Divorce

[WRITE]

ok, I talked to ex again, he has been dragging on the divorce because he has some kind of emotional block about proceeding, I asked what he saw as our alternative & he says he doesn't have one.

I told him I want to file asap also a Marital Settlement Agreement at the same time.

What I wasn't anticipating is how draining it is filling in and looking over those forms! And how it brings it home how I will be totally alone, not partially. Especially as ex said yesterday he doesn't think he can be friends any more when I divorce him- ironic really!

Tell me I'm doing the right thing. I know I am but it's weird it feels negative when I know it's positive....

[Hopalong]

You are, honey. You are doing the right thing.
This is a hard step but you know it opens a door for you.

Don't panic, don't be afraid.
You are making space for yourself at last.

It's night-time, that's hard sometimes.
But tomorrow is going to come and you'll be here.

He is not your only friend.

(((((((((Write)))))))))))

Hops

[October]

ok, I talked to ex again, he has been dragging on the divorce because he has some kind of emotional block about proceeding, I asked what he saw as our alternative & he says he doesn't have one.

I told him I want to file asap also a Marital Settlement Agreement at the same time.

What I wasn't anticipating is how draining it is filling in and looking over those forms! And how it brings it home how I will be totally alone, not partially. Especially as ex said yesterday he doesn't think he can be friends any more when I divorce him- ironic really!

Tell me I'm doing the right thing. I know I am but it's weird it feels negative when I know it's positive....

You are doing the right thing, Write.

I am very bad at filling in any kind of form, so I can feel for you on this one.  Be nice to yourself, while you are doing it, and take lots of time.  Maybe do just a page at a time, and then take a break.

((((((Write)))))))

btw, your ex sounds as if he is still trying to hook you emotionally.  He is withholding compliance with the divorce, and threatening to take away his friendship afterwards.  What is he trying to achieve by doing this?  It reminds me of a child in the playground, holding onto his football, and refusing to play, and saying, won't be friends with you any more!

Clearly, he is feeling pain, but he is not the only one, and maybe he could benefit from realising that.

[Portia]

(((((((((write)))))))))

You're doing the right thing.

it's weird it feels negative when I know it's positive....

Doing things which have positive outcomes can involve very negative feelings. No doubt it feels great to have run a marathon, but 5 miles before the end it must feel like ****!

[Brigid]

Write,
I guess this is one of the times when an attorney (even if only one to be used by both of you) would be helpful as he or she would handle all that paperwork, make sure it got filed, and stay in touch with it in the court system.  It might be worth a few hundred dollars to remove all that emotionally draining work from your plate.

Yes, you are doing the right thing.  Your h is acting like the child that he is and you need to keep that in mind and remember that you don't want a partner who behaves that way for the rest of your life.    This same scenario would keep repeating itself until you eventually said enough is enough.  Do it now while you are still relatively young and have so much of life left to live.  You won't be alone forever.  I know it seems scary now, thinking that that could be the case, but it won't be unless you allow it.  I was so scared for 2 years when my ex left, thinking that I couldn't ever live a normal, happy life again.  That I would never again have love in my life.  Obviously, that wasn't true and I now have real love in my life.  I have an adult for a partner, who I do not need to parent or direct or make excuses for.  I have been allowed a chance to discover new things (never imagined being addicted to riding on the back of a Harley), reconnect with things I used to enjoy, and have lots of sex.  Even if this relationship doesn't become permanent, I've had an opportunity to find out how good love can be with someone who is healthy and happy.  I've also learned how much love I am capable of giving to another person, other than my children.  Those are both life-changing learning experiences and I will be forever grateful for having had them.

As I have said to you several times in the last few months, you need to create some emotional distance from your h as you move through this final phase of the divorce process.  The fact that you have not done this, is allowing him to manipulate you again and have you questioning your decisions.  I know you have said that you know best how to handle him, but the reverse is true as well--and he is taking advantage of that now. 

Please consider getting a third party involved to handle or at least guide you through the process.  You don't need the excess stress that this will create for you.

((((((((write)))))))

Brigid 

[WRITE]

Thanks Brigid Portia October Hop.

I am tired this week- he really does exhaust me but as I folded laundry and prayed this morning, it just came to me: losing his 'friendship' is a good thing, a stage in moving on.

It's not a friendship really is it, it's a mutual dependence we set up as teens to cope. Neither of us needs it now.

