Alienated from family

[Gaining Strength]

I read Family Alienation and I felt my stomach tie in a knot.  As I move through my horrific anxiety I am finding the two big issues at the bottom of the dung pile and one of them is being completely alienated by my family and the perpetual longing to belong and to fit in. 

This may be the core issue for me.  I wasn't alienated in the sense of isolation but alienated by being required to be present but never fully integated - more like servitude.  I am going to write more about this later - I'm off to drop boy child at school but I was so moved by Lily's thread that I had to post something now. - Gaining Strength

[Jynna]

I am finding the two big issues at the bottom of the dung pile and one of them is being completely alienated by my family and the perpetual longing to belong and to fit in. 

I can't wait to hear more about this from you, GS.

This is it, isn't it?  How much of myself did I give up in order to fit in?  Voicelessness describes it so well.  My therapist called it coming into the room.  I never felt like I was in the room. 

So, what do we do in order to feel like we belong?  We try to please others.

We were trying to please unpleasable people.  What a rotten trick.

We tried so hard and where did it get us?  Still wishing we belonged.  For right now, I'm just trying to belong in my own skin.

Oh, I'm sorry this sounds so gloomy. 

[Hopalong]

(((((GS))))))

That's huge. Maybe soon you'll begin to think of ways you can create a new family? Like, of friends, emotionally trustworthy people? Here is a good place to practice, and then...venturing out...?

((((Jynna))))

Wrong room. I'm going to say a big feisty thing, pretending I'm you and it's my new mantra:

The world is my room and I belong here.

Hops

[Jynna]

The world is my room and I belong here.

Hops

Oh, Hops, this brings tears to my eyes, thank you so much----  back atcha:  ((((Hops))))

[Hopalong]

You got a big room, Jynna.
When you finally leave the little one...worlds of light ahead.

Hugs back,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

every single night I have dreams that include family and/or childhood friends that later excluded me.  In the past 7 or 8 months there has been some unknown person with whom I'm having a conversation that is fun, social, entertaining. But eventually I end up somehow on the outs of family and friends by the end of the dream - sometimes there is rancor in the relationships - sometimes not. 

The dreams without question represent the patterns that were initiated in my FOO that I then played out in life.  As disfunctional as the patterns were, they did not fail me completely until age 29 or 30.  Life has been a horrendous struggle since - except for those few years when I was married before my husband died.

I have not completely worked out the pattern yet but I am working on getting it on paper today.  I am convinced by Stormchild's post that as I get it worked out I will be able to free myself from the horror of it. - GS

[Hopalong]

I'm convinced too, GS!

Strength to you,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Part of the pattern was pernicious perfectionism.  My father was a perfectionist and passed that on to me.  Unfortunately my father's perfectionism looked to me as a child to be perfect.  His table manners, his penmanship, his dress, puntuality.  He seemed to do everything just right. The perfect image didn't begin to blow until my mid-twenties when his OCD began tying him up in knots and the whole perfect picture began to shatter.  But that was way too late for my sensitive pshyche.  I had already set his perfection up as the image to follow out of admiration but also out of the constant criticism and picking that came from him first but my mother and brothers as well.  I was the low man on the totem pole and got the last kick.  By the time I was ten my assessment of myself was one of constant, unconscious criticsm.  It has taken me decades to even realize how critical I am of myself. 

My self criticism comes about is sort of an odd way.  One the one hand, I see positve attributes about myself but internally I would express them in a way that I imagined would be criticized externally as excuse making.  Meanwhile my father's voice was so fully internalized that I would imagine all the nitpicking faults with anything I had done - from brushing my teeth, to my posture while doing homework, to the music or TV I enjoyed. 

My father assigned value judgements to personal preferences: certain foods were the mark of quality others not, certain movies and actors were of acceptable value, others were not and on and on.  If I enjoyed something that was of "lower value" it was a mark of poor taste and poor taste for him was a personal condemnation. 

All of this got tied into his own remarkable contradictions that I have only begun to recognize.  The most significatn were around money.  That is where I have my biggest hangups and I'm not about to touch that yet, though I have been working towards it for over ten years.

Little did I know that my father was passing on this unbearable and unattainable perfectionism because he was so terribly constricted by it himself.  It is a wretchedness that has ground me to a halt.  And it is the ground zero of this terrible anxiety I have been focusing on for some weeks now. 

The great poison of the perfectionistic criticism is that it came from each member of my family.  So that as adults my brothers and their wives perpertuated it along with my mother.  At birthdays and Christmas I knew the gifts I gave would be picked apart and denigrated.  It was sort of a no win situation because if I asked what someone wanted I still would have managed to get the one they already had or the wrong one.  Not that anyone would be so rude to say so, it was in the "oh yeah - thanks for the ____. " as they gushed over another gift from someone else.

