Anxiety - overcoming a chokehold

[Hopalong]

Hi GS,
Forgive me playing armchair analyst? I was thinking, when I asked you the question, "What's in it for me, staying paralysed?" that this might be a possible answer--though only you know if it has a ring:

Staying paralysed means I never risk being like him.

The reason I mention it is that my dad was undiagnosed mild OCD--a perfectionist, hyperattentive to detail (a cartographer, which was perfect). Through Mom's genes I inherited great anxiety. I idolised my Dad and wanted to be like him, but I was phobic about math, money, paperwork, financial planning, etc. (He did all of it, for all of us...I wasn't empowered by being taught to manage it myself). It's been a bloody battle with myself for many years to gradually, gradually, teach myself that I can do these things without panic attacks. And I normally dealt with that anxiety through paralysis and depression. What I got out of it was,

Staying paralysed means I never risk doing anything imperfectly [and disappointing my father].

He happened to be a very sweet person who wouldn't have shamed me intentionally, but I had still internalized by osmosis the message that you don't do anything like that unless you do it compulsively and perfectly.

So that's why I thought if you looked for your own answer, or answers, to that question (just the siimple, basic emotional ones), you might possibly find some key.

Hope it's helpful, ignore if not!

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hops
I think this has some application for me.  Right now I am still so very overloaded with the anxiety even with the medication.  I don't have the strength to look into myself very far.  I am working on the minute to minute fears that bombard me.  With the medication I am able to use the positive mind tools that I recently acquired before this recent onset of extra crippling anxiety.

I choose to believe that I am dealing with all this now because I am ready.  As you may have noticed I haven't been around much lately only because everything seems more difficult than before.  To use my favorite analogy - I am starting over - learning how to live from the bottom up, taking baby steps.  So for now I am concentrating on very basics - planning and preparing meals and getting clothes in order.  Slowly taking on one or two items of paper work.

I haven't had the energy for the dialogues that I have so loved here.  But I do so hope that my strength will gradually build.  I do want so much to get back to work and have a fairly regular schedule.

Thank you so much for keeping up with me and not giving up because of my slow response time.  I'm still here just a little quieter and a little less frequent in visits for now. - your friend - Gaining Strength

[IamNewtoMe]

Gaining Strength,

Hi.  I just wanted to say thanks for this thread. it is one of the reasons I started taking a closer look at my own anxiety and its relationship to my feelings of paralysis. 

When (or if) you feel like sharing, I would be curious to know which anxiety med you are taking, as i am researching them for myself. No pressure to share of course.  Only if you want to.

I am glad to hear that you are able to take baby steps of progress.  Sometimes those feel like the most challenging ones to take.  Hang in there.

[Hopalong]

NO worries, GS, I'm really glad you're putting your primary energy where it needs to be.
For me, looong posts here are outstanding for helping me identify and articulate what I'm ready to work on...then they get shorter as I use the energy directly in my life.

And then I can come back for another deep layer.
It's wonderful, how that works.

Hope you're SO being friendly to yourself.

Your friend,
Hops