He does say hurtful things when he's hurting, he said 'I'm not going to be your friend any more if...' 'what if you get breast cancer and there's no one here to help you' 'you just want a divorce so you can sleep around- and you're crap at sex'! It's all projection really. I am much better equipped to cope with all those things than he is.

Not that I need to keep hearing this toxic crap. It causes insecurity.

Brigid, I just can't go into legal-land with him, he'll regress like crazy in that polarized environment. I know him very well- and I don't trust in other people's expertise when they have a vested interest to earn themselves extra money, I don't trust other people's expertise much anyway frankly. I have found people's lack of competence and perspective more and more frustrating down the years, and so few people 'get' Nism, and the other side would have a field day with my bipolar. I know people worry about my ability to cope with it all but he'll have me for breakfast if he gets into a legal battle, it's just not worth it emotionally & would be mega-stressful anyway.

I love what you write about your life and thanks for sharing that- I will hang on to an image of me in the future being connected and happy ( single or with someone )

Even if this relationship doesn't become permanent

is this a new relationship? WHere did you two meet if you don't mind me asking?

The forms aren't too difficult using the online software. I'll try and overcome my abhorence of paperwork and do them a bit at a time like October suggests.

It does feel like running a marathon Portia- only dragging a barrowload of manure along!!!

What is he trying to achieve by doing this?  It reminds me of a child in the playground, holding onto his football, and refusing to play, and saying, won't be friends with you any more

I said to him 'what do you want to do instead?' and he said he doesnt want reconciliation, he doesn't know what he wants he just feels sad. And like ever where I am concerned he can't keep it in- it has to get flung at me.

Don't panic, don't be afraid.
You are making space for yourself at last.

I guess I am just wobbling a bit. It's so hard to picture myself free after all these years. And after all this bullying. I want to be a butterfly but my wings aren't drying out fast enough, maybe I need to go walk in the autumn sunshine for a bit!

[Portia]

Write

Fantasy replies for your inner <fill in your description>:

'I'm not going to be your friend any more if...'
Did I say I wanted you as a friend? I want you to be your son’s father.

'what if you get breast cancer and there's no one here to help you'
I suppose I’ll go into hospital, have it removed and so on and you will no doubt take care of our son. I expect I’ll be able to look after my own health but will you be able to cope?

'you just want a divorce so you can sleep around- and you're crap at sex'!
I want a divorce so I can sleep around and have more sex because I haven’t had much opportunity for good sex in the last x years.

It does feel like running a marathon Portia- only dragging a barrowload of manure along!!!
You could be dragging a dragon…. http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/05/01/earlyshow/main1562964.shtml

 

[WRITE]

 

One of these days!

The irony of me bending over backwards to help him of course is completely lost on him. I typed 'id' lost- true Freudian slip!

But then Nfriend, who wrote after 18 months not for a chat or interest about me but to insist I call him 'it's very important' ( course it is if it's about YOU! ) didnt reply to my email saying please let's talk via email, I'm having a difficult time myself right now. Not a word.

And then they wonder why everyone drops out of their lives, stunned and hurt...and then they step up their 'engagement' and 'entrapment' behaviours. And it goes on.....

[WRITE]

Please consider getting a third party involved to handle or at least guide you through the process.  You don't need the excess stress that this will create for you.

you know Brigid, you're right. I do need some extra 'professional' support. I'm going to call my therapist and book a few sessions to help me get through the next few weeks. I don't have to do this alone.

[Brigid]

Write,

I'm going to call my therapist and book a few sessions to help me get through the next few weeks. I don't have to do this alone.

Excellent idea  !  You absolutely do not have to do this alone.  Garner all the moral support you can right now so you can continue to forge ahead.  You will be so relieved when it is over and done.

Regarding my love life:

is this a new relationship? WHere did you two meet if you don't mind me asking?

We have been seeing each other for about 18 months--14 of which have been exclusive and continuously getting more serious.  We were very casual in the first 4 months.

Interestingly, we met through an internet dating service, but our children were in school together (his son and my daughter graduated together in June and even had a class together senior year), we belonged to the same tennis club for a number of years, I knew his ex-wife fairly well years ago (they had been divorced 6 years by the time I met him), he knew of my exh, and we know many people in common.  But we had never met each other.  So it felt very safe for me from the beginning.  I did, however, date a number of men through that service before I met my b/f, and highly recommend it as a way to meet men at this age (or any age for that matter) and in my living environment (which is a suburban, single family home, neighborhood).  I know a number of people who have found significant others and marriage partners through the internet.  When the time is right, give it some consideration.

