Hi Condeezi, welcome.
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The phrase 'functioning alcoholic' wasn't one I heard until I emigrated from England, but it is the most damaging situation for a child. At least if parent is falling over and trashing their life there's some kind of confirmation things aren't right and a consensus of external condemnation on some level.
Where I grew up people would go out and drink 10 pints of beer a night after a day's work, then get up for work next day apparently none the worse for it, but of course they were totally emotionally stulted and unavailable. And it was all one big joke, 'he can handle his beer'/ 'she likes a drink'. They were numb but because they could walk or drive home drunk and keep putting food on the table, that's okay then.
I even went on to develop the same patterns myself. But we raised our son with a much greater trust in his own perception, and it wasn't long before he was feeding back to me that I was a liar and he didn't trust me when I drank. 'You say you're not drunk mum' he once said. 'You think I can't tell if someone's drunk?'
I battled with it for years, always trying to control it, mostly succeeding but always the threat it would get out of hand and I'd get sick ( I have bipolar 1 disorder ) so now I don't drink at all.
It took my son months before he would believe me and trust me about it, but it is simple really, once I was prepared to accept it:
Once you've had a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol you can't go back to being a low-level drinker without this never-ending internal battle.
That tension is unbearable for people around you, and the knowledge that you don't love them enough to give up...even for your kids who need you.
Compound this with 'I don't care enough to work on myself other ways either' and it makes for one mess of a family. The anger and fear and lack of life-tools just passes from generation to generation.
I am so sorry your sister killed herself. It's often hardest for the eldest child, trying to compensate, or feeling guilty, even being the failed hope of their parents.....
i know there was considerable lying by both ex's about the reasons for our breakups - damage control i suppose
it's unhealthy. 'Damage control' can be healthy, as in, 'all this happened and I can't forget it but I want to maintain a relationship at the level we can all cope with'. Lying is just more dysfunction and lack of love and respect.
why do they do this to me and how do i deal with it. my friends tell me to let it go, that i wouldn't want them in my life anyway if they are so cold. thanks
well you have already been conditioned to sidestep your reality and accept another person's even if you know in your heart it's wrong. But there's part of you wants to engage them honestly like you wanted to engage your parents as a child, like you want to do your other positive relationships now. They are triggering your past pain and rejection I guess, as well as adding to it with their coldness.
My son was furious with me when I drank- I think if I hadn't taken care of it he would eventually have cut me out of his life when he is older, and that is what I did with my mother when her behaviour was so cold and inappropriate.
But then I kept letting other people into my life who treated me the same, and I kept trying to reach them instead.
It was only when I had therapy here with a good psychologist I really unravelled that and started to heal.
It's the intensity of the pain throws us off too, Condeezi, being that helpless rejected frightened child in the face of extravagant selfish sometimes dangerous behaviour was so terrible, when we trigger it even a little there's a huge stress response, adrenalin and cortisol and panic and fear. It's trauma.
That's why it's hard to let it go, because you are sensng deep down it's something more than just 'oh some people were mean to me, forget them!' As others here have said- to heal you have to grieve your losses and be kind to yourself now, rebuild that part which other people neglected and abused and damaged in you.
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