Sex and the teenaged daughter

[Overcomer]

Well, hello..........today was something.  My friend came into work and told me that someone had told her that some mother had read her daughter's text message and said she saw one from my daughter telling that girl that she had had sex.  Well, my daughter is 15 and I have to admit I was more worried about what people would think of her than the fact that she and her boyfriend had experimented with sex.  My daughter admitted it and said they were both virgins.................any input?

[adrift]

The more involved she gets physically with the guy, the more involved her heart will get.  Then, when it's over she'll be more deeply hurt than if the relationship had been less physical. These are strong emotions for teenagers to handle, strong hormones too, lots of peer pressure. etc...  Also there's the reputation.  Guys know which girls are willing to experiment and which ones won't.  Those girls who are willing are often used and it's really sad.  I taught high school for awhile and the girls who were sexually active were definitely very popular with the boys, but the girls were also always upset and in emotional turmoil. One guy after another would use them.  The physical relations, for the guy, was just that--physical....for the girls it meant much more.

Religious beliefs aside, I just don't believe girls are emotionally ready during their teenage years (well, at least not until late teenage years) for all the emotional baggage that comes with a physical relationship.

Safe sex. Preach it, preach it.  Actually, there's no such thing as "safe sex" but I guess some practices are safer than others. Also, if your daughter is going to be sexually active, definitely get her on birth control. 

As for what others think.......that doesn't really matter.

Good luck!!

[WRITE]

well I guess separate the different issues out here:

what people think; how becoming sexually active is affecting your daughter eg emotions, behaviour; practical stuff, birth control, pregnancy, legal issues, appropriate public behaviour; your own emotional response to your daughter heading towards independence...

Then everything won't dissolve into emotional turmoil.

If she's talking to you that has to be good?

Why are you worreid what other people think, you mean in case they think you're not parenting correctly?

I agree the kids aren't ready- but they don't have the emotional maturity to know that and their bodies are surging hormones and they are curious.

They're going to do it pretty much whatever you say, most of us did.

And it's normal and healthy too on another level. My friend with the huge weight problem never had sex, never experimented, sublimated all her physical needs to food, and she's in just as much trouble probably a lot more than as any other teenage problem could have spiralled.

I'm sure you'll handle this just fine kelly. Do you have a partner/ her father you can discuss things with?

[Overcomer]

I'm gonna tell dad who lives out of state.  She has this friend who was adopted from the foster care program and was molested as a young child..........she is having sex and so my daugher (not being much of a leader) follows suit.  You are right about not being ready emotionally.  I am concerned about her reputation AND the fact that they will think that I am a bad parent......but we all know that kids will be kids.  One thing I am trying to do is NOT shame her or make her feel like lesser of a person.......I told her everyone makes mistakes but I believe she is too young to handle such an emotional commitment.......we'll see.

[Hopalong]

BCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBCBC.........

(birth control)

I think listening is really really important...no intensity, respectful, calm, gentle, listening.....as much as you can arrange to happen with her.....

And telling her it is her body, her right to do with it as she chooses, but also her responsibility to treat it with respect. How it's all linked up with a lot of other messages women get that their bodies do not belong to them...and how you invite her to NOTICE those messages in advertising, movies, etc., and ask herself whether she thinks her sexually active friends are challenging Madison Avenue or just walking down it. Then more listening............. again and again.

Hops

[fraidycat]

Hi Kelly
I think you are handling this well! This is something I dread, my daughter is 13 and my son is 17 so I know the day is coming .
I have been so over protective with my kids as far as supervision goes I feel like I am stifling their growth not good I know...  I'm working on it. We've had a lot to protect them from outside the normal.  I don't have any good advice from experience to offer but I found A couple Web sites that deal with the issues parents have when they learn their teen has started becoming active. I hope it helps .. the second one is more useful I think   http://www.ppae.ab.ca/index.php?m=2&s=3  and   http://www.noplacelikehome.org/age/eleventhgrade.shtml   Good luck Kelly!

