Wimping Out As Usual

[gratitude28]

OK, so I have said my job is good and my boss is the most decent I have had.
But he has this quirk that pisses me off to no end, and I do nothing about it. Mind you I work my ass off here and everyone thinks I am amazingly helpful and pleasant and I go way beyond what is required of me because I like to make things better. I am supposed to do office and data entry work and take care of customers, but I have also been rewriting the database for two years, rewriting the web page and improving it( it looks sooooo much more professional), managing the office for up to a month at a tiime alone when he is on a business trip.

Story... I donated a painting to an auction for a school here. I told my friend she could stop by my work and pick it up as I live 20 miles North of where I work, and she lives South. Two minute interaction. My boss screws up his face, gets irritable and huffs when she shows up. My friend is like, "What the hell?" (Not to him, of course). Afterwards, he is nice to me again... after he is over his flash of irritation. He has done this before... I take messages, obviously, for him whenever he is out. I get about one call a month that doesn't have to do with work. One day I got one and he was all pissy and told me I had a Personal Call, and when I asked who it was, he just spat he didn't know.

There are times I feel he is trying to catch me leaving early as he will call right at the end of the day... Things like that...

I always get a ton done... even when he isn't here. That is why the company and he made me full time.

What should I do????????? I am really irritated at him, but also at myself for my reaction, which was to cower and apologize and act like I did something wrong.

Please also keep in mind that I do not take a break for the entire time I am at work . He doesn't seem to think that is noteworthy, although he takes a two-hour lunch/PT break.

OK, I am going to try to calm down now.
Thanks to anyone who will listen/help.
Love, Beth

[penelope]

hi beth,

Is this a classic case of projection?  He feels guilty about his time away, but is trying to project it onto you? 

I think not reacting is a good strategy.  Also, I always try to "train" my coworkers that I take my lunch at 11:00 everyday (with my b/f) and No, I will not work through my lunch for you, and I schedule doctor's appts during the day and take days off occasionally.

I do not conduct my personal business at work.  Period.  It's tricky cause my b/f works there too, but I simply don't do it.  I have coworkers that answer their cells during meetings and they're obviously personal calls - and this goes on all day.  It amazes me that they think it's OK to do this.

I think your friend stopping by - a blue moon occurrence, and your one personal phone call that he intercepted, and even once a month calls are perfectly reasonable (limit them to 5 - 10 minutes, saying "I'll have to call you back later..").  Don't let him manipulate you with his immature emotional game.  Just keep being you. 

bean

[gratitude28]

Thanks bean. Trust me, I don't conduct personal business here.He also seems to get jealous os things like the advertisements for my art shows or when people who are our clients or staff ask me about my life (How's your husband doing, etc).Again, it is not done as a personal thing... We ALL know each other here and most of the people who come through the office have worked with my husband. I also never chat for more that a line ro two before we turn it to business. Pleasant, but directed.
He needs to have constant praise ( I pass on any positive reports about the office) and if  he is in a story or something here, he will cut out the picture and story and hang it on the wall.But if it something about me or one of our students, he gets annoyed.
He is fine about occasional dr apts... I'l miss a half an hour once every three months or so...
I am just annoyed at my reaction and the fact I am typing all this trying to justify this when I shouldn't even be thinking about it.

[WRITE]

Beth you need to practise a very simple technique of 'wait in silence'.

Do not notice his screwed up face or assume anything about boss's disapproval or reaction unless he speaks of it.

Ignore anything but his spoken/written communication with you on the topic.

Do not speak to him first or make any excuses or explanations.

Smile.

Say nothing.

I do not take a break for the entire time I am at work

er WHY?????

One thing I have noticed Beth for myself and others who like to get things done: the more we allow others to take advantage and not treat us properly the more they do it.

They assume we don't mind- or we would have spoken up.

When we don't speak up they can easily ignore our unspoken anger/ frustration/ hurt etc.

And that's what you are going to do next time he does the suffering boss routine?

If it helps you be more assertive keep a log of your tasks completed/ hours etc. If he asks why just tell him you are restructuring your time to balance your workload/ working day.

Be prepared to back off and not react if he presses your buttons. Get used to smiling and saying yu'll have to think about something or you'll let him know. Practise in your head. Imagine how it will feel to stay silent as he tries to provoke your apology/ discomfort.

He's taking a parent role with you- doesn't mean you have to be his child.

[Hopalong]

He needs you more than you need him.
No more cowering.
Keep up the politeness and professionalism, and do keep a log.

He sounds desperately insecure and you're handy to take it out on.
Go Zen on him, give him nothing to strike.

I love what Write said about "Don't notice." Skillfully done, that's your best defense.