The difficulty in processing all of this is that the symptoms - anxiety, depression, isolation, paralysis, - get worse in the midst of uncovering all of this pain before they get better.  However, I truly believe that there is another side to get to.  I believe in healing past the pain and into functionality and that makes this worth the experience. 

When I came on line this morning I planned to write about something I am working out on abandonment and rejection.  As children, my brothers and I had chores.  My brothers worked on theirs together or with our father, my chores were done all alone.  That isolation and the differentiation made between me and my brothers for reasons of age and gender always left me on the outside looking in.  When I brought it up - wanting to do chores with my brothers - I was severly criticized and further alienated.  It was processed by me as experience after experience of total alienation.  While I worked on chores I was alienated. 

Today - I HATE being alone and I am paralyzed when it come to getting my house and finances in order.  While I haven't gotten to the bottom of the mess yet I am getting closer here today.  The pain behind these simply vignettes does not come through but it is so very real and very powerful.  I felt alienated at every turn and even in my youth I began to expect being alienated by friends.  That expectation led me to acting out with bitterness at small slights that probably weren't intended as barbs at all.  Looking back I can see how my expectations led me to act in a way that was not a ball of fun for my friends to be with.  My own expectations led me to behave in a way that was unpleasant to be around.  I projected my familial experience onto my social experience until after a long time people had had enough.  No wonder.  That is one of the patterns that I have lived.  One that I can change. 

Another is the fear of and expectation of criticism of every move.  That is the paralysis.  My anti-anxiety drug is beginning to give me enough relief for me to be able to access my reason to overcome those defeating thought patterns.  I expect that as I am able to differentiate more and more subtle patterns the more progress I can make.

Thanks for listening - Gaining Strength

[Hopalong]

By the time I was ten my assessment of myself was one of constant, unconscious criticsm.

(((((((((((((((((((((little GS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

What a fine, bright girl you are.
Thank you! You did a great job on that.
I really like the way you help take care of things, pumpkin.
Hey, GS, come help me with this! How are things going at school, midget?
Yeah, she's my sister (affectionate knuckle rub).
I am the luckiest father in the world. C'mere, you. **
That's my daughter! 
That is exactly what I needed! How did you know?? Thank you sweetie!
C'mere, GS, we need another hand for this game.
First one to bed wins the pillow fight!

[/i]

I projected my familial experience onto my social experience until after a long time people had had enough.  No wonder.  That is one of the patterns that I have lived.

Makes perfect sense. Children, I mean sponges, are very logical that way. It's a smart behavior, when you look at it that way.

One that I can change.

You sure can. I have total faith you will.
(Just don't do it perfectly, okay?)

I think your making a huge mess out of your space and your papers is also an extremely positive thing. I just got it. I don't think you're going to be needing this much longer, GS, but maybe this big messiness and disorganization and refusal to move is a message of life and selfhood and dammit I will NOT be perfect I WILL NOT BE PERFECT and damn you people WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE JUST EXACTLY HOW NOT-PERFECT I CAN BE? LOOKIE HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!

ROARRRRRRRR!

Now that would make sense to me. A whole lot of sense.

I think we do a lot of things symbolically until we claim them. I think in the mess you've maybe been claiming your absolute right not to be perfect. (And making quite a fabulous display of it too.) Does that ring any chimes for you?

So this may seem perverse but I swear it doesn't feel like it...CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MESS, DEAR GS! It may have been a great huge life-affirming message for you all along, and it just kept getting bigger and bigger because it's a very important message from your free, happy, whole inner self and it was just going to keep going and going until you heard it!

I say, Bravo to this brilliant mess! And when you have heard it, truly heard and respected its truth...

then you won't need it any more.

(Other, easier messages in the queue. I know it.)

love,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks my dear friend.  I especially loved the familial comments.  Boy are they alien but I am going to read them more.
They really felt good.  that is exactly what I will internalize.  Thank you so much.  That may be one of the
most powerful, good feelings I've had.  I just love it Hops - thank you.

You know - about the mess - your writing set it straight for me.  I am in part paralyzed waiting for the criticism to come but most of all I am waiting for the crowd to come and help me out.  "Oh GS, you have been through too much.  It has been more than anyone could handle.  Let us help you out here.  We won't judge you or criticize you.  We'll find the right people to get this place straight and get the various things fixed.  You don't need to do all this by yourself.  We love you.  We want things to go well for you and we will help you get your business off the ground.

Hops - I hate being alone.  I want someone to help me clean up this mess, to encourage me, to comfort me, to direct me.

