"aren't you posting...because things aren't happy"

[Anonymous]

Maybe to start with.

Then it was to learn.

And then to accept, which I did through good therapy in the US

Then come up with a longer-term plan.

It is a process of deciding something went terribly wrong and working out when and how and what to change.

But it is majorly important to me personally that having had my life taken over temporarily by others' mental illness/ personality disorder in both childhood then later, I now came to my own resolution and in my own way and time.

There are no sound-byte solutions to families.
Love is paramount to remain human.
People who forget that are in trouble, no matter how angry or bitter or hurt.

THIS IS MY LIFE is a phrase which I think time and again. It is my mantra.

I may be a mother, a wife, a daughter and many other relationships- but it is up to me how I choose to deal.
If I choose to sacrifice some of my life to take care of those who need me, or to help others, or to put myself first sometimes, to balance my needs with the needs of those around me- whatever I choose to do is my decision.
And so long as I harm no one, it is not for anyone else to tell me I ought to do different, or to try to influence me, even 'in my own interests' or assuming that 'just now I'm blind, but then I'll see'....

"No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow" Alice Walker

Well I could only grow when it was me doing the sowing and the reaping.

It worked.

First I found my voice, and it was a faltering whisper, and I didn't feel fully entitled to it, and doubted it often.

Then I heard echoes down the corridors of my past which were the resonances of the true me, and they grew, and multiplied.

Harmony. My choir.

Now I trust my inner voice, and listen to it, and sometimes, when it seems appropriate or necessary I can shout across the rooftops, or equally speak almost silently but clearly.

In MY OWN VOICE.

I don't need someone to tell me how to treat the mentally sick in my life, I don't need someone to tell me how to raise my children, I don't need to know if you approve of me, like me or that deepest darkest of truths: can you ever love me?

Because here I am, whole, survived, a good mother, a persistant wife in an unconventional and often unsatisfying marriage, where people are nevertheless mainly happy, and a successful writer.

VIVE LE VOIX!

If I post it is to comfort or share with others who are on the same journey. To BE WITH THEM. To offer practical information. But mostly to let them know that whatever you suffer, you endure. And however painful, however difficult, all experience is the sum of who we are. And the best people I have met in life had some of the the worst experiences.

FIND YOUR VOICE and look to your future, however far away it may seem today.

Human growth isn't what happened, it's what happens next.

[Anonymous]

Thank you Guest, you've seen into my soul.
Karin.

[lynn]

Dear friend,

I loved reading your post.  I agree about choice.  Living with or loving an N is something we choose to do or not.  There are so many good and bad things in life.  There is something to be said for taking your life and choosing to make it as good as possible.  Choosing to contribute and love and live (with your own voice) in the best way you can.  

I wonder if the grass is greener on the other side?  Recently, I have wrestled with that question every minute. I do not think I can stay with my N husband.  He's not violent,  He doesn't fool around with other women... but he does fit the typical N profile in many other ways.  He completely lacks empathy and uses words in a manipulative and insidious manner. He lives for his own story.  He uses me to support that story.

But I guess the reason I am writing now is to say that I chose to live with him for several decades.  A portion of that time was horrible.  An ongoing, underlying current that I only now recognize for what it is.  Yet, all of it was not bad.  Our family has had many wonderful times.  I have incredible memories of raising our children.  

Perhaps you are correct... finding your voice, understanding your own boundries and claiming the phrase "THIS IS MY LIFE" may be the real tools to discovering your own personal freedom and fulfillment regardless of how imperfect the relationships you are in.

My best, lynn

[lynn as guest]

Jacmac,

I hope that I did not insult you with my post.  My reason for responding to Guest was that I am in a similar place in my thoughts.  My thinking seems to move in a circle sometimes.  Without having read the original thread, I could relate to the feelings of the writer.  And I wanted to be able to let her know that I understand her thinking.

At the same time Jamac, I hear your voice and value your feelings.

I'm relatively new to this board.... and learning about all of you and reading your experiences is incredibly imporant to me.  Because we are all in different stages of thought and growth, we can share and support with our own life experience.  If things feel shaky, I read the new posts on this board and find strength.

I am sending good wishes to you and Karen and guest today.

lynn

[Anonymous]

Jacmac, I agree. 'Aspire'. Aspire to allow other people to express their voices. Allow other people to start a new topic or thread if they want to without you suggesting that they are trying to silence you. Why would you immediately impute such negative motives, and then broadcast it. The person who create this new topic connected with me, and the nature of this new topic was presented beautifully, with a depth and understanding I could relate to. It was worthy of being a new topic. And even if it wasn't, in your opinion, it was her right. You never made one positive comment about. Not one. I read you talking about listening and encouraging others to develop their voices. But not much actual follow through here. Only when it agrees with your opinions. I felt that your response in this new topic had an element of diminishing that, and a hint of needing your post to be the centre again. That's fine and it also is your right, even though it's all about you, can't you see. I haven't come across many parents here who's main prioity isn't their children. That's another reason why they post. Feedback. I also feel that you believe yourself to be some self-appointed voice of our children. 'Me thinks she doth protest too much." Sorry, but I do. I read your story about the shame you introduced to your daughters life when you had the affair with the married man. The conversation you had in the car with her. I've been that daughter, shamed by my mother in the same way, and she spoke about it with me too, but she doesn't know to this day what it really felt like, or how it affected me so deeply. I agree, with what you said, quote ' Make your own choices, allow others to do the same, and allow them to speak of it, even if it might be totally contrary to what you have chosen.' I humbly suggest that you practice what you preach.

LOL

Guest.

[Anonymous]

and it's not what we are taught.

Me posting about my experience shouldn't detract from yours. But there is such an element of overthrow-patriarchal competitiveness in our worlds that we see warfare where there need be none. where there is none.

THREE RULES FOR REALLY GOOD LIVING:

*do not take the power from anyone, in daily life, on the internet, in your dreams....cultivate a morality of equality and minimal-judgementalism
( based on the no-harm principle )

*treat all children well. Give to them. Allow yourself to be a sacrificial parent. Do not act out your frustrations on any child.

*take responsibility for yourself. Work hard, even when it is very hard. Let go of your comfort-zone. Be the best you can be, and cultivate friends who understand and will enable that. Get help when you need it. Let go of relationships which are too demanding.

[seeker]

Hi all,

Just popping in to reply to Lynn.  She wrote:

but he does fit the typical N profile in many other ways. He completely lacks empathy and uses words in a manipulative and insidious manner. He lives for his own story. He uses me to support that story.

Thank you for articulating exactly the nature of the Nness I struggle with.  The major N I formerly dealt with was this, plus a rageaholic behind closed doors.  No horrific physical or sexual abuse, just a Class A-1 Emotional Abuser.  There continues to be features of this in other members of my life, but this describes the Number 1 Devil to a tee.

I'll sign off for now.  This thread seems to contain more than I can address meaningfully.  Thanks.  Seeker