Does your company offer employees any way to give their own feedback?

Hops

[tony001]

gratitude28-

Do you honestly feel like you are doing a good job there? It sounds like you do. Do you show up on time and not leave early?
If so then you should utilize these facts as a security blanket. Use your clear conscience to help to "ignore" the negative aspects of your boss and job.

The feelings that you are having about your job and your boss are toxic to you. You can control these feelings.

Know in your heart that you are doing a good job and refuse to be affected by your boss's capricious behaviour.

You can't control him, but you can control yourself. Ignore his petty idiosyncrasies, and if they develop into a full blown problem of unacceptable proportion, then take your case to higher management.

[Jynna]

beth,

I just want to say that it sounds like you're beating yourself up a little bit when you say "wimping out as usual"----you are not "wimping out",  you're taking time to figure out the best response to something that's bothering you.   

[penelope]

I like all the suggestions above!!!  Wow, I need to take all the advice too   

Hey, one other thing:  I think he's jealous.  Everybody gets jealous, it is what we do with the jealousy that counts. 

Do we turn it into a positive:
Beth gets so much attention and praise for her work.  I wish I did.  I will try my personal best, that is what is really bothering me, that I know I'm not doing the best I can.  She also has many friends here.  I wish I had more.  *sigh*  I know it is in my power, I feel so intimidated by people, though.

Or a negative:
I hate her, and will act passively aggressive toward her cause she's getting all the praise in this office.  I hate her cause others like her.  I will play this game with her, I won't like her or only approve conditionally, so I feel better about myself..

Emotional immaturity, and it all has to do with him.  It's good you're thinking about it.  These are life skills to develop as there are quite a few emotionally immature people around.  And when it's our boss, it can make our life miserable if we don't develop a coping strategy (I know!!!!)

hugs,
bean

[October]

Go Zen on him, give him nothing to strike.

This is such good advice.  When you have an abusive past you get so used to reading people's minds in order to circumvent any problems, and they don't even know you are doing it.  What they see is someone who can apparently read the minds of all those around them without even trying, and who is so damned efficient it makes them look like dodos.

Is there any wonder that our bosses get jealous, and start looking for the chink in the armour of your life?   

[Plucky]

Ok, now the meanie weighs in.
I say, strike back!!!!!
Every time he annoys you about something, whatever, just take back a little bit of the You you have surrendered to the job and to him.  If he scowls at your 2 minute pickup, act like you don't notice, but smile at him and say, You know, I haven't been taking any breaks - I think I'll start taking them.  I need a break now and then.   Any problem with that?  Smiling sweetly.

If he acts funny about a phone call, say after lunch, Oh are you back?  I took this message at, 11:00.  You had already gone out to lunch then, I think, so I just took a message.  I think it's personal so I didn't ask too many details.  Here you go!  Sweet smile perfected by now.

If he phones at the very end of the day, and you know it is him, don't answer.  Then call back to his voicemail, and say, I think you just phoned me but I was on another call and couldn't get off fast enough.  Well, I guess since it's X o'clock and you're gone, it can wait until tomorrow.  Cheerio!  Your voice is smiling.

Ok maybe you are too nice to implement, but we can think about it, can't we?

a bad, bad
Plucky

[gratitude28]

Wow, a bunch of super duper comments and ideas. Yes, I know I do a superior job... I have comments to that effect from around the company world. Also, when he is in a good mood, he compliments me highly. I received a 2 page letter full of praises and a raise.
Yes, Penny, he is jealous sometimes. I know this. He is sloppy in his work and sometimes people notice this. (Actually often). I don't clean up his work unkless he asks me to. 
I knew it was my reactiion that was bad. You are right... I need to not react to him being like that. I'm not ready to get back, Plucky, but I am going to keep those marvellous ideas in my head until I can use them (maybe soon????). Hops, I do equate my reactions to him as those to my parents. (Kind of the whipped dog reaction). And write,  it is some kind of weird parental relationship. I am not sure how it got set up that way. Tony, October, thanks for the supprt and useful words. And thanks, Jynna... I am trying to recognize my bad patterns. But I just get frustrated when I feel like I should have gotten over something like this. Thanks for the support all!!!!!!!!!
Love, Beth

[Hopalong]

I feel like I should have gotten over something like this

Aw, poo, Beth. Please take that should out behind the woodshed and give yourself a break.

It's okay to make mistakes. It's also okay to repeat them...until we don't.

It just is one more opportunity to anchor a lesson home.

You're doing fine, hon.

Hops

[gratitude28]

Thanks hops...Progfress, not perfection... I keep needing to remind myself.
love, Beth