What do you say to a Narcissistic parent?

[SilverLining]

What would you say or think if a parent of an adult person came to visit and the first thing they asked was "are you alone"?



well it depends on who they are and how comfortable I am on being alone with them I guess!

There are some levels of intimacy which people will only conduct one on one and rightly so, but it is also a trait of difficult people to try to collar people when they're alone so either they can have their full attention because they hate to share the limelight or so they can behave in a way they don't want others to see/recognise.

Very true.  It's something I just recently started to recognize in my dealings with my father.  He's usually intimidated by large groups and stays quiet.  But when he gets alone with a selected victim he starts in with the monologuing and covertly abusive behavior.  Some of the things he says are outright insane.  But there is no one else around to hear it so no one to compare notes with.   

And he seems to desperately want these one on one visits.     

I started getting some insight into this from reading the "psychological vampire" literature.   A well known vampire fact took on new meaning: vampires only come out in  the dark.  The light of having other people as witnesses keeps them dormant.     

[GAP]

Dear Bean,

Sounds like we have similar stories.  Third oldest, oldest girl 9 adult children.  I was and am the scapegoat for the family only trouble is I keep standing and have had a successful life despite "always doing what I wanted."  Two other siblings have figured things out without far less drama then I did.  I married a narcissist and relived my childhood.  Two brothers figured it out because of their frustration with their relationship with my mother and to a lesser extent my father.

One brother put the pieces together because his wife went to therapy to deal with stuff from her childhood and he got involved.  The other just had a revelation when he tried to ask my mother a question that she didn't want to answer and she turned on him and called him names and ridiculed him.  I excused myself to go to the bathroom knowing sparks would fly.  When I returned she turned on me, called me names and caused a scene.  When she left we were both a bit shocked but I pointed out it was cathartic for me because it was a reenactment of our childhood.  My oldest brother would do something to "provoke" her and she would turn on him then me.

 He was really upset by the incident so I suggested he look up narcissism on the internet.  He was blown away by how it described our life and explained his always feeling unloved and unable to talk to our mother.  He realized his poor treatment as a child wasn't about him.  He wants to tell the rest of the family but I've convinced him they need to come to their own conclusions in their own time.  You just can't force this stuff on people.  Early on in therapy I tried talking to a one of my sisters about my reality and why I stayed in a abusive marriage for so long.  This really upset her because she just wanted the problem to be all about me marrying the wrong man vs. my attraction to nacissist because I didn't know any better.  It has caused a permanent rift between us.

The majority of the siblings are trying hard to protect the "perfect" image.   Have you been watching Brothers and Sisters?  Sally Field does a good job of playing the controlling narcissist, fortunately, for her TV family she always does what we wish our narcissist would do, she sees the errors of her ways and says something profound and loving.  would like to hear more about your situation.

[penelope]

hiya again gap,

you are so lucky to have some support from your brothers.  Which brothers (birth order) have realized it?  For me, my older brother (second born) seems to be coming around.  He was typically the other scapegoat.

Your family sounds a lot like mine.  I guess now you can join beth & I in our internet "twins" status  - whenever I write something about my FOO, she very often can relate.  The similarities are uncanny!!  Ns really seem to be cut from the same cookie mold, it seems.  The good thing about this is, at least they're predictable. 

I also have sisters in denial, and the permanent rifts started long before I ever learned of N, or tried to fix it, or only tried to convince them (in my naive everloving way) that I was not the problem in our family, our parents were.  They continue to want to believe it is me.

I am learning to be supportive to my brother who is confused, but to not become engulfed (Rather re-engulfed) in the family drama.  One thing I've noticed, however, is that the FOO stuff replays itself at work.  The roles are the same, there are just different actors.  I'm at this time trying to separate myself from an N boss and N coworker who are drama-addicts galore.  The boss triggers me to think "N-Father;"  my co-worker is so much like my N-sister, its scary.  She is the "queen bee" and what she says goes.  Its tough to get away from them, but I'm working on it.  Also on detaching.

hugs,
bean

[Portia]

Moon

What would you say or think if a parent of an adult person came to visit and the first thing they asked was "are you alone"?

It might mean:

- they're afraid of your spouse/partner/children
- they need to know which 'persona' to adopt depending on who's present
- they want your full attention to bend your ear
- they want to know if you're free to be abused!
- they're afraid of being surprised by other people and don't feel safe unless they know who's at home
- they're well-mannered and want to know if they need to say 'hello' to anyone else present when they arrive.....

You okay Moon?

[moonlight52]

HEY Portia ,   

I am OK a little manic and sleep trouble that's all something I am learning to understand.
Also now with more understanding I am having to deal with the
aftermath and the feelings from realizing what the hay happened to me.

I do believe in unconditional love I have the feeling I would stand in front of a train to protect my children .
They do know how much I love them.And that's a good thing.

They say ignorance is bliss well it really is not but at times I look back at the times when I thought I knew the world and now it turns out that the old world I believed in was an illusion.Well I do take comfort that on some level it's all an illusion.
But if I just get enough sleep I am not afraid.

Awwwwwwwww Portia I just get a little afraid sometimes Mr moon helps me and then I do get sleep and I am OK.............................. 


Much Love to you P

m

[GAP]

My N. exhusband, thinking we were alone went off on me.  When he realiized a friend of mine had witnessed his rage he apoligized for having done it in front of her but not for the rage.  This was shortly before I filed for divorce, it just made it so much clearer that he was able to control his bad behavior if he thought someone he liked was watching and that he wasn't sorry for abusing me just sorry others witnesseed it and might think ill of him.

Bean,

My oldest brother gets it as does my brother just a year below me.  This has only happened in the last 4 months...I did 3 years of realizing this all alone and trying to get the family to realize I wasn't the cause of all the problems.   Hang in there, when someone jumps in the water with you life will be easier. 

The family members clinging to perfection all holding on strong.  If you knew some of the crazy conversations I have had trying to get them see the light you wouldn't believe it.  Certain family members are convinced that I hold the power to make or break any situation and if I would just change and behave how they wanted me to all the family problems would vanish.  I have officially given up and it is very freeing. 

GAP