disaster

[dragonsamm]

Somebody explain "awfulizing" to me.  I saw it spoken of in another thread, and I seem to understand, but have questions.  IAmNewToME spoke of doing this all the time and that it doesn't work for them.  Isn't it really just a mechanism for seeking out one's choices in the face of disaster? 
Ex:  I lost my job, I have a $300 per month car payment that's 2 months past due, I can't lose the car, I need it to get to a job--what if I don't get a job in the next x# of days/weeks?  How do I pay the bills, I have NO resources.  I'm already living with friends who charge me a minimal amount to live here (and I'm extremely uncomfortable living here) with again NO resources. 
Where will I go?  What will I do? What are my options? 

Why WOULDN'T I be awfulizing????
It does no good to talk to others about it--I've exhausted everyone I know for tips on job possibilities, the internet, the newspaper, etc.  The only thing I get from everyone is :  "Don't worry, things will turn around. "  Is that their way of saying,"don't bother me, I can't help you??" 

BTW I am  working PT at a local drugstore, so it's not like I'm not doing SOMETHING.  But it's just not enough!
When do I start selling the furniture??

~dragonsamm~

ps--I don't expect answers, I'm just venting. It appears to be my only option.

[Hopalong]

Oh Dragon, I'm sorry.
You must be feeling so on the edge.
That IS an awful feeling.

I think "awfulizing" is when listing the fears and bad stuff and worst possible outcome (after venting it, which is totally good to do...you've got to articulate your situation, and that's not awfulizing!) -- awfulizing is when the venting is all you ever do or say about the situation, rather than taking action.

You are talking to a veteran awfulizer, by the way. Yikers. I try to make a self-deprecating joke about complaining, sometimes, like "I've got this skill, and it's important not to waste a talent!" But that carries me only so far. What I need to do in my life is take action, and my awfulizing stops me cold.

You live with friends and are faced with the possible loss of your car, and you need to get a job.

Is there some way you could find out where the closest public transportation is, and look for work within that area? If that's not practical because of what your work experience is, could you make your way to interviews, etc., and then once offered a position, accept and then mention to the employer that you'd like to carpool and is there anyone else in that organization who lives in the area you do?

Sounds as though working, and saving money for a goal, are important steps for you. You can do it.

People have said the "Don't worry, things will turn around to me" I can't count the times in the last year. I had awfulized myself into a state of paralyis and I literally refused to consider the possibility of a positive outcome. One day, my whole being simply went, stop it. I let it go. I decided to be open and curious about what might happen. And a few weeks later, I realized I had a very legitimate claim for disability, so I'm going through those steps now. And if for any reason that does not work out, I have accepted that I will write my way to survival. Or I will work in a store. Or whatever.

A huge difference in my life, that must be boring to everyone who reads it from me so often, is being in the embrace of a loving, caring, active church community...where I know someone would take me in if I were desperate. It has made all the difference in my life.

Where is your safe circle? If you feel you don't have one now, Dragon, could you try on the different thought, maybe I could build one? Maybe I could make things quite different?

In the short term, transportation (public) and work...sound like the steps.

Please, keep venting, any time and any length, over and over as much as you need to. I know I had to do that with my fears. I know what it's like to be afraid and feel no security. It's...awful.

But it may not be completely real, there may be ways, people, opportunities, that you just can't see when fear is running your brain.

In the moments when that tape stops...try some new questions, see if that helps.

Sending you much support, ((((((((Dragon))))))). You are not alone.

hugs,
Hops

[Stormchild]

It does no good to talk to others about it--I've exhausted everyone I know for tips on job possibilities, the internet, the newspaper, etc.  The only thing I get from everyone is :  "Don't worry, things will turn around. "  Is that their way of saying,"don't bother me, I can't help you??"

Yes, pretty much. You'll notice that none, or almost none, of these cheerful charlies ever offer you any monetary assistance, or groceries, or what have you... [edit in: I don't mean 'a handout', I mean the kind of concrete help that anyone can spare once or twice, and that can make all the difference in the world, emotionally as well as physically.]