Brigid

[WRITE]

Thanks Brigid.

I know a number of people who have found significant others and marriage partners through the internet.  When the time is right, give it some consideration.

I'm hearing this more and more.

I'm glad you are having a wonderful time.
It must be so nice to have a relaxed fun time as well as passionate- without hang-ups, drama and unpleasantness.

I was talking to a new friend I met at my gym, she said she and her husband have never rowed or yeled or been unpleasant to each other. At one time I would have seen that as 'weak' or something, now I think 'what a blessed life' to walk away from angry words or meanness, and go back and talk it out. Healthy anger isn't screaming and tantruming is it?

Called the therapist, booked a session next week, she has always been really good for me.

Evenings are hard, Hop said that last night, not the early evening when I'm busy, now, when I want to be snuggled up to someone! After all these years sleeping alone and never having that relationship it amazes me I haven't just got used to it, but it's my secret wish to be able to go to bed and chat and just have someone else there and feel close and comforted.

Hop- you also recommended I go back to that love addiction book. Is there anything in particular there you think I should read? I can recognise traits from the book, general things, but nothing's jumping out at me as in 'I really need to work on that'.

[October]

I am tired this week- he really does exhaust me but as I folded laundry and prayed this morning, it just came to me: losing his 'friendship' is a good thing, a stage in moving on.

I am feeling really battered tonight.  Then reading this thread is really strange, given what has happened.

A good friend of mine was going on holiday.  He asked if he could leave his car here, and get a lift to the airport.  So a week ago he brought the car here, and left it in my garage for the week, and I drove him and his friend to the airport.  My car usually goes in the garage, but it stayed out on the drive. Then yesterday, he rang for a lift again, so I went to the airport, and brought them back here.  Then they said they had to leave immediately, and so they did, without even coming into my house.  I felt hurt about that, and sent a text today, to say that I did not think it was fair.

Here is the reply, which is really funny, in a way:

"For the first time in all these years I have asked myself why I have remained friends with you  I was not happy to have turned up then to rush off but J wanted to get back sort his stuff and get back for a wedding in north wales"

Then later:

"From your standpoint thats true but of course yours is not the only one and thats where you always have trouble."

So there we are.  Ten years of friendship undone by one statement of pain, caused by the other person.  Funny old world, isn't it?     Which is why I need this thread today, to help me to remain sane in the face of this kind of stuff.

 

[Stormchild]

Oh October

People who use you like that, and then turn on you when you call them on it, aren't friends, and never were... but oh, they fake it well sometimes, and oh, it hurts when it falls through.

So sorry!!!!!!!!!!

Write - you're so very brave, and I'm glad you aren't forcing yourself to go through this unsupported in realspace -

[October]

Oh October

People who use you like that, and then turn on you when you call them on it, aren't friends, and never were... but oh, they fake it well sometimes, and oh, it hurts when it falls through.

So sorry!!!!!!!!!!

Well, of course from my point of view, and yours, this is true, but this is not the only way of looking at it, and that is our trouble, isn't it?

 

Thanks, Stormy.  And sorry for derailing, Write, but it seemed so much of a coincidence to read your thread again, having heard the same things myself, from someone I have really loved, and really given a great deal to for many years.

Now wondering, if he withdrew his friendship, how exactly would I tell the difference?   

[Hopalong]

Nothing particular, Write...I think I was worrying whether you were hooked into fusion as I have been so many times in the past but I think I'm projecting. I haven't had an 18-month relationship in I don't know how long!

I think you're doing way better, and I sympathize more than I knew with the yearning for touch. I thought my libido was dead in the water, but I just saw my "first love" for two hours yesterday, and I can tell I still have desire. It's just been snuffed and buried. He is married, we were just having coffee as old friends, and I wouldn't encourage or consider anything else. But I remembered in a surge what it was like, so many years ago, to love someone with my whole heart and whole body. I really have never loved anyone like that since. And I still felt the attraction after 38 years!!!!!!!!

(Didn't help that he told me he thinks about me a lot.) But we were very proper, despite the memories.

I wouldn't want to see him often, so it's good he lives far away. I am grateful for his visit, though, because I felt like a woman again. Now if I could only meet someone other than Unitarian geezers!

Hugs,
Hops