I have come so close to hiring a person but I am so ashamed of the mess.  Now that's a double bind - can't clean up by myself and too ashamed to get help.  This is exactly how I get stuck. 

I am very open for some pointers about this psychological issue.  - GS

[Hopalong]

  That sure feels good. Thanks, GS.

And since you're putting up so wonderfully with my fantasy dialogue...pointers? I got pointers!

At one point in Baltimore I was so desperate about my financial paperwork (well every kind of paperwork you can imagine, having piled up in no order whatsoever for a verrrrrrrry long time) that I decided I would hire an organizer. And damn my shame. So I did! I met a nice Russian woman who did it for a living and she came over and we sat on the floor with a huge box of folders and marking pens and acrylic boxes and labels and she just sorted and sorted and sorted and sorted. It took a full day, and easily could've taken more, and it was an enormous help. Like having a professional logger leap skillfully across a huge logjam, unflapped and unbothered by the pile, and weild his log-pick-thingie (help, Mud!) and prod here and poke there and do this and that and eventually to my amazement the whole thing is flowing clear.

(Next, I hired a cleaning service. They came twice a month after that. Bliss.)

Pointers:
Look in the local weekly for people who advertise about closets or organizing.
Make appointments with 2 or 3 of them to meet at a coffee shop close to your home.

Just be honest. (Most of these folks are kind, nurturing people who love to help create order, and who like helping people. The bigger your mess, the more wonderful they feel when they're done.)
Such as:
Hi, thanks for coming. It may seem a little odd to meet someone about home organizing away from home, but I wanted to talk to you first, to see if you really want to take this on.
It's embarrassing for me, but my house and my papers are in the kind of mess you'd see on a TV show about hoarders. It's not about hoarding for me, but I had an emotional illness for a very long time that made me really incapable of doing any of it. So...hiring an organizer for me is like calling 9-1-1.

I wanted to meet you first to see if you're going to be comfortable working in a chaotic, really crazy-looking space for X days. I don't want it to alarm you and I want to be as calm about it as I can, but it's been a rough thing for me to get as far as hiring some help. Also, it may be that for the first day or two, I'd want to leave you to it on your own...just do the basic common-sense sorting. Everything that looks related in an individual folder. Then once that's done, I'd come work with you to discard everything that can be discarded.

Maybe the best thing, would be for me to give you a key and let you just go in and look around while I sit on the porch. Then you can let me know if you are interested in the job. How does that sound?

(That's what I'd do, GS. You could adapt it to your own situation. And I wouldn't apologize, or spill my entire guts. The FIRST thing is to remember that you are the consumer who would be giving a person who wants the work a chance to earn some money. You are not accepting charity nor being carted away by people in white coats. So, first have the cuppa tea and say your piece and examine whether YOU like THEM. The right vibes? Then you've got help. No click of comprehension or real kindness? Then say thanks very much, and I'd like to pay you for your time today, but I'm going to think about it.)

Hired help is wonderful when you can do it, and I think that idea's brilliant. It's just giving yourself permisson to get help getting unstuck, that's all.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

You must be reading my mind.  I have just the organizer woman in mind.  I called her a year ago to help at my mothers and I
really liked her.  She told me then that she had helped people with ADD (I have that too) and I have really had calling her at
the top of my list all of October.  Your push is just the tip I needed.

After the feed back I got this morning I have accomplished quite a bit today.  Each time the dark feelings (not even emerged into voices) came up I identified them as brain misfirings that didn't belong to me.  I kept going back to your words of encouragement
among other positive thoughts and recent experiences of succeeding.  By 4pm I had accomplished everything and this afternoon christening party is now something I am looking forward to instread of dreading.  What a change.  Thanks for your suggestion.
Hold me accountable.  I am going to let you know when I have contacted the organizer and set up the appointment.

your friend - GS

[Hopalong]

WOW!!

 

Hops

[Hopalong]

Happy Sunday, GS.

I hope these links might help you.
(Don't worry about the terminology, just for inspiration, read what they can do!)
MSNBC ran an excellent documentary, including research on the ADD/OCD chemistry of hoarding, late tonight. "Captured", I think. It was about extreme cases but I know I'm on this behavioral curve. Just a disorganized messy anxiety-ridden human, too, when I face the facts of bills paid late for no reason, letting room/office become heaps of chaos (those are more or less better now)...

Is that beyond coincidence? Why do I think the universe is supporting this healing in us? 

http://www.napo.net/public/

http://dmoz.org/Home/Personal_Organization/Consultants/

http://www.childrenofhoarders.com/forum/index.php

Also, try typing in the search box on Amazon, How to Conquer Clutter. Amazing list of books.

hugs,
Hops