Hi October
A lot of people here are talking and thinking about Karpman dynamics and pattern recognition, about triangulation, and cycles of abuse, and other issues, because of such long posts. A lot of people have applied these concepts to things that have happened to them, or things they have discovered that they do themselves, and been able to see and do and recognize things that they hadn't before.
Not because the posters are some kind of geniuses, but because the ideas being posted are hard to come across, and aren't often discussed in the press and on TV. So when they appear, there's an 'aha'! moment and people can use the concepts immediately.
The fact that these ideas aren't highly visible and aren't often discussed out in the mainstream helps to keep people in the dark about things that contribute significantly to recovery. Such things are very visible and frequently discussed in ACOA groups and other places. People bring them here to share what has helped them, in the hope that it will help others.
There is always the option to leave these posts unread, always the option to refrain from responding. There is a saying in ACOA and in AA: Take what helps you, and leave the rest. To try to deprive others of things that have helped them, substantially and materially, simply because you have no interest in it or don't find the pace of presentation comfortable, is like saying that nobody should have access to college preparatory courses because you personally do not intend to go to college. Your choice is your choice, and you are free to choose, but not to limit others' options.
I'm sorry these things don't help you, but as long as they help others - and they do - I will be continuing to post here, and I hope that others who share similarly will continue to do so as well.
In terms of being able to share pain, when I have shared mine, have I received a supportive response here? Have people here who have tried to hurt me acknowledged my pain, considered their part in it, and made any effort to make amends? Not yet, although I've seen rationalization, attack, and gang-style bullying here aplenty [and I am reasonably certain that some of the latter is being attempted right now].
And given the fact that we are all here because important people in our lives have refused to acknowledge our pain, consider their part in it, and make any effort to make amends, and may even have retaliated against us when we tried to get them to consider it, even enlisting other family members to help in bullying us -- I think it's important for this pattern to be seen.
What we do not hand back, we hand on, and that very thing is happening right here, right now.
Recognizing these things for what they are isn't lecturing or superior, it's a necessary part of learning to see through the smoke and mirrors in order to hold onto health when dysfunctional responses threaten to overwhelm it. Pointing them out when I see and experience them isn't lecturing or superiority either. It's saying: this is what it looks like, learn the signs, learn to recognize this when it happens to you.
In cyberspace, nothing ever happens in isolation.What is said here doesn't vanish into the air, it leaves a trace, it can be examined. There are witnesses to every event. Onlookers can learn and see, even if and when the participants cannot. And sometimes, if the participants come back later, they can see in the cold light of morning what they could not see in the heat of their emotions. Without having to wonder what they really said, and what the other really said, because it's all there in print.
Sharing what you have learned isn't lecturing or superiority, unless it is lecturing and superior to share water with people on a desert crossing. Hinting that you know things - hinting that you can see what others do not, and using that as a means of putting them down - holding onto information and refusing to share it, or sharing it only in jargon and buzzwords to deliberately prevent understanding; that[/b] is lecturing and superior, and nobody is doing that here.
I hope that I will be willing to share whatever I have learned, in clear words and in whatever depth is necessary to do justice to the concepts, whenever it can do some good, as long as I am capable of sharing it.
With regard to the business of trying to get people to acknowledge their part in causing pain: just for the record, I suspect this is a lost cause. It looks like a no-win situation; pointing out the behavior just causes defensiveness and intensifies the attacking impulse, but the behavior will continue unless it's pointed out.
I would long ago have stopped attempting to communicate with certain people here, if we were in realspace. But in realspace, there are conversations, and physical distance, rooms and tables and chairs, doors that can be closed. It's easy to see when someone is being intrusive, or disruptive, or heckling. On a message board, there aren't conversations. It's all-comers, all the time. So people from whom I would long ago have politely but firmly disengaged in realspace keep coming back around, and often even demand acknowledgement [just imagine for two seconds what that would look like in a realspace conversation!]. Confrontation is unavoidable in such situations. It's about the only option that exists for setting a boundary.
I have closed the doors that I can close here, by blocking PMs from the people with whom these problems seem unresolvable. They are free to do likewise with me, and to refrain from reading and replying to my posts on the board.
