. In the event of conflict, both parties attempt to work out their differences with respect for one another’s feelings and points of view.
5. There is no need to ‘keep score’. Scorekeeping – keeping track of who’s done what and who ‘owes’ whom – is an indicator that someone feels the relationship is not reciprocal or has difficulty with the sometimes irregular flow of give and take.
If you come from a relatively healthy family, many of these considerations are probably second nature to you. While you may have some buttons that get pushed from time to time (no one’s ‘wonder years’ were perfect), you are less likely to project and distort and probably less vulnerable to resonating with the projections of others. In short, you probably have pretty good boundaries and little need to live in a fantasy world.
Where those who have been exposed to excessive narcissism in their early years may have inherited an internal prism, you may be fortunate enough to have little that obstructs you from reading or hearing others accurately. Because you have a realistic view of yourself (both strengths and weaknesses) and the ability to empathise, you can ‘put yourself in others’ shoes’ and see them in a balanced way. Your personal life is relatively free of interpersonal strife because you tend to choose relationships with other healthy people.