Fraidycat

You may have to copy and paste...I don't have this figured out yet..

[October]

Hi Kelly
I think you are handling this well! This is something I dread, my daughter is 13 and my son is 17 so I know the day is coming .
I have been so over protective with my kids as far as supervision goes I feel like I am stifling their growth not good I know...  I'm working on it. We've had a lot to protect them from outside the normal.

My d is 13 too, and at present if anything is more sheltered than the kids around her, because of being home schooled.   I too can be overprotective, but judged against what?    The hormones are there, but at present are directed in what I regard as the right direction for a 13 year old - towards screen and tv actors, who she idolises, and writes to and collects pictures of. 

I have talked to her about sex, and she hates it (talking about it!).  I tell her that if she wants to be sexually active, then she must use protection, meaning a condom, to protect against pregnancy and stds.  I also say that if I find that she is active, or, God forbid, falls pregnant, I will respect and support her, but kill the boy!!!   

The UK has a very high incidence of teenage pregnancy, and looking at the kids around, I can see why.  Girls of my daughter's age are highly sexualised, in terms of their appearance and behaviour, and the mothers collude in this; the girl next door is the same age as my d, and her mother takes her to have her eyebrows waxed.  What is that all about??????     The mother says it is a treat for her, to raise her self confidence, but says at the same time that her eye brows look really bad, and meet in the middle.  I have known this girl for years, and had never noticed such a thing.

The only other thing to say is that I also think you are doing well, Kelly.  You have good communication with your d, and she is being honest with you.  Maybe also it might be worth saying that teens do not always know as much as they think they do, and when they say they have had sex, they might mean something very different from what we would mean.  And they might well tell other kids they are doing it, so as not to look childish.  Just like I told the girls at school I had a boyfriend, when I didn't.     

[Brigid]

Hi Kelly,
I used to do work and volunteer in the area of health education for youth and teen sexuality.  A girl of 15 is not ready to be sexually active emotionally and she is putting herself at great risk physically by doing so.  There are so many std's out there today and HPV, which is the link to cervical cancer, has a greater risk of developing, the younger the woman is when she becomes sexually active.  Becoming pregnant is a minor risk compared to many of the std's she could develop.  She may be in a relationship with someone who was a virgin now, but once she becomes sexually active, it is so much easier to keep repeating that behavior with each boy she is involved with.  They will most assuredly not all be virgins and the list of bodies coming in contact with hers, just gets longer and longer.

I know how hard it is with teenagers.  My son at least waited until his freshman year of college before becoming sexually active with his then girlfriend of 2 years, and my daughter is 18 and not had any relationships that I am aware of.  I was a victim of molestation at age 9 and date rape at 16, so I have a lot of interest in this area and how, especially girls, are affected by it.

Please get some materials on this subject and really talk to your D about how this can affect her now and in the future.  There is a lot more than her reputation at stake here.  I send you blessings as you work through a very difficult situation.

Brigid

[Hopalong]

And blessings on you, Brigid, for turning horrible things that were done to you into such a caring and constructive force in girls' lives.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HERO BRIGID!!))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hops

[penelope]

Here are a few stats I heard to make you feel better or worse, depending on your feelings about this:

1 in 4 women has an abortion in this country (U.S.)

Abortion is the 2nd most common surgery performed on women (second only to masectomy)

Good luck with your daughter.  I second the idea of getting her on some form of birth control.  She's much too young to have a baby, and for a teenager, an abortion can be a very traumatic thing.

bean

[gratitude28]

Kelly,
I think it is great you are keeping open and calm with her about this.I also think that without upsetting her, you can tell her that you don't think this is a good time for her to begin such an adult activity. And I think it would be great to get her some books on 1) STDs - with photos, and a book on teenagers taking care of babies. And I agree about the birth control- she needs it.
One of my friends a long time ago had teen aged kids...to keep them talking to her, she kept a journal under their pillows. If they ever had a hard question, they could write it in the journal and slip it under her pillow. She would write an answer and never discuss it unless the teen brought it up.
Lots of love Kelly!!!
Beth

[penelope]

That is a great idea beth!!

