New to posting...trying to find my voice

[fraidycat]

Hi Everyone,
    I feel like I know most of you (You don't know me) I've been reading the board for some time now (It's really helped me feel less alone). I've had a hard time joining in because I don't know where to begin. I can relate to just about everyone here and have learned a lot.  I don't know how to just jump in with out writing a novel. I'll try to begin... so here goes (I'll try to be brief)...I'm one of five children, three girls two boys  I thought our life was normal I just didn't understand how abusive my family was until I started to raise my own family but  there were definitely clues along the way.. Nmom (pathetic vindictive type) always favored my older sister who I believe is a full blown explosive n. and has always hated my younger sister... who was the main target but not the only one. Younger sister has a lot of n-traits (She talks non-stop about herself and her family even if she knows there is something life shattering going on in your life, unless... you bring up the problem) but I don’t believe she an n (she shows empathy). And I am the monkey in the middle (sometimes targeted and other times they tried to lure me into the favored and evil side,  My older sister has always hated my younger sister (mom's orders! ) they ganged up on her all through childhood, if I tried to stand up for what I thought was right and defend her I was the target. If I acted as If I was going along ...rewards..  So I just faked an act of acceptance until I could console her. I just acted numb long enough to fool them. (This went on from elementary school through high school and beyond) eventually nsister caught on (then later nmom) and cut me out of her/their life. Unless she/or nmom (God they are soooo enmeshed!) needed a family show or something. (Wedding etc.) While this was going on nmom had the advantage because my dad traveled a lot and may not have seen what was going on (there were some signs he did but I’ll save that), my two younger brothers were oblivious to everything in younger years but eventually she (n-mom) managed to slander y-sis (and now me) to them and to all the neighbors and relatives and y-sis (and now I) had/have no support at all. Now after all these years later making stand after stand for her (younger sister’s) acceptance into the family I have become the main target. To make it worse I now realize that one of my brothers is an n too. I caught him in a lie about my younger sister meant to make her look really bad (he said he didn’t invite her to his wedding because she never called to congratulate him on his engagement)...Truth is he never told her he had gotten engaged!!!!!!!!! .. She heard about it from nmom and she called him anyway but he hung up on her and he told her it was because she had the nerve to call him during his dinner (at 9 pm) and he hangs up on everyone who calls when he is eating including me!!!! (NOT!!!)   I confronted him on it. HE swore that it never happened HE swore she hung up on him . He lied even though I had two e-mails written by him to y-sis that proved beyond a doubt he was lying I mean RED HANDED one said what’s the matter still mad I hung up on you the other stated yes I hung up on you why can’t you get over it. (These were carbon copied so it looked as if they were sent to me too during a family e-mail gang up session against y-sis but they were never sent to me she forwarded them to me .) When I forwarded them to him and asked for an explanation… he responded with more lies, rage, false accusations insults. Hubby confronted him and he twisted everything around on me. .He said I was raging on him I insulted him I owed him an apology etc… I always suspected he was like nmom and nsis  but didn't want to believe it (Even his kindergarten teacher was concerned about his lying) He lies all the time but I couldn’t afford another loss.  Did I say I’d try to be brief? Well bottom line.. I didn’t show for nbrothers wedding my cousin that I like (the n’s always slandered her and her family until they found out we were getting close now she’s their new best friend) tried to help me she saw there was a problem and I made the mistake of telling her how abusive these people are and trying to explain NPD, well I should have known better now she won’t talk to me either. I feel like I have no one left (youngest bro is in the service and doesn’t want to get involved) My Husband and kids don’t always understand they feel I’m pushing everyone away (even though they know how wacky my family is)… and you know what in away I am, but they pushed first and I just cant handle abusive people anymore.  My kids have only had supervised visits with my family...since childhood, and I’ve broken away from spending the holidays and we have had less contact with them in recent years. My Kids resent not seeing their cousins. I feel bad for that I wish I could make them understand. In some ways they do but general consensus is why can’t we all just get along!  I don’t even know what I’m asking for…acceptance, understanding, advice any feedback ….it’s all good.  Sorry this was so long.
                                                                                       
                                                                                         Fraidycat

[gratitude28]

Fraidy! How wonderful to hear from you and hear some of your story. You know, I think I also didn't realize how screwed up my family was until I had mine. What a good point!!!!! I guess you have to see something healthy to realize what sickness looks like.
I also think you are doing the right thing... separating from them. I tell my husband things in bits and pieces. He knows how I feel about them and that I want them in my life as little as possible. Did your husband come from a healthy background? Can he see how messed up your family is?
Gotta go.
Love, Beth

[moonlight52]

Welcome Fraidycat, 

Sounds like weddings are difficult for a lot of people.
Also you must have faced and overcome some challenges already .
Posting that was hard for me I posted at first on the other side of the board I was very scared.
I am sure glad you have posted ,and feel good about being here.It's a great place for healing .

