thanks for the reply. not many people have replied and I wonder if I put things in a nasty way or something.
I talked to a lawyer and he was cold and not very helpful and very expensive. What can i hope for in a lawyer? How do i find a good one?
No, you didn't put anything in a nasty way. ((((((((hugs))))))))
Everyone here is hurt, in different ways, and some people can give, while others need support for a while. The number of posts varies, and sometimes there are only a few, but for every one who posts there are five or more (I think!) who cannot post for whatever reason, but who are on your side.
I am not up to much at present, but to help you, here is a description of my friend B's exh.
He earned less than she did, but always belittled her work. He accused her of being weak and incompetent, of always giving in to people, and of letting them walk all over her. She was a lecturer in further education. He stacked shelves in a warehouse.
He demanded that the house be spotlessly clean, and would not let her put any pictures, even of their children, or mirrors on the walls.
He dug plants out of the garden after she planted them, because they were untidy.
He did no housework himself, and complained if the car was dirty, but never cleaned it.
He called her 'dirty', when in fact her house sparkled. His verbal abuse escalated, the more she pulled back from the relationship. (She has never told me exactly what he accused her of, but only that it was nasty stuff.)
When they divorced he refused financial disclosure.
He took the children out and let them play in a playground while he sat in the car, reading a paper or asleep. His 5 year old d fell off a slide and broke her arm, and he didn't know until another parent knocked on the car window and told him. He took her home to her mother four hours later, and her mother took her to casualty, and a fracture was found.
He accused the hospital of 'professional collaboration' with the mother, and said there was no fracture.
He accused the court, the judge, the lawyers on both sides, of all sorts of incompetence in dealing with the divorce, when they complained that he had not complied with the orders of the court. He blamed B for information he did not provide, saying she had not given it to him.
He brought a card and present for the d on her birthday, knocked loudly on the door for half an hour, then left, taking the present and card with him. B and both children were present, but did not dare open the door.
B ended up having to remortgage her home to pay him a substantial amount of money as his share, and receives no maintenance for their 2 children. Bank accounts in his name remained undisclosed, and savings hidden, right to the end. (I think her lawyers were not sharp enough, and that he ran rings round them all.)
She now lives in a state of siege, and never opens the curtains at the front of their house at all. Sometimes she sees his car at the end of her road, just sitting there, with him watching the house.
She has succeeded in getting an order for no contact for her children, and a divorce for herself.
All of this is just to show some behaviours which others have seen, so that you know you are not alone in this, neither are you mad. But it is in the interests of the N to make you believe that you are being unreasonable, so that they can carry on doing what they are doing, and you can carry on letting them.
In terms of the lawyer, if you are having trouble, perhaps a better first step would be a women's group; look in the phone book for a refuge or shelter for battered women (which is what you are, whether he has laid a hand on you or not), and see if there is someone you can talk to. They should be able to recommend a more sympathetic lawyer to you, as well as give you advice about counselling.
I wish you well, and keep posting.
