When Voicelessness Becomes Strident

[GAP]

I was out with my oldest daughter this weekend and I come to the realization that perhaps one of the downsides of me having found my "voice" is that I can become strident and demanding that certain people  empathize and understand my point of view and never challenge me.  Now that my reality has been validated and I've made sense of things I can get very touchy is someone questions my perception or truth. 
Can anyone relate to what I am trying to say?

Now that I've figure things out I think I need to find a balance and learn how to know my perceptions and realities are right for me and that I don't need to get a whole team of people to validate and agree with me...I just need to believe in myself.

[Hopalong]

What a good observation, Gap.
I think that insistence is a normal part of the awakening for some people who've Put Down the KoolAid. (And there's the old chestnut about internalizing pieces of toxic stuff we were taught, so we risk aping them. I think that's temporary until we find our balance.)

Different people process it in different ways and acceptance and forgiveness seem crucial to me.

Hopalong

[Portia]

Hi Gap

Yes, I recognise that at times I have become fairly strident, demanding of others that they see my point of view! But generally that’s only happened to me with people I like and respect a lot – so I have let it ‘hurt’ me when they haven’t seen things my way (and then I feel confused, because I want to be understood…).

I remember a moment here when a member I like and respect indicated that they didn’t know if I was being honest and straightforward in a post. I felt quite upset and wanted to ‘prove myself’ to them….until someone else here spoke to me privately and said: “why does their opinion of you matter to you so much?” That was a real light-bulb moment!

I guess it was the light-bulb of yes, I just need to believe in myself. It doesn’t need to affect me, what other people think about me.

Mind you, it’s taken me a very long time here to get to that point and I still find myself doing it – wanting others to see things my way and feeling upset when they don’t. Accepting that people can disagree with me – and my view of myself! – and still not be my enemy, or hate me – that’s been a  huge learning experience (and continues to be so).

Yes Hops, I agree, acceptance is crucial. Forgiveness is for ourselves!

[Hopalong]

That'll do, P, that'll do.


(((((((((((Portia))))))))))))

You are bedazzlingly honest.

Hops

[Portia]

That'll do, P, that'll do.
  Nice.

You are bedazzlingly honest.

Perhaps I do seem so, to you? I think I can be honest about those things which seem completely clear to me now (I have no fear, nothing to 'lose'). The above is the truth, but my motivation for posting it there? That would be telling more, deeper truth I think!

I can say anything and others will interpret it according to their world-view or personal prism. That might be frustrating – how can anyone ever understand me as I might wish to be understood? – on the other hand, it’s a constant good challenge to try and understand and be understood. It keeps me going, it’s my life-aim I guess.

[reallyME]

GAP, it's very frustrating, yes, cause what I go through is wishing everyone could meet these dyfunctional people so they would UNDERSTAND, and then getting angry because they will most likely NEVER meet them, so they tend to minimize to me the damage that was done...including people closest to me.

[GAP]

Thanks for the replies.  Reallyme...I know what you mean about it being hard for others to understand the experience and damage.  People will often say "Oh that is just how you parent's generation was."  I have had to realize that my getting better cannot be dependent on everyone validating my reality.

[Hopalong]

my getting better cannot be dependent on everyone validating my reality

Wow.
Yes.

What a big one.

Hops

(it makes those who do validate one, even more precious)

[Stormchild]

Hi GAP

I'm not worried about strident honesty - much more worried about smooth dishonesty. Give me a diamond in the rough over a snake oil salesman, any time.

People in recovery are willing to face themselves; they own their pasts, and work on coming to terms with them, but they live in their presents, and do their best to reshape their futures. They're willing to do the high hard work of being truthful, with themselves, about themselves, when needed, as needed, 24/7/365. After all, what else can they really change... but themselves?

It takes a lot of guts. And as a way of seeing things, it can spill over... which may seem strident, but perhaps that is just because genuine emotional honesty isn't something we've seen very often, considering where we grew up and what type of people raised us.