Love to you,

MoonLight

[penelope]

hello fraidyc,

well, if you're afraid someone might recognize you in your descriptions, you could always delete your posts after awhile (have to be logged in to do that, which you are now - no longer a guest).  I did that when I first started posting as I was very much afraid of the backlash of having "told" the world (even if anonymously) the Truth about my family.

Your family sounds a lot like mine and I'm glad you found your way here. 

Separating emotionally and with distance is a very good thing for you. 

I'm sorry your hubby does not always or completely understand, but you know what you must do and I sense you're doing it, so that's good.  The more distance you put between yourself and these toxic people the better off everyone in your family will be.  That is one thing I'm sure of, having done it myself.  You can respond with "I'm taking a break now, I need to sort this out." or "until I'm strong I've initiated no/little contact."

I've recently started opening up a bit with people and I'm finding its quite common not to talk to family members for years.  I have a coworker who told me she didn't speak to her father (or mother, who was enabling him) for 7-8 years, and only started speaking to them again when she was in her 40s.  She found her Dad easier to deal with as he'd gotten on some sort of medication, and also in that time she because stronger and wiser too.

You did not talk too much, please get it all out.  I am listening.

hugs,
p bean

[Overcomer]

Fraidy:  You rant on, girl!!!  This is a safe place to get it out.  WE understand.  Most of us have been there in one way or another.  Some with parents, some spouses, some bosses.................it's the parent thing that hurts the most because it takes YEARS to figure out that there is something wrong.  For so many years the finger is pointed at you (ME) and then suddenly, you wake up and realize that you are not the problem at all!!!!!!~!

You have said that I am strong..................boy, go back and read some posts I wrote in 04..............this is a process.  I have been going to al-anon and it has helped me a lot in the last couple of weeks because it exposes how we react to dysfunction.  WE are the ones who have to change because THEY won't.  I have tried and tried and tried to force my square peg mother into my round hole.  It just won't work.  Better to act nice, avoid confrontation and get on with life!!!!!

So don't be afraid - we are here with you.  You can rant and rave all you want!!!  We will give you counsel!!

Kelly

[WRITE]

hi fraidycat, welcome, glad you've been around and really glad you posted.

This is a neat support group.

Families are a real pain even without Nism, sorry your kids are upset.

[fraidycat]

WOW!! Thank You All for your warm welcome! I was crying when I read your posts, I think this is the most support I've gotten in my life... thank you for listening and understanding. You don't even know me yet you show more care and compasion for me and my family than I will ever see from my crazy FOO. I've known for a long time that I can't count on them for anything I can't trust them at all I have to find everything out for my self. Even when my Aunt (She was my God mother and Dad's sister) died about a month ago nmom never called me or y-sis. I did recieved an e-mail from my cousin but I don't check my mail everyday she knows this. When I called my cousin she wanted to know if I was coming to the funeral with nmom, nsis and nbro because they had made arrangements to ride down together.(unfortunatly we all live pretty close)  I called nmom (I was very mad but I did't show it, I just couldn't belive she would withhold something like that from me!) and asked her if she had informed everyone in the family that Aunt had passed. She insisted YES OF COURSE I DID! I reminded her she didn't call me and wanted to know if y-sis had been called she admitted that she had'nt called but said y-bro had talked to her and she knew about Aunt. I told her I would call y-sis and make sure she knew... n-mom got so insulted and yelled.... well you don't have to!!! Y-bro all ready told her I am sure of that!!! I knew she was lying. When I called y-sis she had no clue......... she said she had talked to y-bro the day BEFORE Aunt died.(y-bro confirmed that). I just had to let it go.. She knew I would find out she was lying (I have to check on her every word and move) she was just trying to bate me. She was probably hoping I wouldn't find out about the funeral on time so I would look bad. It's just so sick. This is the kind of thing other people just don't understand thats why its so nice to have a place like this where people do. (Hows that for a rant Kelly...you guys got me to come out of my shell... bet your ready to shove me right back in.....HAha)

       Beth you asked If Hubby came from a healthy back ground. Yes He has 4 brothers all married the family is normal (well not to sure about one bro and sil..real attention seekers) but for the most part yes. Part of the problem is nmom lives two blocks from mil they have known eachother for over 30 years...not real close though. I'm just afraid nmom will start working on maligning me to hubbys side she knows all of his brothers pretty well but I don't think they run into eachother very often. And I'm also afraid if they find out I'm not getting along with three family members they will think I am hard to get along with (nmom really turns on the charm infront of hubbys family they think she is so nice..puke) I have told a few sil that I don't spend holidays with family because of all the fighting. Hubby does see that my family is screwed up but I don't think he see's the full extent of it but he does notice how much things have calmed down since we've had limited contact.