About the car payment: it's possible to renegotiate payment terms in situations like this, is your loan through the auto manufacturer or your bank? If the bank, you may be able to approach them directly before they send you a notice, and negotiate lower payments for a longer time... and do you have credit insurance? Some kinds cover unemployment, and we tend to forget we have it when things get stressed out...

And 'catastrophizing' is a perfectly good strategem. It's nothing more than the good engineer's trick of figuring out the worst case scenario and determining how to deal with that, because if you have the worst case covered, you can pretty much deal with anything else.

I am sorry you are dealing with such a wretched situation. Vent as much as you need to. I hope it helps.

[dragonsamm]

(((((((((jac, storm, hops)))))))))))))
Thanks for the feedback.  I get very little emotional support where I live (or anywhere else, it seems).  I appreciate the love.  As for INTENTION, I have believed my way through so many of Dyer's works, and it all still fails me.  Why do I keep believing?  I DO believe it works--for those it works for.  It doesn't work for me.  I have been struggling with life for most of it, the past 15 years WITH the words and wisdom of Dyer, Chopra, Myss, Walsch, etc.  Still, it's a day-to-day struggle.  I can't find my "place", I can't get any kind of footing on faith and belief and intention.  It has always been a belief of mine that "things will work out" and not just in a basic way, but with banners flying and bells ringing!!  That I would find the way to enjoy life without the deep worry of survival.  But that belief is dying, along with most of the joy I ever felt. 
I can't keep doing this.  It's wearing me down. I'm 50 years old, I'm SO tired.
All I want to do now is just get a job that pays the bills, and come home to sleep. I'm trying to learn how to pretend that who I am does NOT matter, just be what i have to be for the money.  It's the message my parents gave me from day 2 and I always resisted it.  Now I can only believe they were right.
Hops, as for public transportation, I live in a pop.200 community 7 miles from any kind of industry.  I HAVE to have my car. I have been searching in the larger cities for jobs, but to no avail.  No one wants to pay more than 7-8$ per hour, and THAT won't pay the rent and the car payment!!!  So I'll have to work two jobs.  Ok, fine, another nail in the coffin of ME.  I'll work 60 hours a week so I don't have to think about it.  But I can't find the jobs!! 
Sorry, guys, the pity-party is over.  I can't keep talking about things I cannot control.
Think I'll take a nap.

~dragonsamm~

[WRITE]

This is a really great reframing resource Dragon:

http://www.rational.org.nz/public/BeliefsQuestionnaire/sup1.htm

[Stormchild]

Samm,

this is Barbara Ehrenreich's web site. She wrote 'Nickled and Dimed', about how damn impossible it is to make a living anywhere in the US on minimum wage - and she knew, because she tried. She has also written 'Bait and Switch', about what it is like to be unemployed in white collar America today.

You will find her candor refreshing and her perceptions reassuring. Not comforting, necessarily, but reassuring - you're not imagining things, and you didn't cause this to happen to yourself.

You will also find that you are not alone, I hope.

Yes, she has a message board. It's at the link marked Forum.

http://www.barbaraehrenreich.com/

[Gaining Strength]

Dragonsamm,
Awfulizing is taking a problem and giving it more power than it has by seeing it as worse than it is.  You are not awfullizing.  You are there at the bottom, frightened and verging on hopelessness.  I am in agreement with jacmac about the power of intention and visualization but because you have tried the Dyer, Chopra stuff without success that is not the solution for you when you are so far down.  I do believe that visualization and intention are available to everyone of us and I am not certain why it has not worked for you though I think we could figure it out together but not now.  Now you need hope and answers - you need a miracle to come and pull you out of that darkness. 

I am going to hold that hope for you and I am going to get a group of us here to do so together.  Meanwhile I ask that you keep venting here.  The more the better because as you vent someting may begin to break loose and some kind of an answer may begin to emerge.  We are going to be a support for you. - GS

[WRITE]

go back to basics: if the problem is confidence about working get a job, any job.

Find out how to rest, how to take care of yourself.

When you feel like you're saying 'yes but....' to any possible solutions don't go there, develop an attitude of 'I haven't worked this out yet BUT I WILL'.

Negativity is an internal cycle. Break it.