I can remember being terrified of both sex and my mother (so the thought of discussing it with her was double terrifying!) when I was a teenager - which wasn't so long ago...

Can you remember what it was like for you kelly?  Are the worries about her reputation a trigger from your own past?  I know that sex was 'not that big of a deal' in the college town I grew up in...actually I was considered the 'geek' or odd-girl out cause I didn't have sex in highschool (or a steady boyfriend, although I dated), and all my friends were already having sex.  I recognized I was not ready, and my own immaturity stopped me.

One thing I did not find helpful was the STD scare tactics they used in school.  Everyone was having sex, and no one I knew was getting herpes or AIDS... so I sort of did not buy into the B.S, if you know what I mean?  So I would make sure I was very honest, if I was you, cause the teenage mind has its own data, and if your data don't jive with hers, your credibility goes out the window!  (Also, teenagers in general think they know it all).  I think the real stats on HIV are something like only 1 in 100 unprotected partners actually gets HIV from an infected partner.  This is the truth they don't tell kids in the U.S., and I think its unfortunate, myself.  The risk is much lower, in other words, of getting an STD (especially uncurable or life threatening) than many would like kids to think.  Which I believe does a diservice to them; its disrespectful to lie to them knowingly, and how can a truthful exchange exist if only one person (the child) is expected to be truthful?

hugs,
bean

[Brigid]

The risk is much lower, in other words, of getting an STD (especially uncurable or life threatening) than many would like kids to think

Sorry, Pb, but you are dead wrong about this.  HIV is not the only deadly or dangerous STD out there.  The worst offender is genital warts and they can have very lasting affects--not the least of which is infertility.  Herpes is running rampant, and once you have it--you have it for life.  The ads on TV make it sound like no big deal, but it is.  And it is very contagious when the carrier is having an outbreak and they don't always know when that is the case. 

I just think about the poor girl or guy who has met the person they want to spend the rest of their life with and they then need to explain how they have an incurable STD that will interfere with their sex life and possibly their ability to have children, forever.

I'm not suggesting that the best way to get through to teens is to scare them with this information.  But kids need to hear it, both in school and at home.  Believe me when I say, that parents are the best people to instill the information and the ones that children listen to, trust and don't want to disappoint, in most cases.  I understand that many of us on this site didn't have that kind of parental guardianship or trust, but the majority do. 

Setting high standards of behavior for your children and letting them know when they have let you down (not that you have stopped loving them), is OK.  Children need boundaries and they need to know when they've crossed them.  To assume that they will all drink, smoke pot, have sex--whatever--and just accept that, is lazy parenting, IMO.

Sorry to have gotten on a soapbox here, but this is a real hotbutton of an issue for me, partly because of what was done to me, but mostly because I have done a lot of work in this area and heard the many very sad stories from teenagers (mostly girls) regarding decisions they made regarding sex and now have regrets and very often serious health issues (both mental and physical) which they may have for life.

Brigid

[Hopalong]

Make room on that soapbox, Brigid...
I agree with everything you've said...

I once worked at a student health clinic and will never forget the girl who came in with an active herpes outbreak, she was crying so hard in pain...it's a devastating virus. And one or two of the herpes strains increase the risk of cervical cancer.

I believe unprotected sex is a grave, grave risk. For more reasons than I can say.

Sex is so potent. Like volcanos. Yes they're part of nature but you must respect the power.

Hops

[penelope]

uhm, actually I was diagnosed with genital warts at 18.  Since I hadn't had sex yet, my doctor said I probably got it from a jacuzzi.  It is a very hardy virus.   Haven't had another outbreak since, and I ask everytime I get a pap.

So...another myth demistified (also, I am able to get pregnant - ask me how I know that  ).

I think the truth is more important than fiction.  Not wanting to argue, it's just my opinion.

bean