      Penelope thanks its nice to know I can delete if I'm reconized. I think I was just being a little paranoid because I mentioned to y-sis that I had been reading posts from a npd support and how much it helped. I even suggested she do the same and gave her a group address (a different one) even if she found this group but I dont think she would say anything to the family. And you are so right about keeping the distance it has done me a world of good I can think straight again that not just good for me but my family too.
     

      S+S   The point you brought up about N being A choice scares me the most.I was starting to see them conditioning my kids... I couldn't take it!! I didn't even know what N was when I started pulling them away they were young at the time (now 13 yrol daughter and 17 yrold son.). I'lls I could think was there is no way I'm going to let MY kids turn out like that!! I have to get them away from this crap. But Ngramdma spoils them with presents (they hate nsis so thats no problem except they like her kids) and they think nbro is cool, he he says grown up things and curses all the time  like its normal in front of them, I think he makes them feel more grown up. But your right we do have normal things in our lives Church, Scouts kids are in school clubs we have hubbys family and that does help.

      Well I just want to thank all of you again you've made me feel so welcome   Fraidycat

[pennyplant]

Hi Fraidycat,

I'm glad you took the chance and started posting.  It makes such a difference just having a place to say these things.  And people to say them to.  And the different experiences and situations are helpful to read about.  Even if it doesn't match your specific situation, it still can resonate and teach you something.  This is the place that has helped me more than anything else.  And in a pretty short time too.

Just keep going and over time you will find your voice.

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Fraidy,
I hear your voice, so glad you're here....

I am so sorry your mom isn't able to be good to you.
All those broken people, but you're stepping out of the pattern.

GOOD for you.
Your life can change. It really can.

(((((Fraidy)))))

Hops

[fraidycat]

Hi PP ans Hops,

Thank you for helping me feel so welcome its nice to be able to let some of this stuff out without being judged, feeling like I have to defend myself or over explaining because people don't get it. When I try to talk about the problems I have with my family to people who haven't experienced abuse they a give me a confused questioning look that reads You must be leaving something out or be doing something to prevoke this.  What's really hard about my situation is that it's three against one...who would you beleive? I always look like the bad guy or the one who's not being honest because they have one another for back up. It's frustrating I don't even have to be around the N's for this to happen they whisper behind my back. I'm so sick of them turning people against me they are trying to issolate me and it's working. I know I have to work harder at making new friends... a new family but its not coming easily.

PP Your right it does make a big difference being able to talk about this and it amazes me that people have such simular experiences, I have learned so much from advice that was meant for someone else. When I first learned what N was  there was no mistaking.. it IS what's wrong with mom and sis (then bro).  I read as much as I could about N's and that  helped me to understand. But after reading other peoples stories... that's what really helped to deepen the understanding, reinforced compassion and helped me relize I don't have to go through this alone.

Thanks again to everyone for welcoming me...and Hops I'm so glad I'm here too!! thanks for hearing my voice.

Fraidycat

[penelope]

hey fraidycat,

just wondering if you wanted to check back in.  Still listening.  I agree with hops, your voice is wonderful.   

p bean

[fraidycat]

Thanks P bean

Speaking out and having such a kind caring responce was so validating but then this over whelming feeling of unworthiness just put me in shut down.  I feel that I don't deserve to have anyone care about me... and I know thats crap its just hard wired in. I'm not sure how to get rid of that. Something to work on.

I try not to think too much about my FOO because its taking too much of my focus off of my family (the ones that deserve it) but the thoughts of them  just seem to creep back in. I wish I could forget about them completely and just move on...but I know I cant just avoid the issues I have to work through them thats been hard for me the progress is there but its going much too slow.

I ordered a couple of books that have been recommended, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Children of the Self Absorbed" Now I just have to find the time to read them. It's hard for me to do something for myself but I know that has to change.

Thanks for listening.

Fraidycat

[Hopalong]

Hi Fraidy,
It's okay to just post simple, smaller things too, now and then...maybe it would feel good to just know that there is a place where you're always welcome.

It doesn't always have to be the whole gut-wrenching enchilada all at once.

I bet your first post was draining for you.

Happy Halloween (me, I'm hiding indoors avoiding the little monsters...)

Hops

[fraidycat]

Hi Hops,

You know what, I think your right. Everytime I think about posting if feel a little anxious and it doesn't have be that way..smaller steps. Thanks Hops!

Fraidtcat

[Hopalong]

You're welcome (in every sense). 

(((((((Fraidy))))))

Hops