I am not a fan of self-help in some ways because without more detail/ background some writers are only looking at partial 'easy' solutions: plus their ideas don't even work for them half the time yet they're peddling them....to people who are already frustrated.

It's about building a collection of tools, not finding a 12 step cure-all which doesn't seem to apply personally and frustrates you more. It takes confidence to adapt and pick out what works for you, and what's good timing for you.

One of the most powerful things is practicality, what can I DO, and sometimes it seems like nothing, but even if we just sit down and work out where we'd like to be it feels better than helpless inactivity. Just a bath and changing the bedding can help the most depressed person! yet how often we brush off the small things because the whole seems overpowering.

One of the best tools I found jumped out of a nursing article: a diagram of a balanced life, a wheel where each spoke was an aspect of self, here it is http://www.adv-leadership-grp.com/articles/images/wheel.jpg



Once I saw that I could also see that every little thing which I did would push out the spoke towards my goal of a rounded balanced life- and some aspects like my spiritual self I had neglected entirely.

I was ultra-resistant to therapy too- I was adamant it would change me!!!!!!!

I was in some trouble with my self-identity I guess, and like someone who says I'll go to the gym when I've lost some weight- I didn't want to face the whole me and start working on changes. I was afraid someone ( me? ) would find it unaceptable that I was so out of step, and couldn't do it all myself, and hadn't found 'the way'.

Therapy did change me, beyond recognition, but now I can smile at that anxious, projecting version of me and know that it's not about 'the way' it's 'a way' and it's ongoing.

ps--I don't expect answers, I'm just venting. It appears to be my only option.

venting is fine- we all do it, and sometimes it's all we need to do to move forward.

When we get stuck and think it's our only option maybe it needs examining?

Depression symptoms are different in everyone, but that inability to move or hope sounds familiar to me.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[IamNewtoMe]

Hi Dragonsamm,

I am so sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time right now.  Sounds really tough and scary.

I think Gaining Strength is right on about this:

Awfulizing is taking a problem and giving it more power than it has by seeing it as worse than it is.  You are not awfullizing. 

But if you want to learn more about the concept - how it can be both a good tool and a detrimental behavior - check out this link:

http://www.johncflanaganlcsw.com/articles/Catastrophizing.htm

[moonlight52]

DragonSamm ,

So very sorry as well you are going thru this rough stuff .

I also am new to the concept above that Iam NewtoMe brings up I had a loss of my twin brother and it was so painful.

There is some relief to be had when you have problems that you actually can change.

Moonlight

[Hopalong]

Hi Dragon,
Are you 'wedded" to the town you live in?

Hops

[Plucky]

Hello Dragonsamm,
I agree with GS.  You are not awfulising.  You are there, in the middleof a bad scenario.  I have been there.  I was once a breath away from being homeless and if they had known where to find me, I might have lost my car.

Practical things.  Can you get unemployment?  Were you recently employed somewhere?  Is there an office of the dole or whatever near you?  They can counsel you, don't try to figure it out on your own.

Feel out whether you can get someting called a forebearance on your loan.  I have seen these on mortgages, not sure if they exist on car loans.  It allows you a grace period of some months without payment if you are unemployed or having a hardship and it just prolongs the period of indebtedness at the end of the loan.

Can you go to your friends and ask for a loan?  If so, put it in writing so it will be more comfortable for both parties.

Do you own anything of value you can sell?

Can you be a child minder or gardener or tutor or reader to the blind or anything that does not require an official job?

Good luck.  There is a way out and you will find it.

Plucky

[penelope]

Hi dragonsamm,

I would like to try to brainstorm with you, about possible jobs that might improve your situation to a bearable one.

Is there a job that will provide you with free housing as well as a wage?  I'm thinking something like:

-nanny
-housekeeper
-Rental storage places often provide a place there for the manager to live (a small apt)
-apt manager

If not housing, perhaps you could seek a job where you could learn a marketable skill while at the job.  Like:
-security guard (where I work, they seem to have plenty of time to study whilst working)
-hotel night auditor (I did this in college - working 3rd shift might allow you enough time to look for better job opportunities)

Some marketable skills you might want to try to learn:
-medical professions are always looking for transcripters (not sure if this is the correct term) - this can be done at home, over the phone

Other jobs:
-Airports - I know where I live they're hiring security people like crazy
-If you have a clean driving record - many places always need Drivers of all sorts - to transport everything from documents to medical stuff


Have you explored all your possibilities where you live?  Can anyone else think of others?  What about job referral resources where you live now or might consider living?

do not despair, you just need a little help.

bean

[dragonsamm]

Wow!!

