Thank you so very much for your kind and thoughtful replies. Reading through them this morning caused a number of AHA moments for me – and this is a good thing.
Write – you mention distorted reality in your family, I think this is one of the biggest hurdles for me to overcome. One example: when I was six I developed a lump about half the size of an egg on my neck below my ear. When I showed my mother she became hysterical – after I went to bed I overheard her crying and sobbing to my father that I had cancer -- not that I knew what that was, but it sure didn't sound like it was going to be fun). A couple of days later I was taken to the doctor (by this time I was sure I was dying). As it happens, the reception room was full and after an hour of her being steaming mad at being made to wait, she waltzed me back into the car and home again. No more was said or done about that lump – it eventually went away – lucky me. Years later I asked her why she never took me back to the doctor – she looked at me as if I had grown another head and said she had NO clue what I was talking about. I actually considered the possibility that I was insane for remembering so very vividly this event that according to nMom did not actually occur. I am sure she was gaslighting, but it is a sometimes a struggle for me to believe my own memory. I wonder how you learn to trust yourself.
Pennyplant – yes! Understanding cause and effect – that is exactly what I am trying to do. For example, I think I have been abused in many friendships because of the Caretaker role I was assigned in my family – I don't want to sound like Cinderella, but my “value” to the family was in being maid, cook, babysitter and the person who took care of all unpleasant tasks that the adults did not care to deal with such as going to the vet with an old or ill pet that had to be humanely euthanized. I received praise and attention only when I made their lives easier – operant conditioning at its finest, LOL! As an adult, I seem to be a magnet for people who know which of my buttons to push to make their lives easier. Write a university paper for you? Here you go! Take care of your dog for two weeks over Christmas while you are on vacation? No problem! Loan you my gas bbq which I know I will not get back for months until you are finished with it? Here I'll drive it down to you! This summer I decided to cut ties with one parasitic “friend” and having her out of my life has been a stress reducer. I will read your past postings on friendships Pennyplant – it's certainly an area of my life that needs work. There is a great deal more I want to say about my friendships with women. I need to do some reflecting on this before I write it down.
Thank you for your advice on resources, Stormchild – I live in a very rural area and while I know there is an AA in the town closest to us, I am not sure about any other types of support. I know I will not see our town's only therapist again. I will be ordering the Patricia Evans book – having some insight into crazy-making behaviours would be most helpful.
Hi Hopalong – there are times I am pretty good at emotional detachment from nMom. However, if I stray too far from the fold there will be an “occurrence.” As I mentioned, she is 90 (could easily pass for 70) and lives on her own in a large rural home. My husband and I take care of most home maintenance, lawn care and lots of general stuff that she wants done at least once per week, usually more often. However if something does not get done on her timetable, there will likely be an injury as she will covertly do the task herself. The injury could be a fall from a chair while storing pots on the top cupboard, pulled back muscles from raking leaves for several hours, asthma attack from using the weedwacker, etc. I know it sounds insane that the woman would risk a serious injury doing unnecessary tasks – but I believe it is her way of punishing me for not attending to her “needs” sooner. It has become exponentially worse since my father's passing (his role was to attend to such things immediately). The guilt involved in taking your 90 year old mother to the hospital and explaining to the doctor she was pruning a tree and a large branch hit her on the head requiring several stitches – and the look you get from the doctor (“why would you not hire someone to do that for her you ungrateful daughter) – well, let's just say that the guilt I feel when she injures herself doing things she has no business doing is incredible. BTW, money to hire outside helpers would not be an issue – she is very well off. If I were to divorce my nMom and sister -- walk away from my family forever -- I believe in my heart there would be a very, very serious occurrence. And I know I'm going to Hell for anticipating the time when I do not have to deal with her any longer.
Hi Penelope! An example of shame I feel is not protecting my nephews from ending up like my sister and I. While I certainly had my share of challenges growing up, I was in fact, the lucky one. I decided to leave home as soon as possible and married while in my late teens. My younger sister could not escape – her role was the Chosen One. She was an absolutely beautiful child and my mother appreciates nothing as much as physical beauty. She was groomed from the day she was born to be a combination of my mother's younger clone, best friend and toy poodle who could do a repetoire of parlor tricks. She slept in my parent's bed until she was 11, was controlled to the most extreme degree and was never permitted to have a thought of her own. She has made her life a mirror of my mother's. Lived at home until she was 38 / never dated / met and married a passive man who would not stand up to her / had two children at exactly the same age as my mother had us (40 and 43) and is grooming one to be the Chosen One and one to be the Caretaker. It is very sad. My husband and I have discussed this at length on numerous occasions (he clearly sees what is happening and often notes things as an “outsider” that I had trouble seeing). However, ANY suggestion that nMom is less than perfect, that we were not from a normal, stable, loving family, that Sis really should consider therapy, etc. would be met with an aggressive response. She is a pitbull when it comes to defending her mommy and it worries us a great deal that she is in a denial about nMom's capabilities and age. She often leaves her children (3 and 5) with nMom alone for hours while she is working and even overnight. Even though nMom is physically and mentally able, there is just something so wrong with this – what would happen to those poor kids if Gramma had a stroke or just did not wake up one morning? Oh yes, Gramma has told me on many occasions that the Chosen One is her favourite (she indulges him terribly) and the Caretaker is “hard-headed” (she ignores him). I really do worry for those two children – I feel powerless to help them and it is a source of great guilt and shame for me.
With best wishes to all,
Mariposa