You guys are amazing!  I'm almost speechless.

Moon, I'm sorry to hear about your brother.  I can't imagine what you've been thru.  Thanks for your ability to reach out to me.   

Hops:  No, I have no reason to stay in this town (only been here a year anyway).  I've lived in more than 25 different places in my life, not afraid to go somewhere else.  I just don't have any resources for getting moved.  I was planning to move to one of the near by larger cities if and when I get a job in one of them, anyway.  But it all takes cash. And I can't even imagine the possibliity of making enough money to not only pay the bills, but save up enough money to get myself moved as well!!

Storm:  I checked out the website you offered.  It is a bit heartening to know I'm not alone, even if there is no immediate solution.  I am astounded at the scope of this phenomenon.  A lawyer friend told me (in 2004) that at that time, the spread between the richest and poorest people in a single industry is now greater than at any other time in the history of this country.  Including the plantation owner/slave relationship of 200 years ago.  At least the slave had a roof over his head and food to eat, no fear of losing basic survival needs. 

Plucky:  I can't get unemployment.  I used it up last year.  I have been employed sporadically for the past year or so, have not built up any funds.  I have no friends I can borrow from.  I've already used up the resources I had--including my mother and a brother.  I owe them too much now, can't borrow any more.  And there is no assistance available from Public Aid to a single person with no children at home. And my car is leased, so I don't believe there are any options on the payment plan.  It's a 5-year lease (with 2 left to go).  Also, the only thing I own of value is my computer, and that is my life-line.  Without the Internet, I'm lost.  I keep in touch with all my friends, with you guys, I look for jobs, etc.  I probably couldn't get more than $500 out of it anyway, and that won't even cover the two late car payments. 

Penelope: The town I'm close to is too small for anyone to have nannies or live-in housekeepers.  I'm not sure there are more than 2 apartment buildings in town, either.  I have friends in one of the larger cities who are in a similar situation of being unable to earn enough money without having to work 60+ hours per week.  doesn't bode well for me, although I do have an Associates Degree (English Lit focus) and 15 years of office experience.  I just can't find anyone willing to pay more than 7-8$ per hour (entry level) unless one is experienced in every office software program that's out there.  And, no, I can't live with those friends (pool resources, etc) because they are animal lovers and I have allergies.

I'm seriously not trying to dismiss all of your help.  It means a TON to me to have you all giving me hints and tips and whatever.  And Write:  I admit that your chart looks like it means something, and I'm sure it does, but I have no clue as to how to balance anything but my checkbook!    I don't know how to take care of me beyond the basic survival stuff.  That old "just close your eyes, dig in your heels and just keep moving stuff.  I don't even know how to know if my spiritual life is balanced with my physical, or my social.  It's all greek to me.  When I get sick, I let myself vegg and I sleep and stuff.  I always listen to favorite music in the car, never the radio, so sometimes the music touches me.  But beyond that, I'm clueless.

Thank you all--------((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))) to all of you for your input.
I'm listening, really. 

~dragonsamm~

[Hopalong]

Dragons,
Hate to say this but my practical mind is going two places, short-term:

An $8.hr job on which you learn those software programs is a place to start. You're there, you perform well, then they know who you are. So while you're learning on the job, you're getting exposure for better opportunities. It may be that if that's the only choice, that's the only choice.

If you could ask yourself to take an Rx to protect yourself from animal dander for just three
months, maybe you could get a toehold in the city by staying with your friends. Maybe they'd be willing to donate even one closet for you. (A person can sleep in some closets in a sleeping bag, I have! And they might agree to no animals where you sleep.)

If there are no other options, sometimes we have to take the option that remains...and remember that doors are going to open that we literally cannot fortell.

Hoping for you,
Hops